Grand Canyon ... and California Condors

A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to visit the Grand Canyon with my partner, my sister and my niece. It was my first time to visit the Grand Canyon. I have seen photos. It is true .. photos aren't able to do justice to the magnificence and grandeur of standing on the rim of the Canyon, or as we hiked down the canyon.

I had the opportunity to also watch the sun rise, and the sun set ... breathtaking. And as we waited for the sun to set we had the opportunity to see a few california condors. Wow!!! These raptors are HUGE!! We were told their wings could stretch almost 10 feet!

Watching the california condors and turkey vultures made time fly as we waited for the sun to set, along with many other Grand Canyon visitors. I haven't had a chance to sit down and really reflect on the magnificence of our vacation. I hope to do that in the not too distant future.

Soaring

Leap.

Let go.

Trust.

Reach.

Dare

Do.

Reaching. Stretching.

Somehow, some way, along my life's journey i began telling myself a narrative that isn't true ... that i'm not creative or artistic .. and for many years, I also told myself I can't write. Sure, I played the piano. I rationalized that it was classical piano ... "anyone can read notes", yet I continued to pursue playing the piano, and even got a presidential scholarship in college to study under concert pianist Ruth Slenczynska. My gut knew it wasn't just about reading notes and playing notes ... then again, isn't anything in life so much more than what it appears to be on the surface? I would listen to jazz musicians and others who could just sit down at a piano without notes, improvising, creating music ... I would wish I could do the same. I honestly don't remember if I drew as a kid .... as an adult I could only draw stick people :). In the past week I have made a commitment .. a new stretch/reach goal for myself ... to challenge myself in creative ways .. to activate brain cells on the other side of my brain that have probably been dormant :). I have signed up for a Beginner's Observational Drawing class. It begins in a week and a half and I am super excited! The other day, I attempted to draw my pup Ishka.

It was an attempt of using 'grids' and drawing from a photo of Ishka on the dining room table. I thought i would post this photo and have an online documentation of my journey in developing my drawing skills :).

I am attempting to change the narrative that has been occurring in my head for longer than I can remember ... that I am not creative. I also used to tell myself I couldn't write. Fortunately, I have freed myself of that inaccurate narrative. I do believe I can write now ... in fact, writing is what has been a life jacket for me in my own personal healing journey.

So I am excited for this new creative journey ... of learning to draw; of learning to see the world in a whole new way ... to notice shades, tones, colors, light ... to explore new perspectives.

I may periodically post drawings as I embark on this journey. It will be a fun way for me to look back on this journey years from now :).

Pausing

Pausing

Why pause?

To breathe.

To break patterns.

To create space for what is to be.

To let go of attachments, expectations.

To Be in the moment. Just as it is.

To honor the beauty and the pain of what exists in the moment.

To embrace and accept, without judgment.

Why pause?

To allow myself time to return to Center.

To allow myself time to see and notice the light that burns inside of me ...

inside all of us.

To walk the Earth.

To look up to the Sky.

To re-ignite the Fire inside of me.

Spirit. Fire. Joy.

Legacy ... Play ... pure, utter joy.

I believe Ahnung brought baby Legacy into our lives. Legacy also brought the puppy and playfulness out of Ahnung. Maybe Ahnung wanted me to have a reminder (after she had crossed over into the spirit world) to not take life too seriously. To laugh. Play. Live in the moment.

Legacy and Ahnung were bonded in a very deep and unique way. I continue to feel Ahnung's spirit living on through Legacy.

So one of reach/stretch goals for this coming week is to notice each day, in whatever way, feels right, 3 things:

1. Ahnung - notice how the spirit of Ahnung is around me; moves through me. Is there any object, a song, a person, a spirit, an animal, an idea, a Way that touches me in the Ahnung Way. Just notice it. Then let it go.

2. Ishkode (means 'fire' in ojibwe) - notice the fire burning inside of me; notice when it ignites ... notice when I feel alive. Stay with it. If only for a moment. Acknowledge the fire; thank the fire; create space for the fire inside of me to ignite, to fizzle, or whatever course the fire needs to take.

3. Legacy - create time and space every day to feel joy; to play; to be a kid again. Live in the moment.

Ishkode (aka Ishka) ... my fire!

Ishka ... in her hyena, let's play mode with Legacy!

Slowing down. Stories. Spaces.

I had a busy morning yesterday with work calls. I was tired from lack of sleep and by mid day I wanted to lay down for a short nap. Yet something inside of me kept saying, just get outside Marilou. Walk. Take your nature walk. Bring your camera ... stroll. pause. be ... don't worry about steps, miles, exercise. I allowed my mind to daydream. The name and image of Mrs. Jensen popped up in my head. She was one of my favorite teachers in elementary school in Thailand. I fell in love with C.S. Lewis' The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe when she would read that story to our class every afternoon. I remembered an exercise she also has us do. She would have all these different photos on 8.5 by 11 laminated sheets .. she would spread them out on a table ... pick a photo that calls to you. Write a story.

As i strolled in the woods i intentionally slowed down and listened. I would often close my eyes and just listen to the songs of the birds, the cardinals, the pecking on tree branches by woodpeckers. I heard an owl. I was looking out into the water and saw the head of a turtle. I felt like he was looking at me, looking at him. He slowly swam towards a branch floating and crawled up ... stopped. And there he stayed. There i stayed too as I soaked in the peaceful, slow, quiet, healing energy of the turtle; I noticed his reflection in the water and asked him if it was okay for me to take a photo. I bring my camera with me to capture moments in nature. I am a visitor and a guest in this world, and in the woods I am in the land and home and space of wildlife and trees and rocks ... I ask permission. Yeah, sounds crazy, but I do. I am grateful yesterday for the gift of the turtle, the does, the downy woodpecker, the trees, the geese, the ducks, the robins, the water ... I am grateful to my elementary school teacher Mrs. Jensen who planted a seed so very early in my life to explore the ever changing story and landscape in every image and to allow my mind to wander and to write stories ....

Soul food

This past weekend I took a nature walk ... again, not counting steps, worrying about how far I was going, number of steps or miles ... just noticing, observing, listening. Amazing how nature can be such nourishing soul food. And I found myself watching this one goose .... the word JOY kept coming to mind.

I find myself trying to listen more deeply to what calls to my spirit, my soul ... what makes me feel alive? what nourishes my mind, my body, my spirit, my heart ... what challenges me?

One of my favorites poems is Mary Oliver's The Summer Day ...

The Summer Day

Who made the world?

Who made the swan, and the black bear?

Who made the grasshopper?

This grasshopper, I mean-

the one who has flung herself out of the grass,

the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,

who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-

who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.

Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.

Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.

I don't know exactly what a prayer is.

I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down

into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,

how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,

which is what I have been doing all day.

Tell me, what else should I have done?

Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?

Tell me, what is it you plan to do

with your one wild and precious life?

—Mary Oliver

The last lines of her poem, Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? is a question I reflect on quite frequently.

It seems the more i open my mind and my heart .. the more I can slow down, pause, be still ... the more I am able to notice I am both nothing and everything ... the more I can experience moments of letting go and accepting life, and myself, exactly where I am at .....

We accept the graceful falling

Of mountain cherry blossoms,

But it is much harder for us

To all away from our own

Attachment to the world

Zen.