Kindred spirits ... creating space for silence.

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Last night was a hard one for me. Despite a strong appetite, it appears Ahnung is still losing weight. It’s been a little over 3 weeks since I came home from the Philippines. I arrived back home on Thanksgiving night and when I walked in my house was greeted by four very happy bouncy furkids  .. of course, Mister was in the front jumping all over me, Missy was right behind him and Legacy came around the back so he could get to me too. Then there was my sweet Ahnung, who as she always does, waits behind and on the perimeter of all the chaos with her tail wagging like crazy. She waits till her crazy siblings have had their chance to greet me and knows that I will come towards her. I let the 3 bouncy pups out into the backyard so I can greet my sweet girl without craziness around me. I see her ribs protruding and it’s obvious to me she has lost weight. I know in my gut something isn’t right.

I have an appointment already scheduled with Lake Harriet Veterinary for Monday and Wednesday. On Monday she goes in to get blood drawn so that on Wednesday when we meet with Dr. Cathy we will have the results of her blood profile. When I bring her in on Monday we weigh her and she is 58 lbs. She has lost 4 lbs. On Wednesday I return for our appointment with Dr. Cathy. She now weighs 57 lbs but everything else checks out great. Her blood profile came back great .. everything was in the normal range! Her physical check up also is great, yet I know in my gut there is something that is not right. She is losing weight and there is something going on. I absolutely love Lake Harriet Veterinary and the care I receive from their staff and their vets. I love that they practice both eastern and western veterinary medicine and that they listen to me … they listen to me and they recognize and respect that there is a bond I share with Ahnung and when I say I ‘just know’ something isn’t right they hear me. Dr. Cathy tells me she would recommend chest x-rays. Later that day that uneasiness in my gut about what is going on is confirmed when I hear the words come out of Dr. Cathy’s mouth telling me Ahnung’s cancer has metastasized to her lungs. Interestingly, that day my surgeon also called me out of the blue to check on me and to make sure that I had on my calendar to have a breast MRI done in April. The diagnostic mammogram I had done in October didn’t show anything, but neither one of us expected it would as what is going on in my body appears to not show up with current diagnostic tools (mammograms or ultrasounds). I’ve had four excisional biopsies in the past couple of years and only when they cut out pieces of me and send it to the laboratory are they able to confirm that the cells in my body are going awry … some say it’s DCIS, most say it’s atypical ductal hyperplasia, and they all agree that there is something going on but they can’t quite figure out what it is. There is no simple answer to treat what is going on so the path I have chosen for now is ‘close surveillance.’ My surgeon asks me if I notice any new lumps in my breast. I am honest with her and tell her that it is now much harder for me to tell with all of the scar tissue. I also tell her I have decided to not think about it anymore. I will return every 6 months for my tests and procedures but part of me has stopped listening to what’s going on with my on body.  It’s now also been a year and a half since I learned I have a rare heart condition – left ventricular non compaction …  a heart condition that will lead to heart failure. Because it’s so rare there are so many unknowns .. it could be a year, two years, 10 years before the symptoms of heart failure begin to manifest. Due to a much higher risk of sudden cardiac arrest I have also had to adjust my life style and there’s an increased awareness on a daily basis of the fragileness of life and of how one’s life and most definitely one’s perspective on life can change in a single moment.

I admit I have consciously worked to put my health issues on the back burner. I don’t want to think about it. I am tired of seeing so many doctors and undergoing so many procedures, tests and surgeries. I also know that Ahnung and I are so connected and our health journeys are parallel and interconnected. In 2010 I was diagnosed with atypical ductal hyperplasia and since then have been walking that line of breast pre-cancer and cancer. In 2011 Ahnung was diagnosed with mammary cancer and had surgery to remove the tumor. In 2011 I was diagnosed with a very rare and serious heart condition. In 2012 Ahnung was diagnosed with a very rare, aggressive cancer. For both of us we are have what most would consider, terminal illnesses. Yet on the outside, we appear healthy. Ahnung continues to live and cherish every moment. And for the most part, I am able to share that same perspective of living in the moment and cherishing what I have right now, right here.

