Rituals. Practice. Healing.

Every morning I have a ritual. I wake up and let the pups out, any time between 4:30 and 5:30 most mornings. I step outside into the backyard with them. This morning it was a cool fall morning. It was dark until the light off of my garage lit up sensing my motion. I take deep breaths outside and look up into the skies. I thank God, my Papa, my Ahnung, for another day.

I feed the pups breakfast. I make myself some coffee. While coffee is brewing I lay down on the exercise mat in the front room (now converted into an wellness/workout room) and i measure my HRV (heart rate variability ... the following is a link that shares more info on HRV: http://www.health.com/heart-disease/heart-rate-variability). I have been measuring/tracking my HRV now for about a month and a half. My friend and colleague who is also a personal trainer opened my eyes up to HRV as a way to deepen my health and wellness .. it has been a wonderful tool in my journey to notice more around me and within me, and to notice how my body holds my stories and responds in certain conditioned ways ... (more about HRV and the vagus nerve on a future post!).

After measuring my HRV I enter my meditation/writing room. Typically two of my pups (Mister and Missy) are the ones who follow me into the meditation room ... well, they actually follow me everywhere! I light incense and I situate myself comfortably on my meditation cushion. I sit. I breathe. I notice thoughts fill up my mind. I let them go. I breathe. I notice thoughts. I let them go. I breathe .... over and over. Meditation is as essential and life giving for me as water is.

After meditation, I once again thank God, thank Buddha, thank Papa, Ahnung and all beings for the gift of life and another day.

Then I write. I journal. Some times i sketch and draw in my journal. As Julia Cameron (The Artist's Way) calls them, they are my morning pages. I write for as long as I feel called to do so. Sometimes it is 10 minutes, sometimes an hour, or even two.

And now I have added the following .. I return to the front room. Set aside the exercise mat. Pick up my jo (an aikido practice i learned while in my training in California earlier this month) and after stating my declaration, i practice the first 18 forms of the 31 jo kata movements (some day I will learn the remaining forms!) ...

I then practice ukemi .. the art of falling/surrendering.

Then I make myself breakfast ... scrambled eggs with spinach, mushroom and broccoli ... half an ezekiel muffin with almond butter and a small bowl of strawberries and raspberries.

Ritual. Practice. Prayer.

Meditation. Writing/Journaling. Intention (through jo kata and ukemi). Nourishment.

I go to bed early and I wake up early. That is the rhythm of my body. My early mornings are sacred. They are my water, my air, my fire, my earth. It is a Way I have learned to walk with the guidance of my Ahnung. And it is forever evolving as she teaches me to keep listening and noticing.

Daily practice. Daily ritual. Daily prayer.

What is your daily practice?

Center

 Enso - Zen Circle

This morning I find myself reflecting on the word 'Center'. One of Merriam Webster's definition for center is "a point, area, person, or thing that is most important or pivotal in relation to an indicated activity, interest, or condition ... a source from which something originates". I use the word Center a lot in my life. It has played a large role in my healing and life's journey. Where is my Center? Where is that place from within myself where I am able to ground myself? Is it within myself? Or is it in the spiritual realm? Can we have a spiritual Center and also a physical Center? Can we move between these various Centers as we search for homeostasis and balance in the realm of the Physical, Spiritual, Emotional and Mental?

For as long as I can remember I have always been drawn to circles. There is no beginning and no end. Every point is a beginning, and also an end. We sit facing each other. We are equals. Energy can flow in all directions. The earth is a circle. The sun and the moon is a circle. The planets in a solar system orbit around the sun in a circular manner.

When I think of Center i think of Circles. An infinite point. Vastness. Expansiveness.

I am realizing now my center has shifted throughout my life. I found my Center in different places as I worked to heal childhood traumas. Childhood sexual abuse moved me out of my physical body to survive. I found my Center in the spiritual realm as I struggled to find meaning, place, purpose, belonging, when the physical world, my physical body and humans did not feel safe. I found my Center in the eternal bond with my Papa, and in the angels guided me to .... Ahnung, and other 'angels' who came to me in the form of dogs. I find it interesting that the brightest star, Sirius, is also known as the Dog Star. Ahnung, my spirit dog, continues to be my north star, and she continues to guide me from the spirit world. She continues to be my Center as I explore ways to find a new Center in my physical body; as I explore to return home to my body; as I explore learning a new language of listening to my body as it hold the stories and the narratives of my life.

