Marilou's reflections

A Lamp in the Darkness

2012-01-10T08:15:00.000-06:00

A couple weeks ago the book I ordered through Amazon arrived in the mail, "A Lamp in the Darkness: Illuminating the Path Through Difficult Times" by Jack Kornfield. I ordered it not because I felt like I was going through difficult times but simply because I love Jack Kornfield's writings. Little did I know how timely it would be to have his book on my shelf in my writing room. When I wrote my last blog post reflecting back on the health challenges presented to me in 2011 (and to my dog Ahnung) I was in a space of simply noticing, and in many ways, a place of acceptance. There's a great quote from the book:

"If you can sit quietly after difficult news; if in financial downturns you remain perfectly calm; if you can see your neighbors travel to fantastic places without a twinge of jealousy; if you can happily eat whatever is put on your plate; if you can fall asleep after a day of running around without a drink or a pill; if you can always find contentment just where you are; you are probably a dog."

Yesterday I met with my internist. Yesterday I realized I was very human, as I certainly didn't respond peacefully and quietly after some difficult news. 2011 turned out ending with another twist with my health issues. For about a week at the end of December I had been experiencing abdominal pain. Yes, it hurt but it was a tolerable pain. I could tell something was going on but because I've had so many health issues and seen so many doctors in the past year, I thought maybe it would just go away. I had a couple days where I noticed something different about my urine .. It was pinkish and rusty (i've since learned that I had an episode of gross hematuria). Then on Friday, December 30th, signs became very clear that I was bleeding internally and I was rushed in for an upper GI. Later that day I was told I had stomach erosions and a biopsy was taken. The pathology report came back indicating that I did not have the H. Pylori bacteria which can be the cause of stomach erosions. Another cause is often drugs (frequently taking painkillers like tylenol, aspirin, ibuprofen). I mentioned to my GI doctor that for a few months I have been taking 325 mg of aspirin. Due to my heart condition of Left Ventricular Non Compaction my doctor has me on aspirin therapy to reduce my risk of strokes. My doctor did not believe the aspirin was the cause of my erosions and told me to keep taking the aspirin for my heart. I'm on medication for the stomach erosions (and it seems to be helping) and have another upper GI scheduled for 2/23. My doctor said he needs to go back in to see if the erosions have healed.

When I left Minnesota Gastroenterology I was told to follow-up with my internist. So yesterday was my appointment to do just that. Before I had the upper GI procedure they took my blood pressure ... it was 137/85. I looked at the nurse and said that's high for me. She said that's not unusual because patients get stressed. Well, in my gut I knew there was something off and that it wasn't stress. I've seen more doctors in the past 2 years and had more surgeries and procedures than some have had in a life time and my blood pressure (and pulse) have always been low ... typically 100/80. On a bad day it would get to 105/80. So I decided when I saw my internist for my follow-up I would mention the higher blood pressure and also what I had noticed in my urine a couple weeks ago. About a year ago, I had had a couple urinalysis reports come back showing I had blood (RBCs) and WBCs in my blood. A third test indicated it was back to normal so my internist at that time told me not to worry about it and to just get it re-checked in a year. In July, 2011 a had a full physical with my new internist. I failed to mention blood in my urine from previous tests not thinking it wasn't important. I learned yesterday that my urinalysis from July, 2011 indicated that I had blood (microscopic blood) in my urine again. I also had white blood cells which led him to believe that I may have an infection. After learning more about additional pieces of health information (which I inadvertently left out because I had so many other health issues ... mainly my heart issues!) he shared with me that intermittent bleeding in my urine (microscopic hematuria) needs to be checked out further with a urologist. He said it can be caused by kidney stones (although since i'm not in a lot of pain he doubts it's kidney stones) and can also be caused by tumors. "I'm not saying it's cancer, but we need to get it checked out," he said. Since it wasn't causing me any major problems I wanted to see if I could just take the wait and see approach. My doctor advised against that, "if it is cancer, if we catch it early we have much better chance of treating it." Next step is to set up an appt with a urologist and he would probably want to do both a scan of your kidneys and also a procedure called a cystoscopy ... unfortunately, he said, that's another not so fun procedure (as I told him how the upper GI was not an enjoyable procedure for me as I couldn't stop gagging!) I am scheduled for the kidney scan and appt with the urologist for 1/23.

Next item ... blood pressure. I mentioned how I noticed my blood pressure being higher than normal when I went in for the upper GI. My doctor checked my blood pressure twice. The first time it was 135/80 and the second time it was 137/85. He checked my records as said it was 101/80 in July, 2011. He said we technically don't start treating for high blood pressure until it goes over 140 so for now keep monitoring it. High blood pressure does run in my family. But I've always had normal or low blood pressure ... interesting that it's now high. It could be genetic or it could also be related to problems with my kidney. I wonder also, could it have anything to do with my heart disease?

I have always felt in my gut that whatever is going on in my body is something at a systemic level. In 2009 pre-cancer cells were found in my breast and it continues to multiply; in early 2010 I was diagnosed with pancreatic insufficiency. In 2011 they removed a polyp from my colon and told me I had a 'colony of internal hemorrhoids' ... later in 2011 it was my heart ... 25% PVCs and a heart ablation procedure and a diagnosis of a rare heart condition, left ventricular non compaction. Then 2011 ends with stomach erosions and 2012 kicks off with high blood pressure and kidney problems.

I don't know why but I don't think I was emotionally prepared for my doctor to tell me yesterday that I have kidney problems. I wanted to cry when I left his office .... when will this end? What's next? Sometimes I feel like my body is gradually being taken over by some virus or bacteria or some alien being (oh, that could be from watching too much Star Trek!). The Buddhist way is to embrace uncertainty and to embrace the unknown ... I must confess that yesterday (and even this morning) I feel off center and am trying to find my way back to a place of true acceptance and peace with whatever life throws my way.

I know that I need to find a way back to my center. I ask for the courage and the strength to walk my life's journey and to welcome and embrace all that comes my way. I pray for the strength to simply Let Go and to trust that the path I am on is the path I am meant to be on ... and when I feel myself lost in the darkness of emotions that scare me that I just hold onto Ahnung, my north star, as she has always, and will continue to be the lamp that leads me through the darkness.