But then there are moments, sometimes hours and even days when I cave to the reality of what lies in front of me … last night was one of those times. As I noticed Ahnung’s protruding ribs again I realized I don’t know how much longer I will have my sweet girl with me. As I watched Legacy and Ahnung roll around in play I realize that Ahnung chose Legacy last summer … did she bring him into our lives knowing that her time may be limited and that when she moves on that Legacy will continue her work? Is she also trying to tell me to pause and notice my own health issues and to not put them on the back burner? I have witnessed the incredible bond grow between Ahnung and Legacy over the past 20 months, and when I look into Legacy’s eyes I see pieces of Ahnung. Last night and this morning, I feel something I can’t explain. My heart has been hurting and I ‘just know’ once again as my gut is speaking to me, that something is going on. I don’t know if it’s my precious Ahnung, or if it’s me, or maybe it’s both of us.

So this morning I needed to just take time to be silent and to reflect. I need to create space for whatever messages are trying to make their way to me through an angel (my precious Ahnung) who has blessed me with her presence since October, 2008. And as I make time this morning for quiet time, Ahnung lays by my side. It’s like I can hear her say, ‘Breathe. Listen.’ We are not fighting or battling cancer. We are not fighting my heart condition. We are not fighting anything.

Harmony. Community. Compassion. Love. Acceptance.

One Beat. One Heart. All will be okay.

Legacy brings out the puppy in Ahnung

Ahnung: Cancer update

Ahnung getting ready to head to hospice to visit her friend 'R'

We met with Ahnung's oncologist yesterday at the Blaine Bluepearl Veterinary. I am so grateful for the incredible care Ahnung is getting from her health care team both at Lake Harriet Veterinary and Bluepearl Veterinary. Her x-rays and records were sent over to Bluepearl and Dr. Husbands had reviewed her records before we even arrived. He spent an hour with us going over all of our options and giving Ahnung a thorough check :)

Without a biopsy or surgery and actually getting to the nodules in her lungs there is no way to know 100% if it is cancer. With her history, however, he said he is 90% certain that it is cancer. I opted not to go down the path of any additional invasive procedures for my sweet girl. My gut tells me it is cancer and I don't need to have her go through any additional procedures to confirm that ... after going through all the various options, and after consulting with my vet and just sitting with what feels right to give Ahnung the best chances while honoring her quality of life I decided to take a combo approach, combining eastern and western. Ahnung has started on 2 supplements: CurcuVet and a Green Tea extract. She will be starting I'm-Yunity early next week (this is a compound derived from a mushroom and has been shown to lengthen survival time in dogs with cancer: http://www.upenn.edu/pennnews/news/compound-derived-mushroom-lengthens-survival-time-dogs-cancer-penn-vet-study-finds). She will also be starting a low-dose chemotherapy treatment early next week where I have been told most dogs do not have any side effects from the treatment. It is a low dose continuous oral at home chemotherapy treatment geared towards blocking blood vessel growth of cancer cells.

Waiting to get on the elevator at hospice

Dr. Husbands was honest and upfront that there is no cure. Our goal is to shrink the tumors, or at minimum to slow the progression/growth. He indicated that a reasonable expectation for how much time a dog may have who comes in with metastasis to their lungs is 2-3 months. He went on to say, however, that there are exceptions. I know that if there is going to be an exception it will be my precious Ahnung. Unfortunately she lost another pound and now weighs 56 lbs. She has been getting even more treats and I am hoping we can stop the weight loss. Fortunately her appetite is as voracious as ever. And tonight after dinner I took my juicer out and she was ready for her dose of raw cabbage juice -- tonight I decided to add celery and a sprinkle of apple :)

