Early morning hikes and why they matter

 It's been a while now - i actually don't remember how many years ago I made a commitment to walk every morning, no matter what the weather. And living here in Minnesota there are many months where temps are quite chilly, to put it mildly ... but my morning hikes aren't just walks; they aren't just about exercise. They return me to center; they ground me; they connect me with the spirit world, the natural world, and my inner world; they essentially reboot me ... and no matter what has transpired the day before or the night prior, I know that the sun sets every 24 hours, and the sun rises .. and when the sun rises I will be there to welcome her as she emerges above the horizon. I offer asema (tobacco) at the water every morning and i offer prayers of gratitude ... ever since my diagnosis of left ventricular non compaction in 2011 I have not taken my life for granted. I am grateful now for a diagnosis that made me face my immortality in an abrupt and jolting manner - and as a result, taught me how to live. Every day is a gift. I offer thanks for the gift of another day before i fall asleep at night ... and i offer thanks for the gift of another day each morning on my hikes. Amazingly, the last visit i had with my cardiologist earlier this year, he said to me, keep doing what you are doing ... I don't want to see you back for another 2 years, at which point, I asked, can we make it 3 years? He smiled and said, 'yes'. I truly believe our bodies (mind, body, heart) and the energy within and around us have the wisdom to heal ourselves. We simply need to activate the wisdom with us, individually and collectively ... and we need to listen .... truly listen ... not in ways we are accustomed to .... there are messages all around us ... we need to expand the view of where messages may arrive to us. When our gut and intuition is trying to speak to us ... we need to listen.

My morning hikes allow me to drop into my body - to notice the sensations in my body; to feel my body and where there is tension, softening, restriction. In addition to dropping into my body, I sense and feel the energy around me. I am in awe every morning with the beautiful patterns of the clouds and I often turn my body in a full 360 to soak in the unique and shifting patterns of the clouds and how the skies can look so different and yet connected. The sky and the clouds are a 3D panoramic and ever evolving canvas. And then I notice the wildflowers and the weeds ... the color, how they sway with the wind, and how they reach towards the sun. In nature I feel the aliveness in me and I acknowledge we are all connected - we are all related. Some mornings I am gifted with the presence of coyote, other mornings ... eagle, owls, turtles, hawks ... and each morning deer and so many birds .. and their songs, and their joy. Every morning my body and my being, that sometimes gets depleted from the worries, stress and busyness of life from the previous day, .... my being is filled up again with joy, awe, aliveness, energy, gratitude.

My morning hikes ... they matter for my heart, my body, my soul, my spirit, my mind. They are as essential to me now as the air I breathe. They remind me of my humanness; they remind me of my connection to all; they remind me of the minuscule role I play in this universe ... 

So yes, I am deeply committed to my early morning hikes and they are a part of my daily practices to care for my whole being so I can, in turn, be of service to the beings, communities and causes that matter to me in this life time.

A question for your reflection and consideration .... are your practices and habits in alignment with what matters to you? 

Dipping my toes into the stream of writing again ...

 

So much has transpired over the years. I stepped away from posting on my blog. Not long after the passing of my beloved spirit dog Ahnung in August, 2013 I found the need to step back from publicly posting, and also simply writing. Now, I continue to receive messages from spirits and from friends, inspiring and inviting me to return to writing. Writing has been such a healing tool for me in my life's journey. I found escape as a child from emotions I was unable to express, and pain of not knowing or being taught how to navigate a world of armored walls around hearts, and a longing of a child to be loved that could not be met ... not because there wasn't love ... because of what i have come to learn is our own trauma and our pain we carry through our lives, unresolved, buried, locked in the hidden crevices of our brain that seep out and find ways to express pain in unfortunately harmful and hurtful ways. I continue in my life's journey of healing and returning home to myself and re-discovering who I am, what matters to me, what and who I care about, and who I want to be in this world. And I commit to practices that align to who I want to be in this world, the role I want to play in social justice and making this world a just and equitable world for all beings, and how I want to be in relationship with others. I had many significant health issues in the past and an elder once told me, Creator gifted you with Ahnung and she came to guide you and to also take the physical disease that had manifested in your body because my work on this earth was not done. The five short years I had with Ahnung (2008 - 2013) opened up portals of healing I could not have walked through without her. Her story didn't end in 2013. I am realizing now her story continues through me, and her story ... our story ... must be shared.

So today, I dip my toes into the stream of writing and sharing again. I write again with the spirit of Ahnung guiding me through the messengers and messages she continues to send my way every day. The story of Ahnung speaking to me through owls and their feathers is one that I will share another time. For now, I hold and carry the energy of Ahnung and the owl as I move forward into the world of writing and sharing again.

Aapiji go miigwech Ahnung for continuing to live in me and through me.