Gratitude ... and embracing uncertainty with curiosity

2011-12-25T15:18:00.001-06:00

As 2011 comes to a close I find myself reflecting back onthe year … healthwise, so much has happened.

January, 2011 – I bought and closed on my house here inBloomington, MN. Together with my beloved pups (Ahnung, Missy and Mister) webegan a new start.

March, 2011 – While going in for an MRI guided breast biopsythey discover electrical problems in my heart. The breast biopsy is postponedtill I get clearance from a cardiologist. I soon learn my heart is beating fromthe ‘wrong’ place 25% of the time and am referred to the Heart Institute tomeet with a cardiologist and electrophysiologist.

April, 2011 – I have clearance from my cardiologist and havemy MRI guided breast biopsy done. Fortunately the lesions are benign. The electricalproblems in my heart worsen and I am scheduled for a heart ablation. I alsolearn I have a rare heart condition called Left Ventricular Non-Compaction(LVNC) where I am at “high risk of developing cardiomyopathy and also at highrisk of sudden cardiac death.”

May, 2011 – I undergo a heart ablation at the HeartInstitute and my electrical problems in the right ventricle are resolved.

June, 2011 – Heart rhythm problems begin again and a heartholter indicates my heart is beating irregularly again 10% of the time. I amasked to return in 3 months for another holter monitor test.

Ahnung trying out a tank top
for her to wear post
lumpectomy

July, 2011 – I discover a lump in my dog (and soul mate)Ahnung’s 4^th left mammary gland. She undergoes a lumpectomy and isdiagnosed with breast cancer. We see an oncologist who is hopeful that thecancer was removed and like myself, she is now on the close surveillance pathas we monitor the return of tumors.

August, 2011 - A new lump is discovered in my left breast. I undergo another lumpectomy(my third in two years). Pathology report indicates the cells in my breast arecontinuing to go awry … more atypical ductal hyperplasia, bordering on DCIS. Icontinue to opt for close surveillance.

October, 2011 – Heart holter test indicates the electricalproblems in my heart are minimal (~ 1%). My cardiologist is cautiouslyoptimistic that we have taken care of the electrical problems but says it’sunusual for them to return like they did in June and then go away with noexplanation. He asks me to return in 6 months for another holter (to monitorthe electrical problems in my heart) and an echocardiogram to monitor thestructural functioning of my heart.

Legacy

It’s December now and I’m not officially due to see mycardiologist till April, 2012. I’m due in February for another breast MRI. I have continued to monitor Ahnung’smammary glands and so far am beyond grateful there have been no more growths. Ipray she remains cancer free. Meanwhile I am grateful to be feeling good amajority of the time. I have decided to live my life as fully as I can. I havedecided to not focus on my health and to do what makes me feel alive, which isanimal rescue work. The truth is, we all don’t know how much longer we have onthis precious planet. I am confronted withwords one dreads coming from a doctor’s mouth .. that yes, I have a serious heart condition where there is athickening of the walls in my heart muscles. It will cause my heart to getweaker and eventually fail. So when I asked him after my heart ablation how long I had, he said “itcould be a year, two years, maybe even 10!” Well, as far as I’m concerned that’s a pretty wide range andto dwell on it will do me absolutely no good. In fact, I consider it a gift .... It’s amazing how one’sperspective can shift when you are faced with a serious health condition. I would be lying if I said I neverthought about it especially when my heart starts doing cart wheels and I cantell there’s something just not right. But most of the time, it passes.

So this year, when my health took anose dive I did what most people would say is insane, I plunged even deeperinto my volunteer world of animal rescue, and began fostering homelessdogs/puppies and in September, 2011 adopted one of my foster puppies, Legacy.This sweet little bundle of joy has been such a gift and one of the bestmedicines for both Ahnung and me. Ironically, I walk a parallel path withAhnung as we are monitored closely …. Many would say that with all this uncertaintyin our lives, and not so pleasant health diagnoses, that we should be waitingfor the other shoe to drop. I don’t know … instead, I’d like to think that we were givena gift of facing the fragileness of our own mortality, and through that gift,were given the gift of choosing to live, and I mean, really, truly LIVE. As Julian Boyd (a basketball player with the same heart condition I have) said in an interview with New York Times ("Star's Heart Condition keeps L.I.U on Edge") ... "“Every game, I play like it’s my last because I’ve been shown that itreally could be,” he said. “If anything were to happen ever again, I want to beable to say the last game I played was with everything." So my motto, is to live each day as if it were my last!

My wish for 2012 is that I will continue to fill my heartwith gratitude and that I will embrace any and all uncertainty that comes myway with childlike curiosity and wonder. And may I continue to fill my heart with the innocence and playfulness Iam blessed to witness every day in a house full of puppies … both those whohave permanent residence here (Ahnung, Missy, Mister, Legacy) and those wholand temporarily (Yukon, Willy, Rez, Lenny, ZuZu and others) until they findtheir own forever homes.

And I close my 2011 blog with one of my favorite poems by Mary Oliver .... because when it's over, I don't want to end up simply having visited this world ... I want to say that I have lived my life with passion, purpose, and playfulness.

************************************************

When Death Comes

By Mary Oliver

When death comes

like the hungry bear in autumn;

when death comes and takes all the bright coins from hispurse

to buy me, and snaps his purse shut;

when death comes

like the measle pox;

when death comes

like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity,wondering:

what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything

as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,

and I look upon time as no more than an idea,

and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common

as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth

tending as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something

precious to the earth.

When it’s over, I want to say: all my life

I was a bride married to amazement.

I was a bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it’s over, I don’t want to wonder

if I have made of my life something particular, and real.

I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened

or full of argument.

I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.

And Legacy reminds both Ahnung and myself of the importance of play ... I just love how he has brought out the puppy in Ahnung!! :)

Prayers for Jovie and Buddy

2011-12-14T21:00:00.000-06:00

Jovie in ICU being treated
for parvo.

I'm at a loss for words. Tonight, one puppy, Jovie, fights for her life. The other puppy, Buddy, is getting better but not out of the woods.