Today Ahnung was her usual happy, tail-wagging, spunky self. She ran around the back yard like a crazy dog with Legacy and rolled around in the dirt :) And then we decided to visit our friend in hospice. We had a wonderful visit with our friend who was excited to see Ahnung. When he arrived he was napping so we had to knock on his door. I apologized for waking him up and he said 'I can nap anytime, but it's not every day I get a cute dog coming to visit me!" :) We sat and chatted for almost an hour while Ahnung helped lick the crumbs off of his floor and then walking over to his bedside to rest her head on his leg. I asked how he was feeling and he said he has good days and not so good days. His wife is also at the same facility and is also in hospice. He tells me, "I feel better when my wife feels better; when she doesn't feel good then I don't feel good." He goes on to tell how they met in highschool  .. how they've been married for 68 years and how she has been his only girl :) He smiles when he tells me how she would write him letters every day when he was in the military serving in Asia and then goes on to say, "My country has been good to me. They have taken good care of me." He knows I just returned from the Philippines and asks me lots of questions. And then he shares more about what he did after he left the army, his kids and how he will soon be turning 91!! ;-) As I sit and listen to him with Ahnung laying quietly by our side I feel blessed to be sharing time with him. His gratitude and positive attitude for the life he has lived and for those who are helping him today reminds me of our dear friend 'M' who told me many times, "I've had a good life."

Waiting for her friend 'R' to let her in!! :)

Today, as I spent time with our friend in hospice it touched me on an even deeper level. The time we share is not just about walking the final stage of our friend's life ... my volunteer work in hospice is now as much about walking the final stage of Ahnung's life and all of us sharing, collectively, i  learning to embrace what is to come and most importantly to live life to the fullest in the present moment ... because the present moment is all we have.

I would be lying if I said my heart doesn't hurt and feel like it's being ripped to shreds when I fast forward and think about when Ahnung won't be here with me. The truth is, I can't imagine my life without her. I am constantly telling myself to focus on the moment and to be here, to simply be here in the moment with Ahnung. She is happy today. She is full of life today. She is full of love.

I believe in the power of prayer and positive/healing energy, so please continue to keep Ahnung in your thoughts and prayers.

With heartfelt gratitude,
Marilou & Ahnung
... and her siblings Legacy, Missy and Mister too :)

Ahnung's cancer has spread ...

I returned from the Philippines on Thanksgiving night. It was a whirlwind trip and I was exhausted  after traveling for over 24 hours. Legacy greeted me in the car as he came along for the ride to the airport with Jenny. When I got home I was greeted by my other pups: Mister, Missy and Ahnung. I noticed right away how Ahnung looked like she had lost weight. As it turned out, we had an appointment this week for her 3 month cancer check up at Lake Harriet Vet. On Monday we were to go in so they could draw blood for her full blood workup. Then on Wednesday we had an appointment with Dr. Cathy. We went in on Monday and we checked her weight ... she had lost 4 lbs since her last visit to the vet a few months ago. Other than her weight loss Ahnung was not showing any symptoms. She was full of life, had a strong appetite, and enjoying her morning ritual of perusing the big back yard and rough housing with Legacy. I've been checking her regularly as well for any new lumps or bumps. Over the summer she had an ultrasound done as well and we confirmed she had no tumors in her spleen or lower organs. I've been able to catch the first two cancers because she had lumps. I noticed the lump by her nipple in July, 2011 and had surgery immediately to remove the lump and had clear margins. I noticed the lump on her neck/back and the lump was aggressively removed in April of this year and the reports also indicated a clear margin. But this past surgery was very hard on her and took a long time for her incision to heal. In April was had a Celebration of Life party for her ... what a gift to have had so many friends come together to honor her and to have a healing prayer circle led by my friend Merry Sawdey.

Since April I have been doing everything I possibly can for my girl ... we've been going in for 3 month cancer check ups and full blood work. Our plan is to have chest x-rays every 6 months and after the ultrasound was done over the summer I decided to also add ultrasounds to her plan. I have thanked Ahnung for giving me the signs .... the lumps on her mammary chain and her neck/back have allowed me to physically see the tumor .. to catch the cancer early. Since April I have struggled with the knowing that there is probably cancer in her body and I just can't see it. It's at a cellular level and my way to combat it is to do everything I can to build up her immune system and to create an environment in her body that is not conducive for cancer cells to thrive. We are so grateful to the staff at Lake Harriet Veterinary for the incredible love, compassion and care they have given to Ahnung. She has been on chinese herbs, fish oil and mushroom supplements since April along with following an anti-cancer diet. She also gets to enjoy raw cabbage juice with me :)

