Listening ... listening with my heart ...

My sweet Ahnung had a good day yesterday and a restful night. The pain meds must be working ... I am beyond grateful for that. She also continues to spend time by the healing river rocks in the living room, intentionally choosing to nap by the rocks a couple times a day.

About an hour ago she followed me around. It was obvious she wanted to go outside. Her siblings were outside playing and since she had just gone potty I wasn't sure why she was wanting to go out again ... maybe to play with Legacy? I continued working. She came up to me again and kept staring at me. Then standing up and turning around as if to tell me to follow her. So I did. I brought her siblings in from outside and let her out. She very intentionally and purposefully went to the tree and laid down under the tree. She has never done that before. I have come to learn that Ahnung does everything with intention and purpose. She quietly laid by the tree for 30 minutes, then asked to come in. When she came, she immediately went to lay on the rug in the living room by the healing river rocks. She continues to lay by the rocks.

I have no doubt Ahnung is trying to tell me something. I have no doubt she has a reason for why needed to sleep by the tree. I must admit it brought up lots of emotions for me ... emotions of deep sadness as it was on July 2, 2007 when I made the heart wrenching decision to let my sweet boy Shadow go. He had been diagnosed with intestinal cancer and was given a few weeks. I brought him home so we could enjoy his last days/weeks. In the early morning of July 2, 2007 Shadow burrowed himself by a tree in the backyard by the memory stone. He had never done that before. I knew at that moment he was telling it was time to set his spirit free. Later that morning I took him to Lake Harriet Veterinary and held him tightly as his spirit was set free. I don't believe that is what Ahnung is telling me now. I know she is telling me something ... in my gut I believe she is doing all she needs to do to get the healing she needs from all the various sources in the universe. Maybe she is reaching out to Shadow, and every time she lays by the river rocks she knows she receives healing energy and love from a large community of supporters and friends.

Dear sweet girl ... I will keep listening. I will keep opening my heart to listen to what you need. Continue to guide me to do what is in your best interest. And dear sweet Shadow, know that you are still missed :)

Shadow ... July 2, 2007. I still miss you angel boy.

The wisdom of Ahnung

Air mattress set up so I could sleep by Ahnung

It’s been amazing to witness the wisdom of Ahnung. She slept hard last night (we woke up a couple times so I could give her meds). It was music to my ears to hear her breathe and snore. We will have another slumber party tonight … amazing how well I slept on the air mattress. I guess it’s because I was near my girl.  Ahnung has been intentional about how much she moves. It’s as if she knows she needs to rest to let her body heal. She’s been sleeping on her Martha Stewart bed in the kitchen .. close access to food, to the back door and a prime spot to see all that’s happening. She normally rotates beds in the house so the fact she is only sleeping on the blue bed is an intentional choice. And twice yesterday she got up to move to the living room to lay and sleep by the healing river rocks from her Celebration of Life party. Her little brother Legacy misses playing with her. This morning he dropped his tug toys by her and stood over her. That normally initiates play but Ahnung simply let her little brother be near her. He didn’t do his usual yanking on her leg.  It’s as if I could hear her communicate with her little brother …. I’m here. I love you but I need to rest.

My sweet girl this morning

And recently I’ve noticed a new lump. But I’m due for my 6 month check up with my surgeon and MRI in April so I’ve been disregarding it. I know my health journey and Ahnung’s health journey are so interconnected. Ahnung has a powerful way of communicating with me and getting my attention. While she was resting comfortably yesterday it gave me time to pause and reflect. I picked up the phone and called my doctor’s office. Tomorrow I go in to see my doctor to get the lump checked out.

Today she continues to rest comfortably. We feel blessed to have such a community of love and support around us.

I know we are on our final walk. Despite the largest tumor in her lungs growing by almost 50% since the end of December, she shows no symptoms of the cancer metastasizing her lungs. Her breathing is normal. Her latest blood work was normal. Her lymph nodes are normal. She continues to surprise her doctors that she has no symptoms from the cancer … but that’s my miracle girl :) If we can continue to manage the pain from her back arthritis and luxating patella, we will continue to keep walking this final walk and we will continue to explore with child-like curiosity the wonders, mysteries and magic that lies in front of us every moment …

Namaste.

Marilou & Ahnung (aka nung-nung)

Legacy misses playing with his sister

Sleeping by the basket of river rocks

Anticipatory Grief visits again

You came to visit me again last night.

Most days I see the clear blue skies, I catch my breath when I look up into the night skies, and I walk with my feet planted solidly on our earth.

Is it too much to ask for the World? For the Universe? For eternity …. For strings of days to never end with my sweet Ahnung? Is it too much to ask for Cancer to step to the back of the line? Is it too much to ask for the Love, the Wisdom, the Resilience, the brightness of the Ahnung to shine on forever?

Dear Grief, I respect you. I honor you. I know you have a place in this world and in this universe. I know it’s not my place to negotiate with you. Yet when the earth shakes below my feet and when the ground moves and the tremors knock me off center, I desperately grab onto Ahnung. Last night, it was just an earth tremor. How many more tremors will I walk through with Ahnung? How many more tremors can the ground beneath us withstand until the inevitable quake on the horizon arrives? How many more tremors will I be blessed to endure before the ground beneath us splits open and swallows Ahnung? And will I be swallowed too? Will I be swallowed by the pain of You, dear Grief, as I desperately hold onto my soul, my Ahnung, as she slips away from me?

How? How do I accept, with grace, this Final Walk?

Grief looks me in the eye.

“When the earth shakes, and the ground beneath you falters, look up into the skies. Look into Ahnung’s eyes. Look up at the North Star. I gift you with the tremors.”

“Ahnung is in your heart. You are One. She is in your blood. She is in your bones. She is in the Earth. She is in the Air you breath. She is the Fire inside of you. She is in the oceans, and the rivers and lakes. When she is gone, she will live on in you.”

I hold onto Ahnung as the earth beneath us stops shaking. I bury my face in her thick neck. I hold her. I hold her as tightly as I can.