On Monday, the rescue I volunteer and foster with, Act V Rescue & Rehabilitation, took in two very sick parvo puppies into their foster program. Not many rescues or shelters would do that. They did that with another gorgeous black puppy several months ago. For that sweet girl, she turned the corner pretty quickly and was adopted out within a month. I was hoping the same would be true for Jovie and Buddy. Unfortunately, Jovie and Buddy were taken to ICU after Dr. Vicki of Act V Rescue checked them out at intake. Jovie was extremely dehydrated and both had significant intestinal disease. They had a plasma transfusion this morning and later this afternoon a fellow rescue dog, Ricky, a parvo survivor, donated blood for Jovie and Buddy. Thank you Ricky! The hope is that the antibodies in his blood will help the pups. They were given the serum treatment tonight.

Buddy in ICU. He is doing
better today.

I went to see the pups tonight. They were in isolation and because of the risk of spreading parvo, or having them catch anything, I could only watch them through the glass, unable to hold or touch them, at least not physically. I watched the tech in scrubs cleaning out their kennels; i watched her give them love, take their temperature, pet them .... so I could take some photos of Buddy, she let Buddy out of his kennel. He went up to her and rubbed his body against her. Jovie, on the other hand, is extremely sick and was completely listless and lethargic .. she no longer has any white blood cells; Buddy has minimal white blood cells. Losing white blood cells is apparently not a good sign. I looked at Jovie in her kennel and it broke my heart. There's this incredible sense of helplessness yet at the same time my heart is full of gratitude for what Dr. Vicki and Act V Rescue have and continue to do. Dr. Vicki is doing everything she possibly can to save Jovie and Buddy's lives. I also know that there's a good possibility that Jovie (and even Buddy) may not make it. We hold out a LOT of hope for Buddy as he appears to be getting stronger. For Jovie, there's a flicker of hope in my heart for that sweet girl. We aren't giving up yet ... I ask for your prayers for Jovie and Buddy. Please send them loving, healing thoughts.

Dear Jovie and Buddy, know that you are not alone ... know that you are loved and that you are surrounded by light, love and healing energy and prayers. We will continue to hold you in our hearts.

Please also consider making a donation to help Act V Rescue in covering the high costs of treating parvo puppies. Any amount you are able to donate would be greatly appreciated. You can make a donation online.

Ricky, a parvo survivor donates blood
for Jovie and Buddy.
Thank you Ricky!

Working Together ...

2011-11-29T10:50:00.001-06:00

Edwina, scared and timid, arrives
on transport and is greeted by
AHS staff, Melissa, with love,
patience and reassurance.

I continue to hold in my heart a dream and a vision that forthose of us passionate about animal rescue and welfare, that we can worktogether in a positive, collaborative and respectful manner … that we cansuspend judgment of others, seeking first to understand than to be understood;that when challenged with viewpoints, values and perspectives different fromour own that we rise above walls of divisiveness that can rise fast andfuriously, and make a conscious choice to reach out in kindness, compassion andunderstanding; that we reach, yes, for the stars, for the highest possiblelayer of what brings all of us together, focusing on the good and on thepotential of what can emerge from collaborating, and the sharing of resourcesand ideas; that we set aside our own egos, our own agendas and we work togetherfor a higher common good; that we all collectively take ownership of causesnear and dear to our heart, and eliminate any Us versus Them thinking; that wehonor, respect and value the diversity we all bring which in the endstrengthens us as a community.

Over the years as I have immersed myself deeper into theworld of animal rescue and animal welfare, I have learned how little I know;how there is no black and white – just a lot of grey; how it’s far moreimportant for me to ask questions in my quest to deepen my understanding than tospout off what I believe are my truths and answers to problems; and howimportant it is for us to work together.

I have chosen my cause to focus on right now to be animal welfare ... regardless of what your cause or passion is there will be someone or some group that will have a different view point, different approach and a different set of values. We must reach beyond our differences and find common ground, and in the process we must reach out our hands, open our hearts, and learn to listen, truly listen, without judgment. We must, in my humble opinion, be more like the beloved animals we work tirelessly to rescue and re-home. Ironically, in our efforts to help these beautiful beings, in the end, we are the ones receiving even greater gifts.

"I do not go to a meeting merely to give my own ideas.If that were all, I might write my fellow members a letter. But neither do I gosimply to learn other people's ideas. If that were all, I might ask each towrite me a letter. I go to a meeting in order that all together we may create agroup idea, an idea which will be better than all of our ideas added together.For this group idea will not be produced by any process of addition, but by theinterpenetration of us all." - Mary Parker Follett.

"Years ago I recognized my kinship with all living things,and I made up my mind that I was not one bit better than the meanest on theearth. I said then and I say now, that while there is a lower class, I am init; while there is a criminal element, I am of it; while there is a soul inprison, I am not free." ~ EugeneV. Debs

Leech Lake Legacy is just one example of a collaborative effort of individuals, rescues, shelters, and businesses coming together to help the animals of Leech Lake Reservation.

Leech Lake Legacy

2011-11-26T13:39:00.001-06:00

Legacy in his pirate outfit for Halloween

I continue to celebrate a lot of firsts with my sweet Legacy. He is now 4 months old. When he first arrived he was a mere 4.5 lbs. A few days ago at the vet he weighed in at 21.4 lbs! He touched my heart when he first arrived, and he continues to wiggle deeper into my heart as I witness how he brings out the puppy in Ahnung, how he has been an incredible foster brother (we are now fostering a 10 week old puppy, Zuzu, who was a rescue from Red Lake Reservation, and is up for adoption through Act V Rescue), and how incredibly wise and smart he is for a 4 month old puppy. There was this knowing I felt in my gut when I first met Ahnung. Even though I hadn't planned on adding a third dog to my family, it happened and it was the best decision I ever made. Not long ago, I went through a similar process where my head kept telling me adopting Legacy and having 4 dogs was too much, yet something in my gut and heart kept telling me that Legacy was meant to be a part of my life, and that he was going to play a critical role in my volunteer work in the animal rescue/welfare world. I am now able to see how he is going to follow in Ahnung's footsteps ... these two rez dogs are bonded and are an incredible role models for dogs/puppies needing rescue, re-homing and ambassadors for the importance of spaying/neutering.