Ahnung after her surgery in April to remove the tumor in her neck/back

So yesterday Ahnung and I met with Dr. Cathy. We weighed her again and she had lost almost a pound since her visit on Monday. Dr. Cathy was happy to tell me her blood work came back great! Everything was in the normal range. She checked her out and nothing indicated any issues or problems. I shared my concern about her weight loss. Dr. Cathy agreed. Knowing her history with cancer she recommended chest x-rays. I asked if metastasis of cancer to her lungs could be happening even if she has no symptoms (other than unexplained weight loss) and her blood work is normal. 'Yes' was the answer I got. So off she went to the back to get 3 radiograph views. Of course, she got lots of hugs and treats from the awesome staff while she was there :)

Yesterday late afternoon I got a call from Dr. Cathy. They had sent the chest x-rays out for a second opinion from a radiologist and the results had come back. My heart just sank when the words metastasis to her lungs came out. My entire world came crashing down. So much of the conversation is a blur as much as I tried to listen. We are meeting with Ahnung's oncologist at 2 pm today to go over options. As much as I knew in my gut that this was coming, I am not ready for this. I am not ready to say goodbye to Ahnung. I am not ready to lose a part of me, a part of my soul. Today we are scheduled to visit her friend 'R' in hospice. We have been volunteering as a team in hospice and we have walked the final journey with so many. Today when we go and visit our friend I now know that we are actively begin to walk the final journey, not only with 'R' but also with my sweet Ahnung.

Ahnung and Legacy ... best friends and soul mates :)

I pray this morning for the strength to be at peace with wherever my path with Ahnung needs to go. I pray for courage to stand by her and to allow her to walk her final journey with life, joy and playfulness. And I thank my precious girl for bringing Legacy into our lives and for showing me that playful puppy side of her. There is nothing more joyful for me than to watch Ahnung and Legacy play chase and roll around in dirt every morning.

I don't know how much more time I have with Ahnung. What I do know is that I will cherish every moment I have with her. I will hold her and I will love her with every fiber of my being.

Here's a video I created back in April after her Celebration of Life party ...

Keep my sweet Ahnung safe ....

Sweet Ahnung ....

Tomorrow I leave for the Philippines. I will be visiting my mom and will also be attending the funeral of one of my aunt's who died suddenly and unexpectedly from a heart attack (rest in peace Auntie Norma -- you will be missed by many) ... It's been a while since i've been to the Philippines; it's been a while since i've traveled as my own health has held me back from traveling, as well as the health of Ahnung. But I knew I had to make a trip back home before the end of the year to see my mother. Little did I know that it would also end up being a trip for my auntie's funeral.

I must confess I am worried about being out of the country even though it's only for a week. I worry of being so far away from my sweet Ahnung. I worry her cancer will come back with a vengeance when I am gone. I'm also hoping that my health holds out and that I don't have any issues while I am out of the country. My doctors have given me the okay to travel.

I am extremely grateful to my friend Jenny for taking care of my babies while I am gone ... well, at least 3 of them (Ahnung, Missy and Legacy). Mister will get to go and hang out with auntie Laura :)

Dear sweet Ahnung .... continue to keep those cancer cells at bay and know that your mom will be with you in spirit even though she will be on the other side of the globe :) I'll see you in a week sweet girl ... take good care of your crazy brother Legacy and your sister Missy :)

My heart speaks again

I was fortunate enough to catch this image in northern Minnesota of an eagle perched on a branch a few years ago. I was mesmerized for the 15 minutes or so where I was blessed to be in the presence of such an amazing spirit. I return today to this image, as I am reminded, to slow down and pay attention to my heart which has been calling out to me to listen ...

I haven't written much about my health. It's been intentional. For several years I feel like my life has been filled with doctor visits, surgeries, medical procedures and tests and an onslaught of health challenges. Even though I haven't written or talked much about my health lately, the reality of my health challenges remains an undercurrent in my life. Similarly, I walk this delicate balance with Ahnung with her two bouts with aggressive cancer, and learning to find some semblance of peace in the midst of an incredible amount of uncertainty. I can't change what life has placed in my path, but what I can change and control is what I choose to focus on ... and for me, it's been to focus on what makes me feel alive and all of the work I am doing in animal welfare here in Minnesota and the hospice volunteer work that Ahnung and I do as a team.

