A knowing

I am learning to really, truly trust my gut and my instincts .... yesterday I saw my energy healer whom I absolutely love and who has been a life saver for me as I have walked my journey of health challenges this past year. I talked to my doctor at Mayo on Friday. The pathologists reviewed the slides from my last surgery. At this point, the pathologists at Mayo are saying that the cell changes do not officially meet all the criteria for what would be officially cancer ... then came the 'however' .... there is extensive abnormality in my cells and because there is no correlate (a lump or tumor or anything that can be detected with current scans and tests) they are very concerned. My case is also unusual. The pathologists at Mayo are only willing to say that in the slides they have seen from what is really random samples of breast tissue (since my surgeon didn't believe there was a lump to remove) is not officially cancer, but there is concern of cancer in the surrounding tissue. My doctor also started to ask me about my pancreas and I told her that my GI doctor here in the cities is pretty much saying the same thing .... he can't figure out what has caused my pancreas to stop producing lipase and he suspects there are changes going on at a cellular level in my pancreas but there is no way to confirm that except through a biopsy which is way too risky. My doctor recommends I see a pancreas specialist at Mayo. So I have 3 appointments scheduled at Mayo for December 2 to meet with my primary doctor at Mayo, the surgeon (who specializes in early detection of breast cancer) and the head of the pancreas division.

Options that have been thrown out to me are tamoxifen and a double mastectomy. My gut right now does not feel that either are right for me because I sense something going on at a cellular level in my body. I knew there was something going on in my left breast before the doctors confirmed it through surgery and pathology reports. I knew it was my pancreas (with the help of my father appearing in my dream and letting me know it was pancreas) before my GI doctor could narrow it down to my pancreas and through enzymes have finally stopped the weight loss and fatigue.

So what do I do with this "knowing"? It's been so weird to feel both so alive and energetic while at the same time feel like my body is getting weaker ..... like cells are wreaking havoc inside of me ... like there's some kind of a battle going on inside of me. I have noticed the little things in how my body acts and responds that have indicated to me that my body is much slower to heal physical wounds and also that it's been fighting some kind of an infection. Yesterday was a rough day for me physically ... as much as I wanted to go out for a run as it was a gorgeous day here in Minnesota, I decided to listen to my body and just rest.

My dog Ahnung must've known I wasn't feeling well yesterday. She wouldn't leave my side which is unusual for her as she has an independent nature about her. Over lunch today we (Ahnung and I) are interviewing and going through an orientation at Regions Hospital so that we can start volunteering at the Riverside Cancer Clinic and hanging out with cancer patients as they are going through chemo. I am blessed to have my own personal therapy dog and furry angel by my side. I am blessed to have a wonderful support network of friends and family.

I reminded myself last night as I was struggling with pain and fatigue that the sun will rise again ... the fog will lift and the magnificent sun will emerge over the horizon ... and it did! I don't know where my journey is going to take me. I have good days and not so good days, and I am learning to embrace both.

"When your love reaches the core,

earth-heavals and bright irruptions spew in the air.

The universe becomes one spiritual thing, that simple,

love mixing with spirit."

~Rumi