I don't think it was a 'coincidence' that Legacy was the puppy (out of the 13 that temporarily found their way to my home at the end of August) who ended being a permanent member of my family. The collaborative effort to help the animals up at Leech Lake Reservation began in early May, and the effort at that time was named Leech Lake Legacy. Suffice to say, that my sweet Legacy is destined to be the spokesdog for the efforts to help his friends up at the Reservation. As of 11/20 we have been able to give 165 dogs/cats a second chance .... I created a video to celebrate this incredible collaborative effort ...

To learn more about our efforts, check out the Leech Lake Legacy blog at http://leechlakelegacy.blogspot.com/.

Legacy's first snow ...
loving it!!!

Legacy 'working' with our foster pup Zuzu --
teaching her how to play! He loves his job :)

Legacy

2011-10-06T12:33:00.001-05:00

Legacy - Sept 2, 2011

I had planned to write a blog post yesterday about the latest addition to my family ... a sweet pup named Legacy who arrived on August 27, 2011 with 12 other puppies from Leech Lake Indian Reservation. I posted a video of the 13 puppies who took temporary residence in my home for 5 days until I was able to bring 10 of them to the Animal Humane Society (through MnPAW, Minnesota Partnership for Animal Welfare) so that they could be placed up for adoption. The day before I was scheduled to bring all the pups to AHS there was one pup I was particularly concerned about -- the pup we had named Legacy. Since early May we have been transporting dogs from the impound up at Leech Lake Reservation. Over 140 dogs have been rescued and given a second chance since then ... proof to me of how much can be done when we work together. Almost every week a transport arrives in the cities .... in an effort to stay organized and to keep track of the dogs arriving and when they arrived, my friend Jenny decided early in the process that all unnamed dogs in a given transport would be named with the same letter. The first transport began with the letter "A". By August 27th, we were at the "L" transport. At the beginning of this effort, in conversations with Karen Good (founder of Red Lake Rosie's Rescue) we were discussing what we could name our efforts to rescue the dogs of Leech Lake. Somehow, through our conversations, the name Leech Lake Legacy emerged. She said that at some point we could come up with a really cool logo using 3 L's and the word "Legacy" ... yes, it has so much meaning. In early July the name Leech Lake Legacy was born along with the Leech Lake Legacy blog. We knew that at some point we would hit the "L" transports and there would be one dog who would get the special name of Legacy. We didn't realize that the "L" transport was going to be one of our larger transports (you can read more about it here) ... on that transport we brought back 18 dogs/puppies and 1 kitten. 13 weak, frail puppies arrived in the "L" transport. The day after the puppies arrived at my house and we were feeding them I noticed one puppy (a cute shepherd mix) shaking, wobbling and walking around like a drunk. He would fall over and would shake uncontrollably then look at me with glazed eyes. He stumbled around but yet, there was something special about this little boy. I feared he had some neurological disorder or that he had epilepsy. As we were photographing each puppy and putting tags on them to identify them we began the naming process. There would only be one dog who would get the name 'Legacy' ... a name that represents the heart of our efforts to save the dogs up at the Reservation. I picked up the shaking, wobbly shepherd mix puppy and said, "I want this boy to be named Legacy."

Missy and Legacy

Along with two other very weak and frail puppies (Lenny and Lazarus), I ended up keeping Legacy and fostering all 3 puppies through Act V Rescue. I had every intention of just fostering him and adopting him out. Both Lenny and Lazarus have new adoptive homes. Lazarus went to his new home this past Monday and Lenny goes to his new home on Saturday. Legacy ... well, this boy kept wiggling his way into my heart. Dr. Vicki of Act V Rescue checked him out and treated him for coccidia -- turns out his symptoms were from either the coccidia or malnutrition/hypoglycemia or both. She immediately started treating him for coccidia and his wobbling and shaking began to dissipate.

The city I live in allows me to have a maximum of 4 animals. I wasn't planning on keeping Legacy. As the weeks went on I noticed how even my dog Missy (who is not good with other dogs) was welcoming him into the pack. And most amazing of all was witnessing my dog Ahnung (who is often regal and does not play with other dogs) respond to Legacy. Legacy began following her around the back yard and then one morning, as I looked out the window, I saw Legacy initiate play with a play bow and Ahnung break into puppy behavior playing like a puppy with Legacy. They played for an incredibly long time. Not only was Legacy learning from my dogs (Mister, Missy and Ahnung) ... they too were learning from him and I was being reminded, again, of the importance of play.

Ahnung and Legacy

Yesterday I was going to blog about Legacy, about how the word Legacy has been coming up in my vocabulary in the past few months (even before adopting Legacy). I've had health issues and I continue to have health issues. I simply have chosen not to focus on them and to live my life. I've shared with friends how I know that my heart problems are very real ... a couple months ago (just 3 weeks after my heart procedure) I learn that my heart is having electrical problems again. I also live with a diagnosis of a rare heart disease (left ventricular non compaction) which will eventually lead to weakening of my heart and eventual heart failure. Doctors can't tell me how much time ... it could be a year or two, or it could be 10 years or more. Yesterday, I got a call from Abbott Northwestern ... a reminder to pre-register for my appointment on Monday to go in to get my heart holter monitor which I will have to wear for 48 hours. I'll know soon if the electrical problems in my heart have gotten worse and if I'll have to have another heart procedure. My health issues haven't gone away .... i have told friends that i'm just grateful to be feeling good most of the time. The reality of knowing that my heart could give out any time can be a scary thought ... for some reason it isn't for me. If anything, it has taught me to really appreciate every day that I have and to recognize that our time on earth is limited. It has given me the opportunity to realize what matters to me, to follow my heart and to give all of me to what I believe in ... and for me, it's about making a difference for abandoned, abused and neglected animals. With health issues, I have found myself asking the questions ... If my time is limited, how can I make a difference on a larger scale? What's the legacy I want to leave behind? I have given my heart and soul to helping animals over the past years (in return, they have given me so much more) ... I believe at the core of everyone is good; I also believe we must think creatively, ask more questions of ourselves, challenge ourselves, and be willing to really listen to each other .... I watch my pup Legacy explore with curiosity his surroundings. I watch him learn different lessons from my dogs Mister, Missy and Ahnung. I watch him test the boundaries. In many ways he's fearless ... I love that. Somehow, I don't think it was a coincidence that he ended up with that name .... that of all the dogs we have rescued off of Leech Lake Reservation that he was the one who got the special name of Legacy, and for me, represents our efforts up at Leech Lake Reservation ... he is, for me ... Leech Lake Legacy.

