Letting Go

Photo from Flickr

This is the longest i've gone without writing on my blog. So much has been going on, physically and emotionally. For the first time I simply felt the need to recoil, to be with myself and my feelings and to not share so much. But this morning I feel the desire to emerge. I have begun tapering off of my heart meds as I prepare for my heart procedure on Tuesday. The symptoms have been bad but they are getting worse now. I have been having trouble sleeping; my heart wakes me up in the middle of the night every hour or two; my body goes through spurts of feeling physically desperate for rest and relief. The last time I had a good night's sleep was March 14th.  I have been waiting for this procedure for 6 weeks and the time is finally arriving. I am normally not phased by surgery or any medical procedure. This time around I realize I am scared and I have anxiety ... maybe it's because I am exhausted physically, maybe it's because this procedure entails going into my heart, maybe it's because i've had bleeding problems, or maybe it's because I just haven't been so lucky in the health arena lately and I fear falling into the less than 1% of patients who end up with complications in this procedure. When I close my eyes and fall asleep Tuesday morning as they inject the anesthesia into my veins there will be a part of me that will feel relief because I will get to rest and sleep deeply.. something I haven't had the chance to experience for so long; there will also be a part of me that will be scared .. wondering and hoping that I won't fall again into the less than 1% of folks who have issues. I will imagine Papa holding me and protecting me. I will imagine Ahnung by my side. I will imagine the love and support of so many friends and family holding me up.

So early Tuesday morning a good friend of mine will take me to the hospital and she will wait for me as I'm undergoing my heart procedure. I've been told the procedure will take anywhere from 2 to 6 hours. That if the electrical problems are coming from the right ventricle (as they suspect) that they will be able to identify the source soon after they enter my heart with the wire and they will burn that area of my heart. If they discover I have electrical problems in my left ventricle they will then have to go through my heart and it will take much longer, and it may also mean that there is some relation to the left ventricular noncompaction heart disease I have. My doctor also says on rare occasions the source of the problem is outside the heart and in that case he said they won't be able to fix the problem as they will be inside my heart, and that a follow-up procedure/surgery will have to take place.

I am hopeful that this procedure will take away the symptoms I've had for the past 2.5 months and that I will finally be able to sleep through the night. I am having to practice letting go .... really, truly letting go. It seems as if i'm having to practice letting go on multiple levels and the irony of it all, is that when I am able to let go and loosen my grip on wanting to try to control some outcome or some part of myself, that I am able to find myself, find peace and to feel more alive than ever.

"To be fully human, fully myself,

To accept all that I am, all that you envision,

This is my prayer.

Walk with me out to the rim of life,

Beyond security.

Take me to the exquisite edge of courage

And release me to become."

~Sue Monk Kidd