There is no time table for one's journey through grief, loss, pain, trauma. Today is the 3rd anniversary of the passing of my soul spirit, my soul dog, my heart, my Being ... my Ahnung. This year, for whatever reason, has felt different. I became friends with Grief, with Anticipatory Grief as together with Ahnung I prepared for the day (Aug. 25, 2013) when I would have to hold her in my arms and her spirit was set free. It didn't matter though ... I didn't feel like I was prepared but I knew I had to keep my promise to Ahnung. That I would stay with her, that I would walk with her, I would love her with every fiber of my being, and I would listen .... listen ... really listen ... and when the time came, I would let her go. This year, as her anniversary approached, I found myself wanting to just disappear .. to isolate ... to lose myself in 'something'. So I walked and I walked and I walked. 'Walk the Earth, Marilou'. And I became frustrated at times because my left knee which I had injured on March 26th despite physical therapy was not healing and I couldn't run. For me, running was a spiritual practice for me. All the while I keep telling myself to be okay with whatever. Then a couple weeks ago, while walking with Ishka, these words appear ... 'it's at a cellular level' and then the image of my acupuncturist appears. I hadn't seen my acupuncturist in many years, yet she was the only healer I had that really saw me as a whole person. So I reconnected with her. And I have since discovered there is so much more under the surface which I need to heal. And I came face to face with an emotion I have tried to bury. I used to write to Grief ... i invited her into my home; i became friends with her. But lurking in her shadow was Anger. And I shut the door on Anger and kept her at arm's length. Truth is, I have never been good at Anger. I have been afraid of Anger. I used to also be terrified of Grief. That I would be swallowed by Grief ... by Anger.
So I have been trying to allow myself to feel this 'bad' emotion ... this 'scary' emotion. Funny though ... when I write to Ahnung and I tell her how much I miss her and I begin to venture down the path of telling her how angry I am, I find myself asking for her forgiveness and apologizing for even having feelings of anger. I'm afraid to tell her I am angry not just at the circumstances, but I am angry at her for cracking my heart wide open and then leaving me. There is so much more I want to say but I don't know how to say them to her, or maybe to even allow myself to say them.
This morning as I was journaling and looking out my writing/meditation room I could hear and feel Ahnung's spirit, giving me permission ... giving me permission to feel anything and everything I need to feel; to not judge my emotions and say they are 'good' or 'bad'; they just are. And then as if to assure me she was with me, a red cardinal swooped down and landed on the post on my wooden fence. He didn't just 'fly by'; he landed on a post then flew to the next, and then finally on a post where the sun was partially shining down on him. He picked the post at the intersection of sunlight and shadow and remained there for a few minutes.
And in that moment, I could hear Ahnung telling me we need both the sun and the moon; light and darkness; joy and grief/anger. It's okay for me to tell her I am angry.
Ahnung, I am angry. I will try to allow myself to feel those emotions, but right now, on the 3rd anniversary of your passing, I just want you to know that my heart aches for you and I miss you and I would do anything in the world to have just one more walk with you.
"Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with their heart and soul, there is no separation."
~ Rumi