Yesterday was a sad day for the world as we lost a true visionary, Steve Jobs. He shared the following in his commencement speech in 2005 to Stanford MBA graduates ... a beautiful reminder to follow our heart .....

"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."

We all have something that matters to us ... when we face death it changes our perspective. To me, it's been a gift to have these health issues because it has been a reminder to me, to live my life as fully as I can. And like Steve Jobs shared with graduates in his speech, "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am going to do today?" I am blessed to be working for the most incredible company (for my paying job) and I am blessed to be able to contribute and volunteer my time to the cause of animal welfare/rescue on such a large scale in the community of Minnesota. If today were the last day of my life, I am doing exactly what I want to be doing. I wish the same for everyone.

And just as my pups Missy, Mister, Ahnung and Legacy learn from each other, may I continue to learn from them ... and may I continue to be reminded of the importance of play as I watch Legacy bring out the puppy in Ahnung ...

and may we all follow our hearts, and live our legacies.

Ruby .... post surgery

2011-10-01T20:00:00.000-05:00

Ruby ... she thinks she looks pretty
hot in that pink cast!!

We got an update on Ruby (formerly Smiley) .... my most recent post shared more about Ruby's story (http://mariloureflects.blogspot.com/2011/09/update-on-smiley-now-ruby.html) ... Ruby is just one of many stories of how, by working together, we can save more animals. Thank you Barb (Ruby's new mom) for loving this girl so much ... thank you Vicki for stopping that rainy day to save this girl's life :)

"Ruby is doing good. She has to be leashed for a couple of weeks when she goes outside so she doesn't run. Her weight was 83 lbs which was good because when I got her she weighed 97 lbs. She seems very happy and I am sure that she will do well once the bone heals. They had to put a plate and screws in her leg. She is such a good girl and we just love her."

Ruby with her new sibling
showing off her new fashionable cast!

Update on Smiley (now Ruby)

2011-09-21T14:38:00.001-05:00

On June 6, 2011 I posted the following on my blog "A Reason to Smile Today" .... [and at the bottom of this post is an update on Ruby. She's heading into surgery tomorrow so please say a prayer for this sweet girl]

It never ceases to amaze me how we can help more animals if we can simply work together ....
-----------------------------

Two days before I went to the hospital for my heart procedure I received the following email on my Pet Haven email account from some kind stranger who stopped to help a dog: "Hi Marilou, a couple folks suggested I contact you about a dog I found May 12. This was during one of our big rainstorms. My husband and I were heading up to Cambridge when we saw a dog laying in the dirt on the side of the road about 1/2 mile from my house. I made my husband stop to see if she was OK. She got to her feet but wasn't bearing weight on one of her hind feet. She was soaked. She wouldn't fit in our truck and my husband had an appt. to keep, so he continued on his way and left me standing there in the rain with the dog. The poor thing followed me home in the pouring rain, on a sore foot, 1/2 mile with just encouragement - no leash, no collar. Once I got her home I dried her off as well as possible with some towels, gave her a bowl of water and a piece of cheese. Then I called my vet.

Because she may have been injured my vet (East Central Veterinary in Cambridge) said I could bring her in and they'd scan her for ID and hold her a little while. I opened the door on my van and she calmly climbed in and settled right down on the back bench seat. This girl is incredibly mellow and cooperative. When I got to the vet's I just looped a leash around her neck and she quietly followed me into the clinic and laid down on their floor.

The dog is large and very overweight. A cute little face on a polish sausage shaped body. Maybe 70 pounds or so. She's mostly black with a white muzzle and some white socks. She has a long tail and short drop ears. Maybe a lab mix with border collie or springer spaniel? Maybe some shepherd? You know, your average country mixed dog. She has sad soulful brown eyes and seems very trusting. The whole long walk to my home she kept turning to watch every car that went by, as if looking for her owner.

East Central Veterinary Clinic kept her for a day, then turned her over to Marlene at Animal Control in Isanti. The dog's legal holding period is up but Marlene is going to keep her 2 or 3 days longer as the phone number listed in the local newspaper's Found ad was incorrect.

The same day I found the dog I put flyers about her in about 50 mailboxes within a 2 mile area where I found her. I put ads for her online at Animal Humane Society's lost and found page, Petfinder.com's classifieds (lost and found) and LostandPound.com's site. The Isanti County News and Cambridge Star ran Found ads for her. I notified all the veterinary clinics in the area. We also put 4 signs up along the routes leading to were I found her. If the owner is looking for this dog, I can't imagine how they would have missed all of my notices. I have been checking lost dog ads and haven't seen anything close to her description listed.

I talked with Marlene at Animal Control yesterday. Nobody has contacted her claiming to be this dog's owner. Marlene said she is doing well and is very sweet. She smiles and gives kisses. Marlene also thought the dog was very sweet and named her 'Smiley' because she smiles and gives kisses.

I put an email out regarding this dog's plight to some folks I know involved in various types of animal welfare/rescue and 2 of them referred me to you.

If this poor dog needs help, can you help her? Can you take her in? Thank you for your time and attention."

How could I not respond to this heartfelt email by a woman advocating for this sweet dog. I emailed "V" back. Unfortunately at Pet Haven (the rescue I am involved in) we had no open fosters. Fortunately Pet Haven is a part of an animal welfare coalition in Minnesota (www.mnpaw.org) and I spoke with my contact at the Animal Humane Society (AHS) and we agreed to bring this dog into AHS through the MnPAW partnership ... essentially it means that if AHS is unable to place the dog up for adoption that the rescues/shelters within the coalition will be contacted to work on placing the dog.

I emailed "V" that I was heading into the hospital for a heart procedure and wasn't sure how reachable I would be. I found myself thinking about this sweet dog the day after my procedure while I was in my hospital room and communicating with "V" and the animal control officer. I couldn't bear the thought of such a sweet girl being euthanized.