Unfortunately these past few days my heart is speaking out to me again. I saw my electrophysiologist/cardiologist in April of this year. It's been 16 months since my heart procedure and when he told me it could be a year, 2 years or 10 years before the symptoms from my left ventricular noncompaction (a heart condition that will most likely lead to heart failure) would surface. For the past month or so i've had occasional bouts of heart palpitations and waking up in the middle of the night from my heart feeling like it's going to hop out of my chest. But they've been sporadic and infrequent enough that I figured it's just a blip :) I've also had increased fatigue but i've been telling myself it's probably from stress, and I just accommodate by going to bed early and getting more sleep. But now with increased palpitations, which are always worse at night, it makes it hard to get sleep. For the past three nights it's been persistent and consistent. I'm waking up every couple hours at night like I used to back in 2011 before my heart procedure (although last night I got a streak of 5 straight hours of sleep for which I am extremely grateful for!). I've also had this feeling of heart burn ... so yesterday I caved and I called my doctor's office. On Friday I go in to have a holter monitor put on me so they can check the rhythm of my heart and to see if i'm having significant PVCs again (pre ventricular contractions ... essentially when your heart starts beating from the wrong place in your heart and it feels like a skipped beat). I will then be meeting with my cardiologist on the 24th.

These past few days as my heart has been speaking out I am reminded of the fragileness of life; i am reminded of all the uncertainty that flows in the undercurrent of my life's journey; i am reminded of how I must embrace uncertainty with as much zest, life, wisdom and passion as my sweet Ahnung.

Summer is coming to an end, and leaves will be changing colors soon. Seasons. There is a time and a place for everything. 

Before actress Gildna Radner died of ovarian cancer at the age of 42, she said, "I wanted a perfect ending ... Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity."

As my heart continues to speak to me, may I approach whatever is in store for me, with curiosity and acceptance of a life filled with 'Delicious Ambiguity.'

The ebbs and flows of life and emotions

I took time yesterday to simply Be .. my list of 'To Dos' went by the wayside. I needed time to Be with my grief, to Be with Ahnung (aka 'Star -- Good Girl'), to Be with 'M' in spirit, to Be with all the emotions that arise from the loss of someone who has touched your heart, to Be with my tears and to Be with feelings, of which so many of my emotions I found myself wanting to label and to judge, and then I heard a wiser voice say ... 'Just Be, with all of it.'

I regretted not having the chance to bring my ipod to M's room and play for her classical guitar and harp music. I wanted to share with her the music of Roberto Aussel, an incredible Argentinian classical guitarist I had the chance to watch perform in concert many, many years ago when I lived in St. Louis, Missouri. I wanted to share with 'M' music that had touched my soul decades ago. I was sure, it too would touch her soul. Simply watching her talk about classical music, about how that was one regret she had, that she could play the harp or the guitar ... but then she would quickly turn her regret around, "But that's okay, I can listen to it and I can appreciate it." And she would smile. I miss her smile; i miss her optimism; i miss her positive outlook and attitude; i miss the incredible kindness she showed to her roommate; i miss her gratitude of everything; i miss how she lit up when Ahnung would walk in the room; i miss how she would smile every time she said 'Star .. Good Girl' and how proud she was to have Ahnung's calendar hanging on her wall. I miss her stories of her family; i miss telling her all about the many animals rescued from Leech Lake Reservation week after week; i miss her energy, her presence, her wisdom. I miss how she would always tell me how much Star loved to come visit her and how happy she was and how much she loves seeing her tail wag.

