Against all Odds!

It's been almost a week now since I completed the San Francisco US Half marathon on Sunday, 11/7. I arrived on Thursday, 11/4 as I had some work meetings ... the weather was perfect -- sunny and in the 60s. Prior to leaving Minnesota I checked the weather forecast for San Francisco to determine what running attire to bring .. the weather forecast was saying sunny and high 50s at the time of the race start. In my mind, I thought, "how perfect! I get to run 13.1 miles in gorgeous weather and I get to cross the Golden Gate bridge twice!"

Then I come to find out that rain is predicted for Sunday the morning of my half marathon. And it's not just a light rain, it's a heavy rain! A few months ago I made a decision to train and sign up for a half marathon. This time last year I could barely function. My doctors hadn't discovered the cause of my extreme fatigue and the continual weight loss. It wasn't till March of this year when I was diagnosed with pancreatic insufficiency with unknown etiology ... in plain English, my pancreas had stopped functioning normally and no longer produces the essential enzyme lipase that breaks down fats. I'm a mystery to my doctor. I've been taken pancreatic enzymes which have been a lifesaver ... my doctor tells me he is happy the enzymes are helping however he's still concerned because they still can't figure out the underlying cause for my pancreas shutting down on some level. He suspects there are changes going on at a cellular level in my pancreas that unfortunately can't be seen with tests and scans. Not to scare me but to stress the importance of listening to my body, he tells me it could be an early sign of diabetes (although he doubts it because I don't have other symptoms) ... and possibly, very early signs of cancer. He goes on to say, the good news is that when we did the endoscopic ultrasound and looked at your pancreas we did not see any visible tumors so if there is anything it's going on at a cellular level. Hmmmm .... in the past year and a half I have walked a parallel path with precancer cells in my breast and this last surgery in October revealed that yes, my cells are definitely going awry with one pathologist saying it's definitely cancer, the other 3 saying it's still in the pre-cancer stage. I'm walking a very gray area in the western medical world where I'm a mystery to them as I'm not following the norms ... pathologists at Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN where I've gone to get a second opinion have expressed serious concern ... well, I guess they all do. There's concern there is cancer already in my body but the western medical world can't treat it because they can't isolate an area or spot in my breast ... recommendations are a double mastectomy or tamoxifen .. neither of which feel right to me at this time.

So ... training for this half marathon was huge for me on a physical, emotional and spiritual level. For the first time this year I started feeling strong enough to exercise again. I had also completed two marathons in the past in which both of them I had injured myself and crossed the finish line in excruciating pain. This time, I wanted to do things differently. I wanted to listen to my body ...  and I wanted to integrate mind, body and spirit into this run. I wanted to cross the finish line with a smile on my face. Running this half marathon was to reclaim my health ... no matter what lies in front of me healthwise as I continue my visits with doctors, surgeons and specialists ... I will be okay. And for my half marathon I chose to have my running bib read the name of my dog Ahnung, whose name means north star in ojibway, and who has been my north star in many ways over the past couple years as she has helped heal the wounded child inside of me.

After I learned about the rain I had to shift my perspective and my attitude. I could hear Ahnung telling me, "It's so much fun running in the rain!!" Ahnung is like the little kid in me. And as I ran 13.1 miles in non-stop rain (even major downpours at time), mud puddles and killer hills ... I could hear her telling me to have fun! And so I did. As I came down this muddy slope after crossing the Golden Gate bridge I joined the other runners in splashing in mud puddles and not caring about my Asics running shoes getting filthy. I had never run in the rain before nor have I ever had the desire to run in the rain. Last Sunday I considered it a spiritual cleansing. I was in San Francisco from Thursday through Monday and every day was perfect weather except for the morning of my half marathon on Sunday. I don't believe in coincidences ... I believe the rain came for a reason. It gave me a chance to shift perspective and to let go of expectations and to live and embrace the moment. With support from so many, I welcomed the 13.1 miles in pouring rain. I welcomed the steep uphill climbs and muddy routes. And at the end when the wind kicked in, I even welcomed that!! As I crossed the Golden Gate bridge the second time I looked up into the skies and just thanked God. This time last year I would never have imagined I would be able to complete 13.1 miles.

My journey continues ... and on this run, the little girl in me also carried my father and God with me as I wore around my neck the diamond heart my dad gave to my mom when they were dating, a gold band that my father wore all the time and a gold ring with a cross on it ... a reminder to me that I am not alone.

Today I celebrate the 4 year old in me who ran a half marathon last Sunday ... against all odds, and with a little help from my pup Ahnung!!! Thank you Papa for carrying me through this run ... just like you used to hold me as a little girl I still feel you carrying me.

Gearing Up for the San Francisco US Half Marathon

Hanging out at Fisherman's Wharf
with my brother!