So after multiple emails and phone conversations we made arrangements to meet at the Golden Valley Animal Humane Society over lunch today. When I walked into the AHS intake area lobby I was greeted by Smiley and a huge warm hug from "V". I remember the phone conversation I had with "V" where I told her that I would find a way to help Smiley through the network of rescues and shelters that are a part of the coalition. She cried ... tears of joy. Smiley was blessed to have crossed "V"s path that rainy day and to have a beautiful spirit advocate for her. Smiley truly has the most soulful eyes. I got down to the ground and hugged her. She immediately wanted to show me that she knows how to shake ... and yes, she can shake with both her right front paw and her left front paw. As we are discussing the logistics of a dog coming into AHS through the coalition (MnPAW - Minnesota Partnership for Animal Welfare) a woman in the lobby stops by ... she falls instantly in love with Smiley. She had just dropped a bird off that was injured to AHS. She's been thinking about adopting another dog and Smiley reminds her of a dog she once had. Five minutes later she's calling her husband who says it's up to her if she wants to adopt Smiley. She returns to the lobby and tells us she is adopting Smiley.

Twenty minutes after I arrive at AHS and being greeted by this dog who was once on death row at an Isanti animal control simply due to space issues (saved first by "V", then by a kind-hearted animal control officer who simply could not euthanize a sweet, loving girl and kept her beyond the legal holding period) .... I am now saying goodbye to Smiley, giving her a hug and watching her walk out the door with her new mom. She's off to live on 20 acres with two other siblings.

"V" had left AHS before the adoption was final. I called her to let her know that the woman she met wanted to take Smiley home. She shared the following email with me ... I am reminded today of why I am so involved in animal rescue and in the power of working together ...

"OMG!!!!!!! This really went through?! My little Smiley has a home already! I am so happy and so excited and so relieved. You might remember I told you it just gets me how the life and future of these animals hangs by little threads of fate they have no control over. Well, today those threads of fate worked to Smiley's advantage. Who would have thought the person that really wanted her would walk through AHS doors while we were all there? What a great story.

I really liked "B". She seems like a person that takes pet ownership seriously and forever.

My sister and I both felt she could offer Smiley a terrific home. Thank you so much Marilou for making this happen. And thank you so much for letting me be a part of the happy ending.

I am touched by the animals we rescue (who in turn rescue us) ... and I am also touched by the incredible human beings like "V" who cross my path and who advocate on behalf of these beloved beings.

Thank you Smiley for giving me a reason to smile today.

Update from Smiley's new mom: "She is doing really good. She follows me everywhere. The other dogs are fine with her. She is so sweet. I even brought her in the shower and bathed her. I feel very lucky to have her."

---------------------------------------------
UPDATE:

Well today, September 21st, I got the following update on Smiley (who is now Ruby) ... Vicki who originally rescued Ruby has been keeping in contact with Barb (Ruby's new mom). A couple weeks ago Ruby's mom Barb took her to see the vet for limp that was getting worse ... turns out that Ruby has a torn ACL. This is a pricey surgery but Ruby lucked out that warm summer day in June when she spent 20 minutes in the intake area of the Animal Humane Society ... in those 20 minutes, fate made it possible for her to meet up with her new adoptive mom Barb who was there to drop off a couple orphaned birds. Ruby is having surgery tomorrow and healing and recovery will take about 2 months ... please say a prayer for Ruby. Ruby looks so great ... she also looks like she's lost a lot of that excess weight ... thank you Barb, Vicki, MnPAW and AHS for helping connect loving caring people so that the Smileys (now Ruby) can have the second chance they so deserve for a life filled with love, joy and pampering.

Ruby (formerly Smiley)
September, 2011 ... what a pretty girl :)

Thoughtfully rehoming the most unwanted and neglected animals ...

2011-09-14T21:35:00.000-05:00

Yoda ... arriving from Red Lake reservation
on July 31, 2011.
A severe case of mange, dehydration,
coccidia, giardia and an eye infection

A couple weeks ago I started fostering with Act V Rescue, an organization dedicated to taking in and re-homing the most unwanted and neglected animals. Act V is unique in that they specifically take in the animals with serious injuries and/or illnesses.

Karen Good of Red Lake Rosie's Rescue says "In 2010 Act V took in 36 dogs and 2 cats from Red Lake Rosie's Rescue of which all had severe orthopedic and other major medical needs including broken legs, heartworm, parvo, intestinal blockage, neonatal pups, puppy strangles, and others suffering advanced malnutrition and digestive problems.

We relied on Act V and contacted them whenever sick and injured animals arrive at the shelter. They always responded ad never turned us down."

I transported Yoda (photo above) on July 31st when he first arrived into the cities to Dr. Vicki's clinic. My heart broke to see this fragile puppy ... his skin warm to the touch. I had never seen a dog with such a severe case of mange yet I could feel the life and spirit inside of him. I was grateful he was going to Act V Rescue and would be under the care of Dr. Vicki and placed into a loving foster home.

Yoda giving Smiley a kiss ...
Smiley was taken into Pet Haven's foster program
and has since been adopted.

Yoda ... six weeks later!!
A very handsome boy!!

And then today, I had the opportunity to experience first hand again how incredible Act V Rescue is and how dedicated and committed they are to truly helping the most unwanted and neglected animals. An older dog, Orson, was scheduled to arrive on transport today from up north. In our efforts to help the dogs up at Leech Lake Reservation we have also been helping dogs from the Bemidji impound. Volunteer extraordinaire Nancy O has been, and continues to be, an advocate for the dogs that land in the Bemidji impound and pulls them out before they are euthanized. She reached out to Jenny Fitzer to see if Orson could be taken in by MnPAW and into the Animal Humane Society. Jenny arranges for Orson to be taken in by AHS. Meanwhile, she forwards to me an email sent by Nancy O:

Orson arrives at the clinic

"Hope you received the photo of Orson that Tom sent from his phone. Orson is a cutie, an older dog, and he needs a lot of work. He is loaded with mats and needs a good grooming and bath. But it looks like he needs a lot of dental care as well and am hoping that this is something MnPAW/AHS offers. He really does have a nice sweet personality, but is plenty stinky and a lot of that is coming from his mouth. Poor guy ... I am betting he cannot eat hard morsels of food and am betting that is all that was served in the impound. Perhaps he will need some tooth extractions and then soft foods the remainder of his days. For all the goodness his former family did not offer him, I hope he find it at AHS and can get the medical attention he needs. Even the officer at the impound is pulling for Orson. I held him when we picked him up as he was shaking so much, and now he is riding with Nancy B on her front seat. Please keep me posted on the assessment results from AHS. And thank you for accepting him into the program too."