Taking a short break on our walk

Yesterday, I needed to give room in my heart to remember 'M'. When the reminder in my calendar popped up for us to visit 'M' I realized we were going to visit 'M' but it would just be in a different form. Ahnung and I headed off to the Hyland Reserve nature trails by my house and went for a slow, leisurely walk ... I listened to Roberto Aussel (classical guitar baroque music) on my ipod and I asked 'M' to come join us for our walk .... The three of us had the most beautiful nature walk and I had the chance to thank 'M' for the gift of her friendship.  It was a quiet day for me ... lots of tears, lots of reflection, and yes, lots of gratitude. I know that by volunteering in hospice that I am choosing to walk the final journey with a friend. It's an honor, a gift and a privilege. And yes, it's hard when we have to say goodbye. I also know that I must make room for the sadness and the grief, and I must let it come out in whatever shape or form it needs to ... yesterday it gushed out and now the pain comes in waves. I think the pain of losing 'M' also brought up a lot of another emotions from other losses ... funny, isn't it, how everything in our lives our interconnected.

Ahnung has a been a precious gift to me. She is a gift to so many others in the work she does as a therapy dog and an ambassador for homeless dogs.

Ahnung and I are called to do this work .... and we are grateful for the gift of new friends and for the privilege to walk alongside our friends as they journey into a new way of being.

I created the following short video in memory and in honor of our friend 'M'. As I watch the video and listen to the beautiful classical guitar music of Roberto Aussel, I feel M's presence with me ... with the nature photographs I have taken over the years I remind myself that when someone dies, they haven't really left us ... they are forever in our hearts ... sprinkled everywhere throughout this magnificent world ....

"M" .... A bright new star on a Blue Moon

At 5:54 this morning I received an email from my volunteer coordinator at Allina, "M' passed away peacefully at 1 am this morning. I could feel this pain in my heart. I was hoping I could see "M" today at Abbott. She was taken there yesterday after she fell and broke part of her right femur.

On Monday, Ahnung and I went to visit 'M'. We didn't bring any White Castle burgers on this trip because we had been told she was continuing to decline and to be honest, I felt like we were on the final stretch. The last visit we had I brought White Castle burgers, and yes, she ate all of it and loved it, but she was clearly not feeling well. On Monday, Ahnung and I were planning to simply be there with her while she slept. Instead, we were in for an amazing surprise ... I shared the following on my facebook wall after our visit on Monday:

"Miracles do happen! ... today, I was expecting a very different visit with 'M'. Instead, Ahnung and I had the most incredible visit .. here are my notes to the Allina volunteer coordinator from today's visit: ... When Ahnung and I got to the patient's room she was sleeping. We walked in and sat next to her for a little while. As we were moving around she woke up. She immediately said, "Star Good Girl." Much to my surprise the patient was doing very well on our visit. We had a very nice visit and chatted for about an hour (her roommate was there for a large portion of our visit and also participated in our conversation). The patient said she hasn't been feeling well (nausea and tingly pain across her chest). She said the meds have been helping her. She said she has trouble sleeping at night as her mind keeps going. I asked her what she is thinking about and she said she remembers so many things, like her kindergarten teacher. She said she's remembering a lot of things from a long time ago. We talked about her twin brothers, how she's the last of the her siblings to be alive, how she loves music and wishes she had learned how to play an instrument. She especially loves the harp, violin and guitar ... and classical music. We then shifted to food!! :) She once again started talking about White Castle burgers and was remembering how delicious the White Castle burger she had from when I brought some over last Friday. I learned that both the patient and her roommate prefer the White Castle burgers with cheese so I promised I would bring them cheeseburgers next time. She asked me if I would ever eat one of them and I said that Star would have my share ... she said, 'You don't know what you're missing!' and smiled. She said there's just no burger like White Castle burgers!! We had an absolutely wonderful visit and she was very happy to see us (especially Star!!) .. she said Star can come visit her every day! I told her that we would be coming more often to visit :)

She also asked about the animals up at Leech Lake Reservation. How many did we rescue last week? How she hopes they all find good homes ... I never imagined I would be given the gift of another visit with such wonderful conversations .... We engaged in great conversation with her roommate .... her roommate is a HUGE Twins fan, and I brought her a present (a Twins gnome) from Jenny and told her ... "from one Twins fan to another!" She was wearing her Twins outfit, put on her Twins cap and held onto the Twins gnome and posed for me so I could take a picture. She was smiling from ear to ear ♥ And the two happy roomies held hands and posed for me so that I would have a picture of the two of them :)"