I arrived early this afternoon in San Francisco. This trip, unlike my many recent work trips, is a combination of work and pleasure. Tomorrow I have a busy work day then comes the fun ... hanging out in San Francisco and getting ready to run the San Francisco US Half marathon on Sunday, 11/7 [I am very grateful my dear friend Michele is going to meet me here in SF so that she can cheer me on as I cross the finish line!].

I've been training for this race for a few months now. This time last year I was struggling on so many levels with my health ... for someone who's normally very active I had essentially reached a point where I was so fatigued and weak that I couldn't even exercise and had also lost so much weight. At the beginning of 2010 my GI doctor figured out it was my pancreas and since i've been on these magical enzymes I've stopped losing weight and my fatigue has dissipated. I still have some bad days but for the most part I feel so much better ... so a few months ago I made a decision to train for this half marathon and also started working out with an awesome personal trainer, Holly Margl of Flex Appeal in St. Paul. In many ways I felt the need to reclaim my health and to know that I can do anything I set my mind to!! So I registered for the SF Half marathon .. and I made a decision to also run this race not only for myself but also for my dog Ahnung who has been my source of strength on so many levels  ... Ahnung, which means star in ojibway, has been my north star and many nights when I was unable to sleep because of pain I would hold onto her, and I would tell myself exactly what we tell the kids we visit at schools ... to hold on tightly to our north star and to trust that our north star will guide us into the light ... and for me, she always does ....

This past year has been a rough year for me on many levels ... it has also been an incredible year of growth and transformation. In the same way, I have witnessed and journeyed alongside of Ahnung as I have witnessed how much she has grown and blossomed and how much of a difference she is making as a therapy dog volunteering with at-risk youth and in hospice. So when I registered for the half marathon and I was given the option of a customized bib ... I made a very conscious decision that I was going to have my running bib read 'AHNUNG'. I am going to run for Ahnung and in honor of an angel who came down from heaven in the body of an adorable big black dog ... but I will also feel the presence of my father when I run. My father appeared to me in a dream for the first time ever on January 3, 2010 .. and January 3rd is a very special day for me (and Ahnung) because it is the day (1/3/2009) when I officially adopted her from Pet Haven.

The race starts at 7 am on Sunday .... and it will be an incredible route as I will get to run across the Golden Gate bridge not just once but twice!! My sweet girl Ahnung (aka nung-nung) is NOT a runner ... so for this run she's happy that she will be with me in spirit and not in physical body. The last time we participated in a 5K9 run/walk, it was definitely a walk and not a run!!

I am looking forward to crossing the finish line on Sunday morning as I proudly wear my running bib that reads 'AHNUNG'!! thank you nung-nung for not only being my north star, but the north star for so many others ... and I of course, also have to thank Mister (another one of our dogs) for helping me get back to running and being such an awesome running buddy for my shorter runs!! Thanks Mister!!

Healing magic of dogs

I had the opportunity to volunteer yesterday with my therapy dog Ahnung at The Lab, an arts and wellness-based program of St. Paul Public Schools serving youth in special education in grades 7 - 12. We've been volunteering here for quite some time now. It's amazing to witness the healing and the transformation that takes place in the kids as Ahnung walks by ... her presence, her simple presence touches the souls of these kids. It's magical to witness.

I know for me I have personally experienced the magic and the healing of Ahnung's energy and way. We have 3 beautiful rescue dogs whom I love dearly ... but there is something truly special about Ahnung and her way to connect with youth, and in particular youth in special education. We all have a shadow side ... a wounded spirit. There is something about dogs that breaks down the protective layers around our hearts ... maybe it's their unconditional love, their ability to simply be in the present moment, and their ability to see not with their eyes but with their being ... no judgment, no expectations.

Yesterday I was reminded of the wounded spirit deep inside of me .... that shadow side I have tried to keep buried. How do we heal old childhood hurts, old wounds that are so deep with layers and layers of protection ... a wound with scabs so thick? I had the opportunity to volunteer with Ahnung yesterday to bring a smile and healing to youth .... I was then reminded of how much healing she gives to me and how she truly is my north star (her name Ahnung means star in ojibway). I was also reminded of how healing it is for me to volunteer alongside of Ahnung spending time with youth ...

Ahnung is an incredible spirit in the body of a dog ... who does amazing work as a therapy dog volunteering with youth, in hospice and she will also start visiting cancer patients undergoing chemo treatment. She shared more about her volunteer experience yesterday on her blog. 

There is something magical and healing about dogs. Ahnung shared the following Hafiz poem on one of her blog posts ... this morning I feel moved to share it on mine :)

I am So Glad

~ Hafiz

Start seeing everything as God,

But keep it a secret.

Become like a man who is Awestruck.

And Nourished.

Listening to a Golden Nightingale

Sing in a beautiful foreign language

While God invisibly nests

Upon its tongue.