Orson ... filled with mats and maggots

After receiving this email from my friend Jenny I forwarded it to the founders of Act V Rescue. At the end of the day Dr. Vicki sends me an email and tells me to have Jenny swing by her clinic so she can take a look at Orson so she can check him out. I meet Jenny and Orson at Dr. Vicki's clinic. The horrible condition of this sweet boy is beyond words. He was shaking and shivering. His teeth were all rotted and packed with tartar. Most of them will probably have to be extracted. His body was filled with mats and as Dr. Vicki started to shave him we discovered his poor, weak body was infested with maggots. As he was shaved down we saw a swarm of maggots nesting in Orson's body. Maggots were wiggling out of his fur and dropping onto the table. There was an odor and stench from maggots and other critters that had found a home in his poor body that was beyond anything I had ever experienced. All the while Orson is being so patient and gentle and quietly crying. As Dr. Vicki and her staff work to make Orson better and to remove the mats and the maggots, I am rubbing his head and trying to comfort him. Jenny is holding the trash bag to collect the squirming maggots.

Just some of what is shaved off of poor Orson

It was Orson's lucky day today! He ended up at Dr. Vicki's clinic and into the arms of Act V Rescue ... over and over I have heard stories and witnessed how they take in the most beaten down animal, both physically and emotionally. They did it when they took in the 3 puppies i'm fostering (Legacy, Lenny and Lazarus) .... they did it again today with Orson. There wasn't even a question in Dr. Vicki's mind of whether or not she was going to help Orson ... this was one of the worse cases she has seen and in the true spirit of Act V Rescue & Rehabilitation, they took this poor boy into their foster program. Dr. Vicki doesn't have a foster lined up for the sweet boy right now so after his bath he got to ride in style next to Dr. Vicki and will spend some time at her home till a foster home opens up.

Orson after his bath ...

Thank you Act V Rescue for your selfless acts and for all you truly do for the most unwanted and neglected animals.

Because Act V works with animals in the most desperate situations, they are always in need of money to provide medication, surgery, medical care and/or rehabilitation. All of their funding comes from donations and 100% of each dollar goes to caring for animals. If you would like to make a tax-deductible donation to Act V Rescue please click on 'Donate to caring for animals' on their website, www.actvrescue.org.

For more photos of Orson click here.

13 Puppies Rescued ...

2011-09-09T11:38:00.000-05:00

The tiniest of the 13 puppies that arrived:
Lenny, Lazarus, Lancelot, Lulu and Loretta

On Saturday August 27th I went up to Leech Lake reservation (3 hours north of the Twin Cities) to help with a transport ... a group of volunteers are working with the Minnesota Partnership for Animal Welfare coalition (MnPAW, www.mnpaw.org) to help rescue dogs from the reservation. On this particular transport 13 tiny, vulnerable puppies came down with us. Because they had just been vaccinated the prior Thursday they needed to be observed and monitored for a week prior to being taken into the Animal Humane Society where they would be checked out, vetted, and placed up for adoption. All 13 landed in my home. Yes, 13 adorable puppies. Quite a few were sick and extremely weak. A few were so young they were still trying to nurse ... they were aching for their mama. The 6 days they spent at my house was an experience I wasn't quite prepared for ... but it's amazing how we find it in ourselves to step up to the occasion. With my friend Jenny we did what needed to be done to care for these puppies. A couple we had to bottle feed. Then.... there was the poop, the diarrhea, the precautions taken in case they have parvo ... the lovely de-worming experience :) Legacy was one who caught my eye early on. He was shaky and wobbly. On a couple occasions he would shake and fall over. I feared he had some neurological issues. Lenny, Lancelot and Lazarus (3 from the smallest litter of black and white puppies) were extremely tiny, young and weak (1.6 lbs upon arrival). There were mornings where Lazarus and/or Lenny would simply stand over the food bowl, motionless and hang their heads.

Legacy - thriving!!
No more shaking or wobbling!

I feared we couldn't save them all. But we kept on going day and after day while balancing all of life's other responsibilities the best that we could ... Thursday morning 10 were transported to the Animal Humane Society where they were then placed into foster homes where they will stay until they are old enough and healthy enough to be spay/neutered and placed up for adoption. I kept 3 back (Legacy, Lenny and Lazarus) because they were the ones I worried most about. I took a bunch of photos and threw them into a video .... all are thriving now and on the road to recovery. For a few days we thought we would lose Lazarus. He had to be tube fed and given fluids. Thanks to Dr. Vicki of ActV Rescue for nursing this little guy back to health.

If you would like to meet Lenny, Lazarus and Legacy they will be at the Eden Prairie PetsMart tomorrow, Saturday, 9/10 from 11 am till around 5 pm. We are accepting applications for them but they will not be placed into an adoptive home till early October.

and here's a video of them playing in their 'bin' :)

Jake ... a happy ending and a new beginning

2011-08-26T20:43:00.000-05:00

One week ago today I went through quite the emotional roller coaster. I did everything I could to prepare myself for another heart break, another dog we were unable to save .... yes, I know we can't save them all and I remember how my heart broke the day I was with Pepper as she was euthanized, and that Friday morning on July 1st when I held Cass in my arms as he crossed over the bridge. Something in my gut though felt like it was the right decision ... Jake is a 1 year old lab/shepherd mix who was also rescued from Leech Lake reservation ... for Jake, my gut just screamed, it's not his time! To read his story check out the Pet Haven blog:
http://pethavendogs.blogspot.com/2011/08/working-together-to-save-another-dogs.html