I am curious and full of wonder as I navigate my Way and my life through new and unchartered territories. This morning, I am curious as to how we all navigate our way through life. Do we look for the stars in our night skies to guide us? Do we listen to the wisdom of our bodies, and to the wisdom of spirits and beings around us? Do we embrace mystery or do we fear mystery? Do we adjust our sails according to the winds? Do we live only in our head and brain, trusting only what makes logical sense and what we can see?

What does it mean to Center? What would a Centering practice look like? And why is Centering so important?

Ukemi ... the art of falling .... Surrendering.

I recently began working with a new trainer. A trainer who is also a friend and a colleague and who has inspired me to move forward into a new chapter in my life .. an exciting new journey of somatic coaching. Last night we met. He is also an aikido practitioner. I tried aikido almost 20 years ago. I remember loving it and feeling how so much of it resonated with me on so many levels. Last night he taught me ukemi, the art of falling. He demonstrated for me the 'back fall'. As I watched I found myself mesmerized. Effortless. Flowing. Circular. Then he asked me to try it. Not so flowing and effortless :).

He told me, philosophically ... ukemi is about surrendering. He shared an article with me written by Richard Strozzi, "The Aiki Way: The Art of Falling" ... " ... falling requires surrendering to gravity, the energetic field of our lovely planet. To live a conscious, evolving life surrender is a requirement at every stage of growth. When we surrender we fall into a larger luminescent, unknown space. Falling is the practice of surrendering ..."

Almost 30 years ago, I surrendered to my inability to control my drinking. Surrendering was my first step in acknowledging I had a drinking problem. I find myself reflecting on surrendering ... the different levels and layers of surrendering. Letting go. Am I really surrendering? Am I really letting go? How do I find balance in feeling grounded and centered, and surrendering to the fall ... to gravity? Trusting in the fall and the journey; trusting I will land, or I will fly.

I remember when I was playing competitive racquetball. As I would get ready to take a shot, I would some times lift my head and look at the front wall which is turn would alter my form and the direction of the racquetball. My coach would tell me, 'Trust me .. the wall won't move." In competitive sports I was taught to look through my mind's eye, to visualize.

Today, I hold the following question in my heart and in my body ... What do I need to surrender to? What do I need to fall into?

Ahnung's 4th year anniversary - Grief visits again

Lake Superior (Two Harbors, Aug. 2017)

This year as the 4th year anniversary approached Grief arrived again. She had been visiting as she had when Ahnung was still with me physically. This time, she came to prepare us for the transitioning of the beloved 16.5 year old soul mate of my partner Joannie ... Piper (aka Pipey). On Aug. 17th, Ahnung welcomed Pipey into the spirit world. I believe she was there to assist Pipey as her spirit was set free from a body that had served her well, and much longer than most are able to ... Pipey, like Ahnung, was sent from God to help a specific Human through a difficult time in their lives and to open up their hearts.

Piper (Pipey)

Both Ahnung and Pipey walked with their Humans (myself and my partner) until their job on Earth was done.

Thank you Ahnung and Piper for your service; for watching over us; for bringing us together; for touching our hearts so we could learn to trust again; for believing in us when we couldn't believe in ourselves; for infusing your light, spirit and energy into not only our bodies and being, but into so many others blessed to meet you, whether in person, or virtually.

This morning I reflect on my journey and friendship with Grief.

I share past writings on this friendship, first unwanted .. when she came to my door in December, 2012:

Anticipatory Grief: Making Friends (December 27, 2012)

Grief walks up to your front door. It’s not time yet, you say. Yet she keeps on walking. She walks past the rose bushes in your front yard. She walks past the boulders you’ve carefully laid in her path. She walks past the detours you’ve planted to steer her around you and away from you. This time She is focused. And the rain is pouring and thunder is booming as the earth shakes and vibrates.

“Please,” She says, “I need shelter. I need to come in -- if only for a moment. “

Reluctantly, I let Grief in. I offer her a cup of warm tea. We sit by the fireplace.

“Why have you come?” I ask. “It’s not yet time.”

“It’s time. I am by myself tonight. Tomorrow I may not be alone. I may bring thousands of Me and there will be nothing you can do. We will break down your door. We will drown you. “

She pauses for a moment.

She strokes my dog Ahnung.

“Sit with Me now.”

We share stories. We cry. We laugh. Ahnung lays between us. A calm breeze permeates the room.