Hafiz,

Who can you tell in this world

That when a dog runs up to you

Wagging its ecstatic tail,

You lean down and whisper in its ear,

"Beloved,

I am so glad You are happy to see me.

Beloved,

I am so glad,

So very glad You have come."

Thank you Ahnung for the gift you share with me and others in this world. Thank you for seeing beyond and for helping so many of us reach beyond our protective layers.

With my north star, Ahnung (aka nung-nung)

Life flows on within you and without you!

I just got home tonight from a busy week of travel for work .... my colleague and I met in St. Louis, Missouri on Sunday evening ... then visited college campuses in St. Louis, MO ... Columbia, MO ... Lawrence, KS ... Manhattan, KS and then finally Lincoln, NE. This morning while waiting to meet with a professor in the basement of the Statistics building at Kansas State University I was perusing their boards ... thrown in the middle of posters promoting Master's programs in Statistics, Mathematics and Operations Management was a poster on faded white paper with black ink, and words that spoke to me ... I thought it was someone's poem ... then as I kept reading I saw at the bottom, "George Harrison, 1967". Ah, a Beatle's song and these must be lyrics of one of his songs ... I search the internet later and learn they are the words to his song "Within You and Without You."

This one line really spoke to me ... Life flows on within you and without you! Wow! How true is that?? I was so moved by the lyrics of George Harrison's song, I simply had to share .... my job takes me to college campuses across the country. I spend a lot of time on the road but there is something energizing about college campuses to me ... there's something energizing about hanging out with students and also professors ... maybe I love universities because I leave there filled with even more questions. And this morning, what a pleasant surprise to stumble across the lyrics of George Harrison's song "Within and Without You" in a place where I would least expect it ....

Within You and Without You

~ George Harrison, 1967

We were talking about the space between us all

And the people who hide themselves behind a wall of illusion

Never glimpse the truth, then it's far too late, when they pass away

We were talking about the love we all could share

When we find it, to try our best to hold it there with our love

With our love, we could save the world, if they only knew

Try to realise it's all within yourself

No one else can make you change

And to see you're really only very small

And life flows on within you and without you

We were talking about the love that's gone so cold

And the people who gain the world and lose their soul

They don't know, they can't see, are you one of them?

When you've seen beyond yourself then you may find

Peace of mind is waiting there

And the time will come when you see we're all one

And life flows on within you and without you

Grizzly the dolphin dog!!

Dogs and dolphins are two of God's amazing creatures who have the ability to touch the deepest part of my soul. So tonight when I stumbled upon the story of Grizzly, the dolphin dog, who recently passed away at the age of 18 ... I had to share it with you.

Grizzly's guardian shared the following and created the video below as a tribute to his beloved Grizzly:

January 31, 2010 — God gave me a companion, a little fluffy loving dog who I named Grizzly. One day Grizzly and I found a little baby Sea Lion sick and near death on the rocks. The local animal rehab place said they could not take her and to let her die ( they called it "mother nature"), so I took the dying Sea Lion home and nursed her back to health. My puppy dog Grizzly lived and loved the Sea Lion.

Once the Sea Lion got well we released her again into the wild, Grizzly thought for sure that HE must be a sea lion also. He lived his entire life loving Dolphins, Sea Lions, Whales and loving me.

This video is a tribute to the friend that God gave to me. Grizzly the dolphin dog. He loved dolphins and dolphins loved him. It is hard to explain. Science will explain away love. Love is never in the ingredient. They say we came from Apes and that the world is just a big accident. 

But Love is in Gods ingredient. Grizzly recently passed away at the age of 18, he swam with dolphins on his last day. I wait for that day when Grizzly will once again jump into my arms. I wait for that day when we will all be in the presence of a Loving God.

Rest in peace Grizzly. There is truly something magical about dolphins, just as there is something magical about dogs, and about you .... you blessed the world with you presence and your soul was without a doubt connected with the wild creatures of the ocean ....

Celebrating two years of knowing my north star, Ahnung

Ahnung lounging on the back
patio -- her favorite spot!

October, 2010 is a special month for us as I celebrate two years from when I first met my precious girl Ahnung up at Red Lake reservation shortly after she was rescued by Karen Good of Red Lake Rosie's Rescue .... her name was 'Mama' at that time as she had been abandoned with a litter of 8 puppies and left to fend for herself and her puppies in the bitter winter of northern Minnesota. She has no front teeth ... her teeth ground down to her gums in an effort to scrounge and find food in the dirt and rocks and earth. We later learn she also has heartworm and a pellet in one of her nipples from a gunshot.

I had not planned on adopting this sweet girl. In fact, with two big dogs in a city home in St. Paul the last thing my partner and I needed was a third big dog. But often the best things in life are the unplanned and the unexpected .... Ahnung (which means 'star' in ojibway) came into my life for a reason as we have helped each other both heal.