 'M' gave me such an incredible gift. Her smile when we would walk in her room ... her soft, gentle voice saying 'My Star ... my Star Good Girl" makes me smile. How she would tell me "it's all about attitude. I've had a good life." She would've been 90 on December 22nd. I told her we would have a big birthday party for her. She said she couldn't leave her room. I told her not to worry, I would bring the party to her! On our last visit, she talked about how she loves music and how she wishes she had learned to play an instrument .. she loves the harp, classical/acoustic guitar and the violin. I was planning on bringing my ipod with me and playing music for her. On Monday when I told her Star and I would be coming back soon and that it's okay if she doesn't feel well and just wants to sleep ... that we would just hang out with her. She looked at me and said, "will you just come sit with me? You and Star can come as often as you want. In fact, you can stay here all the time ... Star is such a good girl. She's the best dog in the world. We need more big therapy dogs ..." My heart smiles every time I think of 'M.' I love how she would share stories of her family, of what makes her happy ... she was very proud of her nieces, nephews, grandkids. One of her grandaughters was a screen writer and actress and she was very proud of how she tackled a very difficult topic, domestic violence. "It's a sad ending," she tells me, "the woman doesn't leave and she dies in the end." She goes on, "But it's an important story and it will help other women." She tells me how much she loved to read and write. She tells me how much fun she had as a kid, and on our last visit shared many memories of early childhood. 

On Monday I never imagined I would have the gift of another visit with her where she seemed so full of life. After watching her steadily decline for the past couple of weeks I didn't think we would have the kind of conversations we had when we first started visit in July. Monday was truly a miracle. In some ways, my gut was saying ... is she giving us this precious gift before she leaves us? Ahnung always sleeps upstairs and never comes in my bedroom with me. Ahnung sleeps upstairs or wherever she chooses to sleep. Last night was different. She came into my bedroom and wanted to sleep with me. I think she knew 'M' was leaving ... and i'm not surprised my dear friend 'M' waited till 1:00 am so that the day she leaves this world is on a Blue Moon, a rare event when we have two full moons in a month. 

As my heart filled with pain and grief when I received the news of M's passing, I momentarily asked myself, "Why? Why do I do this? Why do I volunteer in hospice? Why do I set myself up to be hurt?" I've been crying this morning and my heart hurts. But I can hear M's voice telling me it's okay, she's had a good life. I can hear her asking me about the animals up at Leech Lake Reservation. I can hear her happy that Star is no longer having to fend for herself and that she's safe, and that we belong together. The pain in my heart is as great as the joy 'M' gave to both of us. This morning I knew what I needed to do was to honor 'M', to give myself time and space to grieve and feel the pain of her loss ... and yes, for me, I needed to write. I need for others to hear bits of her story. I need for the world to know that a beautiful, wise spirit has passed on. Thank you 'M' for all you have given to so many in this world. Thank you for the gift of allowing us to walk alongside of you in the final leg of your journey .. a journey you walked with such love, kindness, dignity and grace. And so the answer to why Ahnung and I volunteer in hospice returned after I allowed the tears to flow. Death is as much a part of the cycle of life ... it's not something to fear. It's as much a part of the cycle of life, and 'M' lived it all the way to the end. She also told me over and over again, what a gift it was for her to have Star come visit her. So I know in my heart that part of Ahnung's work is to give comfort and joy to those on their final stage of their journey.

Hold On

To what is good

even if it is a handful of earth.

Hold on to what you believe

even if it is a tree which stands by itself.

Hold on to what you must do

even if it is a long way from here.

Hold on to life

even when it is easier letting go.

Hold on to my hand

even when I have gone away from you.

~ Pueblo blessing

So tonight, on a Blue Moon, I will celebrate the life of an incredible woman ... a woman who touched my heart and a woman who called my Ahnung "Star Good Girl" ... because tonight, when I look up into the night skies, I will know the brightest star out there will be our friend. 

Rest well dear friend. You will forever be in our hearts.