“It’s time for me go,” Grief says.

“But we have so much more to share,” I say.

She smiles. She rises, and Ahnung walks alongside her. Ahnung stops at the front door as Grief turns around to face me.

“I will be return. I may come alone, or I may bring a friend. Now, go be with Ahnung.”

We melt into the breeze coming through the open door.

Anticipatory Grief Visits Again (Mar. 3, 2013)

You came to visit me again last night.

Most days I see the clear blue skies, I catch my breath when I look up into the night skies, and I walk with my feet planted solidly on our earth.

Is it too much to ask for the World? For the Universe? For eternity …. For strings of days to never end with my sweet Ahnung? Is it too much to ask for Cancer to step to the back of the line? Is it too much to ask for the Love, the Wisdom, the Resilience, the brightness of Ahnung to shine on forever?

Dear Grief, I respect you. I honor you. I know you have a place in this world and in this universe. I know it’s not my place to negotiate with you. Yet when the earth shakes below my feet and when the ground moves and the tremors knock me off center, I desperately grab onto Ahnung. Last night, it was just an earth tremor. How many more tremors will I walk through with Ahnung? How many more tremors can the ground beneath us withstand until the inevitable quake on the horizon arrives? How many more tremors will I be blessed to endure before the ground beneath us splits open and swallows Ahnung? And will I be swallowed too? Will I be swallowed by the pain of You, dear Grief, as I desperately hold onto my soul, my Ahnung, as she slips away from me?

How? How do I accept, with grace, this Final Walk?

Grief looks me in the eye.

“When the earth shakes, and the ground beneath you falters, look up into the skies. Look into Ahnung’s eyes. Look up at the North Star. I gift you with the tremors.”

“Ahnung is in your heart. You are One. She is in your blood. She is in your bones. She is in the Earth. She is in the Air you breath. She is the Fire inside of you. She is in the oceans, the rivers and lakes, the rocks. When she is gone, she will live on in you.”

I hold onto Ahnung as the earth beneath us stops shaking. I bury my face in her thick neck. I hold her. I hold her as tightly as I can. I hold her again.


Anticipatory Grief … Here to Stay (August 24, 2013)

Grief knocks on my door again. Ahnung greets Her at the door. This time she arrives with bags in hand.

“It is time.”

She opens the door, takes my hand and leads me outside.

We get down on our knees. She places one hand over Ahnung’s heart and one hand over my heart.

And she repeats to me what she said months earlier:

“Ahnung is in your heart. You are One. She is in your blood. She is in your bones. She is in the Earth. She is in the Air you breath. She is the Fire inside of you. She is in the oceans, the rivers and lakes, the rocks. When she is gone, she will live on in you.”

I look into Ahnung’s eyes.

Grief takes my hand, “It is time. We must begin the walk.”

In the dark, we are guided by the north star and the beat of our hearts.

My new house guest: Grief (August 31, 2013)

On August 25, 2013, as the sun was setting, I held my Ahnung in my arms, surrounded by friends, as her heart stopped beating. The weight of her body fell into my arms. She was gone. Physically gone. My heart wanted to stop breathing with her.

Grief, you took her place.

I have floundered in the darkness.

You again remind me of what you said to me in your many visits:

“Ahnung is in your heart. You are One. She is in your blood. She is in your bones. She is in the Earth. She is in the Air you breath. She is the Fire inside of you. She is in the oceans, the rivers and lakes, the rocks. When she is gone, she will live on in you.”

Grief holds my hand. Walk with me. Close your eyes.

“When I visit you in waves know that I come with your Ahnung. Ride the waves with us. Open your heart … in the cracks and shattered pieces of your heart, let the light in, let the water in …  you must also let the sharp edges cut you. Sink into the waves. Hold onto me, hold onto Ahnung. One day I promise you, you will ride the waves with us and I will leave you. You  will learn a new dance and a new way to Be with Ahnung.”

I invite Grief into my house. I set up a guest room for her.

"How long will you stay?" I ask.

"You will let me know. Listen. Listen to your heart, to Ahnung's heart. There is a beat, a strong heart beat in the silence and in the spaces."

We sit by the fireplace and I offer her a cup of tea.

Into the night .... We tell each other stories. We sit in silence.

“Ahnung is with you.”

I look at at my new friend, “Teach me. Teach me to listen in a new way.”

