We must first learn to love ourselves

Today is Valentine's Day ... a day focused on romantic relationships. For me this year it has an entirely new meaning. Last year was a very difficult year for me on so many levels. It was also a year of tremendous pain, but in that pain came growth. I learned that in a relationship, love isn't enough. I also learned that in relationships (and friendships for that matter) we bring in old deep wounds, often covered with scabs that have solidified over the years. And I've learned how we must peel back the scab, layer by layer, and sit with all that emerges so we can keep move forward and deeper towards our true selves. Most importantly, I learned that we must first learn to love ourselves and we must above all, listen to that whisper inside of us that is often crying out to be heard.

"Recognize that your spiritual self is a crucial voice in the whole of your life. Recognize what you believe and begin to comprehend why you believe it. Your spirituality is intrinsic to growth, the process of change, creative expression -- all essential processes of living."

"there is synthesis.

there is silence.

then there are spaces

in between the two.

those spaces require the greatest courage.

for in them we

must learn to listen

to ourselves."

There will come a day when I will again dare to step into a relationship. That day won't come until I feel secure enough to know that I am rooted strongly in the earth and in my sense of self to no longer lose myself in the merging of two people in a relationship. I love what one of my healers recently said to me "how do we merge in a relationship without submerging?"

For now, I am grateful for the time I have with myself, my dogs, my friends and with all that lights a fire in my spirit and my soul --- writing, meditation, photography, animal rescue ... and to have a place and a home that has become such a sacred sanctuary for me. I am grateful for the time I have to explore, to discover, to define and re-define, to mold, to create and to step into unknown territory. I am basking in this wide open space around me ... a universe filled with possibilities. 

I am learning to listen to a voice that has been stuffed down for decades. "it's a familiar voice." I say. It's been vibrating inside of me, aching to come out. Slowly I learn ... it's my voice and it wants to be heard. Somewhere I was given the gift of courage last year ... by God, maybe my father ... probably both. And as my voice started to emerge I discovered it was no longer okay to remain where I was at. I realized the path I needed to choose was one that would be very difficult and very painful, yet one I needed to do. As one of my healers told me, "You fell in love with you. And you chose You." I smiled, with a tinge of discomfort because I have never felt comfortable choosing me. I have always felt more comfortable giving and choosing others before myself. 

"You lean forward not because you know, but because you

want to find out.

You lean forward into your life not because it is safe to do so, 

but because

You have found it intolerable to remain still, unmoving from

the same place."

"breathe in the winds of courage

that each day you may discover

in fresh ways what it is to

soar above this sacred earth

and sweetly land in her

arms at dusk."

[quotes from Maryanne Radmacher].