Awake

I've been awake since 3 am ... tossing and turning and decided to start writing. I'm guessing i'm a little worried. I had tests last week at Mayo. My doctor was out last week but returned yesterday so I called to make sure he wouldn't forget to call me with the results of the extensive labwork and the abdominal/pelvis CT scan done to check on my pancreas. There was concern that my pancreas was only functioning at 10%. Hopefully tomorrow I will speak with my doctor.

I awoke this morning thinking of Earnie Larsen, a parishioner at St. Joan of Arc. A couple months ago I returned to St. Joan, and the first Sunday that I returned I read in the church bulletin about Earnie Larsen, a parishioner who was recently diagnosed with Stage IV pancreatic cancer and was told that he most likely had 2 years left. He was a writer and wanted to share his journey. I've been following his journey. I revisited the St. Joan website and learn that in his Dec 2010 oncologist visit he has now been given a best guess of 3 months. As he approaches his final days he continues to be an inspiration to so many through his "letters" and "lessons". He talks now about Dancing with God:

AS I LEARN TO LET MYSELF DANCE WITH MY GOD, to keep focused on Him, things have changed a lot since last week.  As I learn to open my heart to all the incredible love coming from you, my family, I feel strength pouring into me.  My core is strengthening.  I see and feel my God smile at me - sometimes he even winks - and says, "See, I told you. Trust me.  We are on a wonderful journey."

Your love astounds me!  It pours in from everywhere.  It lifts up my body and spirit and makes it soar like an eagle.  Even my poor old body.  I've lost about 50 pounds to the meat grinder.  I look like an emaciated, pot bellied stork.  Pot bellied because of all the fluid build-up in my abdominal cavity. All my life I have gladly jumped into the pit and fought to the death in the name of God for others spiritual freedom.  I've fought the red mist in the lives of others forever - and seen the miracles.  I've seen the power that only "I love you" possesses at its fiery core to create transformed lives.  (Which IS dancing with God) 

But now that same "in the pit" do or die commitment is coming back to me from you.  Now it is pouring into me.  And with that God winks and says, "It is your time.  Let us enjoy this together."

I also recently had a conversation with my insurance agent. He took the place of Peggy, my insurance agent I had worked with for almost 10 years. Last summer she died from pancreatic cancer. We reminisced about  Peggy. Then last week when seeing my energy healer she shared with me that she lost her sister to pancreatic cancer. A year ago yesterday (January 3, 2010) was also the first time my father appeared to me in a dream. And in that dream one of the things he told me was that I have pancreatic cancer which then led to the diagnosis of pancreatic insufficiency by my GI doctor and an explanation for the 35 pounds I lost in a year.

So even if I did awake because of worry I will try to fall back to sleep for a little bit hearing the words of Earnie and the image of dancing with God. The truth is none of us know when it will be our time. Opening our hearts and dancing with God must be an every day occurrence ... "cancer is nothing. Love is all."

"Blocked hearts are sick hearts.  No one lives well if there are a mountain of petrified tears hiding in the dark.  Breaking out, bursting through the egg shell that holds us captive is the only way to gain freedom.  And that takes acceptance. Acceptance is the ticket into the dance."