Two Hearts.
Two Souls.
One Love.
------------

This morning I reflect on these words my friend Grief shared with me:

“Ahnung is in your heart. You are One. She is in your blood. She is in your bones. She is in the Earth. She is in the Air you breath. She is the Fire inside of you. She is in the oceans, the rivers and lakes, the rocks. When she is gone, she will live on in you.”

I have learned, with her help, and Ahnung, to embody these words. Earlier this week, my partner and I traveled up north to Lake Superior. We scattered some of Ahnung and Pipey's ashes into Lake Superior as the sun was setting on Aug. 20th ... along the rocky shores of Lake Superior, in Two Harbors, we found a quiet area. My partner played native American flute music, we offered tobacco, lit sage and as we scattered sprinkles of ashes of our beloved soul beings, we thanked them. I asked for Ahnung to watch over Pipey; to welcome her and show her the ropes of an amazing spirit world; to watch over my partner; to keep watching over me; to keep teaching me; to keep opening up my heart. I thanked her for bringing my partner Joannie and Piper into my life.

The next day we went to Gooseberry Falls State Park. We scattered more of their ashes in Gooseberry River, and in the trees. As I released Ahnung's ashes into the river, I thanked Ahnung once again for being everywhere and for continuing her work. I thanked Grief too .... Yes, Ahnung is the Fire inside of me ... she is in the oceans, the rivers and the lakes, the rocks. And yes, she continues to live on inside of me and through me.

Gooseberry Falls State Park

Lake Superior (Two Harbors)

These beautiful words of Rumi helped me through this journey .. they helped me welcome Grief into my home ... to find myself and crack my heart open so I could stay connected with Ahnung and to learn a new language ...

'Go and find yourself first

So you can also find Me

Don't run away from grief, o soul

Look for the remedy inside the pain

because the rose came from the thorn

and the ruby came from the stone'

'Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with their heart and soul, there is no separation'

~ Rumi

Miigwech Ahnung and Piper.

Safe travels Piper (aka Pipey) ..

Piper - October, 2016

We said goodbye to our beloved Piper on Thursday, 8/17. This precious little girl had walked this Earth with her mama (and my partner) Joannie for 16 years, 8 months and 2 days. She has left an incredible hole in our hearts and in our lives. I have been talking to Ahnung and asking her to greet Pipey.

Sweet Pipey ... you are deeply, deeply missed.

This morning, after my morning meditation .. the following come to me from Ahnung and Piper.

Keep on Walking

God sent me to walk with you.
Our path has come to a fork.
My work on Earth is done.

We have walked this Earth together.
Side by side.
I am with You.
I am above You.
I am below You.
I am around You.
I am with You.

We are One.

I thank you for loving me enough
to set my spirit free
from a body that has served me well.

My body may no longer be with you.
My spirit is always with you.
My spirit is IN you.

Our cells are One.
Our Heart is One.
Our Spirit is One.

Your work continues here on Earth.
I will be watching over you, as you have watched over me.

Listen.
See in new Ways.
Speak a new Language ..
one without physical touch or sight.
You will hear me.
You will feel me.
You will sense me.

Keep walking.
One day at a time.
One step at a time.

The time will come when you will reach
another fork in the road.
The time will come when your work will also be done.
And when that time comes ... I will be right by your side, as I am right now. And together we will walk this new path, cross over, and you will join me in this amazing new world.

Until then, sweet Mama, keep walking.
Your work is not yet done.

Ahnung and Piper

Papa visits me in my dream ...

I had a dream last night. It was so real. It was the afternoon Papa died. Friday, Dec. 20, 1968. I had just turned 4. It was surreal. I could sense Papa leaving his body. Energy is the only way I can describe it now. The room was filled with amazing, beautiful, light .... radiating energy. I wasn't afraid. I don't think I was in my body either. I was with Papa and I could see the hospital room.We were everywhere. We could see everything. My mother was crying hysterically. I was quietly sitting in the corner. I was wearing a short-sleeved white blouse, red bottoms. We could see everything happening in the room, yet we could also see everything outside. In one instance Papa and i were in the room; in the same moment we saw the St. Louis arch, the magnificent Mississippi River.

My adult logical mind can't make sense of my dream. Surreal. I tell myself to let go of that logical mind. Just Be. Embrace the experience.

I was with Papa. Energy. Light. This sense of being everything and nothing. Observing physical form, bodies in the hospital room below us. No fear. Nothing. Everything.