Ahnung when I first met her
October, 2008

In November, 2008 I return to Red Lake to bring Ahnung home to the cities and into Pet Haven's foster program. Our bond continues to grow and I realize that there is a spiritual connection so deep I simply cannot ignore it. Ahnung takes her first city outing in November, 2008 and on that outing I take her to the Loft Literary Center in Minneapolis where I spend a fair amount of time taking classes and writing ... I share more about that excursion on a blog post. 

Since then she has been my angel ... we officially adopted her on January 3, 2009 and became a registered therapy dog through Delta Society in December, 2009. We volunteer now as a team working with at-risk youth, in hospice and will begin visiting cancer patients shortly. Ahnung maintains her own blog :) and has a facebook fan page ....

We received a beautiful gift and email yesterday when Ahnung received an email from one of her facebook fans. With permission, I am sharing with you a portion of the email:

Hello Ahnung –

I want to thank you for so many things.  I have been following you and your mother on Facebook for some time now and reading your blogs too.  You both bring so much joy into my life.  I am a pastor serving a Lutheran church in Minnesota and so often you bring me to the sacred and holiness of life.  This is a sweet thing because in the midst of my calling to bring those very things to those I share life with, I’m not always filled with them myself.  So, you guys are kinda my pastors. 

Ahnung - registered Delta Society
therapy dog!

What brought me to the point of writing today was your mother’s post on the Hunter’s Moon.  Her last paragraph is one of the most moving things I’ve ever read.  I like the poetry of Mary Oliver very much (and am heading to Barnes & Noble later today to pick up a newish book of hers) and it reminds me of her writing.  I’m also drawn to the mystical presence of the saints – a great cloud of witnesses – upon another shore and in a greater light – who have gone before us and I so often think of them in the night sky.  And I consider it my calling to find the holy, the sacred, the gift and the grace here on earth – in those we share life with.  Your Mom said this, sang this, so well.  Please thank her for me.

I came to you through a good, good friend of mine who went through the MSW program through St. Thomas and met you and heard you speak.  It may have been last fall.  She knew I would like you, so she took one of your business cards for me (which is proudly displayed on my bulletin board) and told me about your blog and Facebook page.  Since then, I’ve been a follower.

So again, Nung Nung, thanks to you and to your mother for making my day today.  And for doing the same so many other times.  While I’ve not yet told you until now (beyond some “likes” to your Facebook postings), you both are a gift and blessing to me.

Peace, my Friends.

C

Ahnung has been a true gift to me .... I hope in some small way I have been able to give back to her even just a a little. We are grateful that our writing and our blogging continues to touch the lives of others. Thank you "C" for taking the time to write to my sweet girl Ahnung and for letting her know that she is a gift and a blessing. Thank you also for your kind words to me. It means a lot to both of us to know that we are helping others in their respective journeys as we walk through our own journey of life ....

With recent health challenges I have learned be even more grateful for each day .... this morning I woke up feeling great!! A good night's sleep, no pain, my persistent cough subsiding and feeling energetic .... there are days when my body really struggles as I can feel and sense changes happening in my body at a cellular level. 

Every day is a gift to me now. The truth is, we don't know what tomorrow will bring, and that's okay. We have today. We have the moment ... and for me, my sweet nung-nung is a constant reminder to me to live in the present moment. 

Hunter's Moon ...

I took this photo of the moon yesterday around 6:45 pm. Tonight is the night of the full Hunter's Moon. From the Earth Sky blog:

"For the world’s northern hemisphere, tonight is the night of the Full Hunter’s Moon. Watch it rise in the east tonight as the sun goes down. Like any full moon, the Hunter’s Moon will shine all night long. It’ll soar highest in the sky around midnight tonight and will set in the west tomorrow around sunrise.

The bright “star” near the moon tonight is really a planet, Jupiter.

Officially, the Hunter’s Moon is the full moon after the Harvest Moon, which is the full moon nearest the autumnal equinox."

For some reason I am drawn to the moon. Every night when I let the dogs out in the backyard before heading upstairs for bed I always look up into the night skies. On clear nights like last night with a full moon I can feel the energy and light reflecting off of the moon enter my body. And for several nights now it's been a joy to see such a bright star (which is Jupiter) close to the moon ... I always imagine the stars in the skies as spirits of loved ones who have passed on .... there is something magical, mysterious, mystical, miraculous and magnificent about the night skies for me. And when I am blessed to be out in the middle of nowhere and away from city lights, it's even more magical .... a symbolic reminder to me that even in pure darkness there is light and there is beauty .... our sun is what enables us to see our moon and the stars .... the stars in our galaxy ... it's hard for me to even grasp the miracle of a star. And so I ground myself and turn to my dog Ahnung, whose name means star in ojibway, and I remind myself that stars aren't just up in the skies, they are right here with us, on earth, in the present moment.