 

Larissa Minicucci ... a bright new star in the night skies

Posted on November 14, 2019 on my facebook page ...  it is with great sadness and a heavy heart I share that our beloved Larissa has since crossed over into the spirit world on Saturday, November 16, 2019 around 3 pm. For more on this amazing human being please check out her caring bridge site: https://www.caringbridge.org/visit/larissaminicucci/journal/view/id/5dd095bcec1003bf448b45d4

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As many of us prepare for the crossing over into the spirit world of our beloved friend, partner, mentor, teacher I want to share with you a photo taken at the Leech Lake SIRVS clinic in Oct. 2018 with Jonathan Elbaz, current president of SIRVS which shows the spirit of Larissa, the spirit of SIRVS, and the amazing fire and spirit of SIRVS (Student Initiative for Reservation Veterinary Services). I have had the honor of working with many SIRVS presidents over the years, and they have all been amazing (Molly Kubeczko-Schmidt, Rachel Marie, Kristen Capen and this year's president elect, Hilary Hooberman).

I picked Larissa up from home so we could ride together to Leech Lake ... we have many road trips and last year after her diagnosis with cancer we had two road trips (Red Lake and Leech Lake). We had long heartfelt conversations. She told me she wasn't afraid of death - she just wasn't ready. She talked for hours about two of her deepest loves - her work with SIRVS, the students, tribal communities .. and then she talked for hours about her husband Lou.

Yesterday at the hospital I promised her that her work with SIRVS and tribal communities will continue. That I know she will be with us in spirit and that I am counting on her letting us know if we flounder or go astray by sending us a strong message ... she smiled and there was a twinkle in her eyes.

Many of us are grieving deeply already. It's like someone stuck a knife in our hearts. And my heart hurts so deeply for an amazing husband who shared with me, in his own words, how he met Larissa 16 years ago. And there was a twinkle in both their eyes.

She has touched the lives of so many, and she wants us to continue this work. I encourage us all to find a way to talk to this overwhelming, all consuming grief ... I share with you one of my favorite poems. Grief has arrived at our door step. I am going to invite Grief in ... Grief brought me a puppy from the Mille Lacs SIRVS clinic (her name is Migizi, and when I held her i could feel Larissa's presence so strongly and was guided to name her Migizi). I will be adopting Migizi. With Ahnung (means 'star' in ojibwe - spirit dog from Red Lake), Ishkode ('fire' in ojibwe - from Leech Lake) and now Migizi ('eagle in ojibwe - from Mille Lacs) I promised Larissa our collaborative work with tribal communities will continue.

Together, we will keep Larissa's spirit alive. To my friends at Leech Lake and Mille Lacs and White Earth, I ask for your support and know I can count on you ... Shirley Nordrum Sharon Nordrum Veronica Bratvold Winnie Walleye Melissa Yuenger Angela Nordman Gary Wayne Branchaud Li Boyd Mary H. Skelly Tawny Warren

Please continue to hold Larissa in your heart as she prepares her transition into the spirit world ....

Talking to Grief (by Denise Levertov)

Ah, grief, I should not treat you
like a homeless dog
who comes to the back door
for a crust, for a meatless bone.
I should trust you.

I should coax you
into the house and give you
your own corner,
a worn mat to lie on,
your own water dish.

You think I don't know you've been living
under my porch.
You long for your real place to be readied
before winter comes. You need
your name,
your collar and tag. You need
the right to warn off intruders,
to consider
my house your own
and me your person
and yourself
my own dog.

Celebrating 31 years of sobriety, of living!

Yesterday, October 1, 2019 I celebrated 31 years of sobriety. I owe my life to a puppy. A puppy I named Splat (i was playing competitive racquetball at the time, and 'splat' was my favorite shot). I had fallen 'off the wagon'. I was in so much emotional pain and wanted to numb myself from the pain so I started drinking after one previous attempt to get sober. I drank and I drank and I drank. My Papa must have known that the only way to get through to his baby girl was to bring her a puppy, so he led me to this little girl, the runt of the litter. I remember meeting this woman in Chesterfield, Missouri at my mom's house. She was selling her puppies for $100. There were six cocker spaniel puppies. All were running around and rolling over each other, chasing each other, except for this one black cocker spaniel puppy ... she found her way to me and climbed onto my legs as I was seated cross legged on the grass, and curled up and went to sleep. I looked at the woman and said, 'this one. I want this one.' Splat was my first dog. After i had written the check and sent the woman off I thought to myself, what the heck have I done?! I have never had a puppy! I don't know what to do. This little tiny being needs me. I felt this huge responsibility to care for this being. I realized I had to get myself together ... get my life back together. So on October 1, 1988, I walked back in to an AA meeting after 2 years off the wagon. I chose life. I chose Splat. I chose a new path. And something inside me knew that this time around it would be different because i had an angel my Papa sent to me, a furry 4-legged precious being ... and my sweet little princess was my heart. She saved my life. Thanks to her, and my Papa, I am alive today and I am celebrating 31 years of sobriety and life.