Then I was back in the hospital room. Panic, crying, screaming was around me .. Mama, doctors, nurses. In my dream, even the 4 year old at that moment felt calm. I wasn't afraid. My Papa was still with me. I just couldn't see him. I just knew.

I woke up feeling so connected with my Papa.

Did my Papa take me with him for a brief moment the afternoon his spirit left his body? Did he want my 4 year old body to know he is still here - for the little girl to not be afraid; that he will always be here; that he will always be watching over me.

I closed my eyes again wanting to fall back asleep. To return to my dreams; to return to Being with my Papa again in the most amazing Way.

I couldn't fall back to sleep. As I got out of bed I thanked my Papa.

Some day we will be together again. Till then, I will feel him with me in every molecule and atom of my Being.

Honda Element (Ahnung mobile) moves on ...

In 2004 I purchased my Honda Element. I walked into the dealer in Burnsville, MN looking for a new vehicle. The sales man asked me what I was looking for, my lifestyle, what was important. I described to him what was important ... I had 2 dogs at that time (Shadow and Shen). My dogs were my 'kids'. He walked me over to an orange Element on the sales floor. I remember thinking, that is the ugliest vehicle. He could tell by my expression how much I disliked it. He told me, 'let me just explain why'. He proceeded to show me how the seats in the back folded up so easily to create a large cargo space, how it would be so easy to just wash out the vehicle and spray it down ... this one happened to have heated leather seats and a DVD player (a Bug's Life was in the player .... he smiled and said, your dogs could watch movies!). After a couple hours I was driving out of the dealer with my new orange Honda Element! I figured the 'ugly' boxy look, and the orange would grow on me!! I needed a vehicle that day! Let's just say it didn't take long for me to fall in love with my Element, both the look and the color and the ease in which the seats lifted up so my pups could have lots of space!

This vehicle has been through so much with me. When I got involved in the animal welfare community in 2006 it became the vehicle that helped transport animals. When I went up to Red Lake Reservation in 2008, it was the vehicle that transported my beloved Ahnung (along with 17 other dogs/puppies/kittens) back to the Twin Cities ... it is the vehicle that has transported more animals to the next stage of their journey in finding forever homes. It has been the vehicle where Ahnung and I spent many hours ... where her energy infused the space ... it was the vehicle that took us up to Grand Marais (along with Legacy, who joined us in 2011) for our trips after we learned she had cancer. It is the vehicle that transported Ishkode (aka her chosen pup) in 2013 after she had transitioned to the spirit world.

Ishka as a puppy (2013)

I had planned on driving the Element (my Ahnung mobile) until it died. It had 180,000 miles and was an amazing vehicle. I would have purchased another Element, however, they no longer make them anymore. The next vehicle I had thought about was a Jeep Renegade ... yeah, i had come to love the boxy look! But it would have to be many years, in my mind, as the Element was probably going to last me until 300,000+ miles! Well, as Ahnung always does ... she communicates with me. One morning my friend posted on Facebook she was looking for a used car. She has a small business, Tiny Tails, where Ishka spends a few days each week as she gets the most amazing care, daily pack walks and so much more! My friend also comes to our house and helps with our pack of 5 dogs when we need help (Ishka, Legacy, Mister, Missy and Piper). With the exception of Piper (16.5 years old) she takes the big dogs out on pack walks. I honestly don't know how she does it!!! I only take them for walks, one at a time!! :). Anyway, when I saw her post on Facebook, I had this image and thought pop up. It was like Ahnung was talking to me ... The Honda Element needs to go to Tiny Tails! Ahnung was telling me it was time to let go, for the Element
to move on to the next part of her journey ... and so there have been many tears as I have said goodbye to a vehicle that been symbolic on such a deep level and has represented my connection to Ahnung, transporting so many rez animals (including Ishka), and my work in the animal welfare community in Minnesota. Last week I purchased a red Jeep Renegade Trailhawk. Yesterday, I said goodbye to my Element and she has now moved on to being the Tiny Tails mobile! It makes me sooo happy to see her continue her work helping an amazing small business and friend. I am also happy Ishka will continue to get to ride the Element. Ishka also broke in the Trailhawk yesterday, named 'Starfire' (after Ahnung which means star in objiwe, and Ishkode which means fire in ojibwe).

Here's to new adventures with Starfire and the Tiny Tails mobile!!!! And thank you Abra and Tiny Tails for providing my Honda Element (formerly the Ahnung mobile) with a new home and purpose!!!