I lost my beloved Splat very suddenly (and what I now believe to have been a hate crime) on July 20, 2000, shortly after I moved to Minnesota. I share more about this on a blog post I wrote in 2010 (her 10 year anniversary) ... I also share more about how she (and Ahnung), through my dreams, opened the door for me to begin my healing around the sexual abuse ... from my blog: ".... Interestingly, Splat (whom I named after a racquetball shot as I playing a lot of racquetball at the time) appeared in my dreams a couple summers ago .. in fact, it was a nightmare, but it was her way to tell me I was getting ready to begin a journey of some major healing ... and she was right. For a writing class i'm taking at The Loft I chose to write about the healing and transformation I have gone through in dealing with past sexual abuse. My piece opens with the dream I had where Splat appears in July, 2008. The piece ends with a dream I recently had (July, 2010) where my dog Ahnung appears and she takes my flying!! It was my dog Splat, who's been dead for 10 years, who opened up a door I've sealed shut for decades - the secret of abuse - and it's now my dog Ahnung who is helping me move through it .... I think God knows that the angels I need come in the form of furry four-legged beings :)" ...

Thank you Splat and Ahnung for working together over the decades to help me heal. I know you are both still with me, along with Shen, Shadow, Missy and Mister guiding me along in my life's journey. Together, we celebrate 31 years of sobriety!! 

RIP sweet Missy Bear RIP

We set Missy's spirit free yesterday morning. Grief has come again. She is here to stay. My heart hurts so deeply. I miss you Missy Bear. I miss you. Travel safe ... I find comfort in knowing you are once again with your siblings Ahnung and Mister. Till we meet again, on the other side sweet girl.

My Missy Bear ,,,,

Missy - 2008

Missy Mister Ahnung 2011

Missy and Mister 2017

My beloved Missy (14.5 years old) is approaching the end. Her final walk. She is being watched over and guided by her siblings Ahnung and Mister who are ready to greet her. I am cherishing every moment I have with her. Thank you Missy (Ahnung and Mister) for letting me know it is time to prepare ... my heart hurts ... I find comfort in knowing Ahnung and Mister will be there to greet you when the time comes.

Happy Birthday Papa!

Today is my Papa's birthday. September 14th is a special day of the year for me. My Papa crossed over to the spirit world when I was 4 years old (Dec. 20, 1968). For so long it was a pain so deep, a void so deep I found every possible way to numb the pain ... to fill the hole and emptiness ... addictive behavior and avoidance became my survival strategies. Now, 50 years later, a life time of experiences that have been both incredibly painful and also incredibly beautiful and transformative, I am now at a very different place. I believe God/Creator called my Papa because it was his time. I believe he was needed elsewhere in the universe. It's not my place to question. There are many things in this life time I will not be able to make sense of ...

50 years ago my Papa's spirit left his body. What I imagine now is his spirit leaving in this most amazing and beautiful light .... this expansive veil of light that reaches out beyond the north star and galaxies that defy what my brain can even comprehend ... and his spirit sprinkles star dust all around me, and in me. I don't feel his presence at first. All I feel is emptiness. Yet he stays with me, watches over me, protects me ... I flail and I fumble. And at the age of 20 when I attempt to take my own life, he plucks me out of the water ...when by all logical and practical explanation, I should have died ... miraculously, someone, some being, some higher power pulled me out of the water after I had lost consciousness. I know it was my Papa. I imagine him saying to me, "it's not your time yet baby".

For many years, I called that moment 'my bottom'. It was an uphill climb through terrain that challenged me on so many levels. It was a journey that required facing my darkest shadows and wounds and scars I desperately wanted to forget and bury at the bottom of the ocean floor. This year, in just a couple weeks, I celebrate 30 years of sobriety ... 30 years since my last drink; 30 years since I made the choice to numb my pain with alcohol. Now I look back at that moment, as the moment of awakening as a caterpillar .... of shedding skin, of becoming a chrysalis, of resting and allowing the time needed for the various parts of myself to heal and to transform, and then when I was finally ready, to emerge and break through the protective case of the cocoon ... a butterfly. And this healing journey has been one of exploring different landscapes, both inner and outer; of stumbling, making mistakes, honoring the wounds and scars that have made me who I am today, celebrating reaching various summits of mountains I never imagined I could reach ... of listening to my Papa; of learning to still my mind and be with myself through meditation and a deeper connection to the spirit world. He was gracious and sent me a 4-legged beautiful being, my first dog, Splat, who is the reason I am now able to say, on October 1, 2018 I will be celebrating 30 years of sobriety. She saved my life. And then my Papa continued to send me more beautiful 4 legged beings ... Shadow, Shen, Mister, Missy, Legacy, Ahnung, Ishkode .... all have been, and continue to be, essential in my healing.

Miigwech Papa. Miigwech for watching over me. I celebrate You today. I celebrate your birthday. I celebrate and feel and embrace the veil of star dust you sprinkled over me when I was 4 years old.