Suffice to say ... Jake's story has a happy ending. Many thanks to a new doggie daycare partner, Lucky Dog Pet Lodge, we were able to give Jake yet another chance. This boy will soon be up for adoption through Pet Haven Inc of Minnesota. This boy has touched my heart and my soul and he has clearly demonstrated to me what is possible when a community comes together .. he represents how powerful and healing animals can be and how they can bring connect humans together. Tomorrow I head back up to Leech Lake reservation to transport dogs back to the cities to give them a second chance .... 13 beagle/basset puppies will take temporary residence in my home till next Thursday when I will then take them to the Animal Humane Society as a part of the animal welfare coalition, Minnesota Partnership for Animal Welfare, www.MnPAW.org, where they will be vetted, spayed/neutered and placed up for adoption. Our efforts to save the dogs up at Leech Lake reservation has been an incredibly successful collaborative effort and one that I am truly proud to be a part of .... To learn more about these efforts check out the Leech Lake Legacy blog: http://leechlakelegacy.blogspot.com/

I have been visiting Jake just about every day at Lucky Dog Pet Lodge and taking him on outings. He is the perfect boy in the car and when we go and hang out wherever ... including listening to jazz music in downtown Minneapolis over the lunch hour. He now has two more foster buddies who will be taking turns in hanging out with him and taking him for outings. The staff at Lucky Dog have been pampering him and loving him. We are so fortunate and blessed to have this partnership and that they have been so willing to give Jake all the personal attention and love he so deserves ...

The best birthday gift of all ...

2011-08-07T08:09:00.000-05:00

Ahnung, Missy and Mister

Exactly one month ago (9:35 PM on Thursday, July 7th) I discovered a lump next to one of Ahnung's mammary glands. The next two weeks were one of the hardest in my life as I waited, worried and then learned my precious girl had breast cancer. A month ago I didn't even know if I would have my sweet girl with me to celebrate my birthday. After meeting with the vet oncologist I was given the greatest gift of all ... the gift of hope and more time with Ahnung. I do my best to celebrate and appreciate every day I have on earth ... my own health issues have taught me not to take life for granted. Ahnung's recent cancer scare has taught me to be even more grateful when I wake up in the mornings and look over to see three big black beautiful dogs, sleeping soundly. I hear Ahnung snoring and breathing in a deep, meditative and calming way; i see Mister sprawled on his back; and i see Missy looking earnestly at me with those deep, soulful eyes.

There is no gift greater for me than the gift of my three big black beautiful babies ....

Thank you Ahnung, Missy and Mister for being in my life .... and for all the life lessons you teach me on a daily basis. You are, and will continue to be, my best medicine ....

Breaking in the new couch
when we moved into our new home in January

Ahnung ... my co-pilot

When will the fog lift?

2011-08-04T09:37:00.000-05:00

Photo from Flickr

My surgeon called me yesterday afternoon with the results of the pathology report. "Good news and not so good news," she says. The good news, she says, is that the report is benign and that there is no mention this time of DCIS or borderline DCIS. The not so good news is that we have more of the atypia, the pre cancer cells. She says we have multiple foci and this time we are moving outward in your breast. Previous surgeries removed lumps/tissue from central in my left breast. This past surgery removed a lump/tissue at the outer edges of your breast. My surgeon says these abnormal cells are near the margins ... they are close to the lateral and superior edges ... "we can only infer that it is everywhere." I ask her, "since i've been dealing with atypical ductal hyperplasia now for a little over two years and they haven't become cancer is it possible that my body is just predisposed to having these abnormal cells and they won't become cancer?" She responds, "No, you can't take comfort in that." She goes on to say that there is something going on with the cells in my body, that I am extremely high risk and that she strongly recommends I meet with an oncologist. There are no guarantees, she says. She mentions tamoxifen and bilateral mastectomy. My surgeon, my internal medicine doctor and even the team of doctors I've worked with at Mayo tell me there are no guarantees and that my case is a unique case. There are changes going on in my body at a cellular level; they can't monitor these changes with any of the screening mechanisms available (mammogram, ultrasound, even MRI). Interestingly, it's been me telling my doctors that I feel a lump in my breast; it feels different and it needs to come out. Previously, my doctors challenged me saying that it felt like normal fibrous tissue. They now tell me, 'you know your body best.'

All we know is that the cells in my breast are changing .. they are in essence taking on a life of their own; they are spreading. They don't know how far it's spread. The reality is that there are a lot of unknowns. So this foggy health journey continues. I meet with an oncologist on August 16th. My surgeon, whom I love, knows me so well. She recommends an oncologist whose philosophy is: "I strive to provide hope, encouragement and holistic care to both my patients and their families. I am a strong believer in the power of the human spirit and positive thinking...." I am looking forward to meeting my oncologist and to exploring what my options are. I hold in my heart what my primary doctor told me just recently, "You are being diligent about your health. Some times life just isn't fair and there are a lot of things we don't understand in medicine. There are no guarantees. Whatever path you choose is the right path."

To be honest, my bigger issue right now is my heart. I've been having trouble sleeping again. It's not as bad as it used to be, but i'm waking up at night again from the palpitations and my heart feeling like it's going to pop out of my chest. I'm going to give it a little more time as I remain hopeful that it will pass. If it doesn't then I know I need to call my cardiologist. I know that everything in life happens for a reason. There are moments, however, when I just want a little relief, some clarity .... I would be grateful for a week, or two, of not having to deal with health issues or worry about my dog Ahnung. Well ... hope ... sometimes that's all we have to hold onto. I sometimes just have to remind myself when the fog lifts there's an amazing sun that will be shining brightly ...

Post surgery - resting when i'd rather be running like Mister!

2011-08-02T08:54:00.000-05:00

Mister at the dog park!!

So yesterday I went in for surgery ... my fourth left breast excisional biopsy in the past 2+ years: the first was in 5/2009, then 12/2009, then 10/2010 and finally 8/1/2011. The first 3 surgeries involved removing a lump in the same area of my left breast. A couple weeks ago I noticed a new lump had formed in my left breast again ... I noticed it shortly after discovering my dog Ahnung's lump in her fourth left mammary gland (which was then diagnosed as breast cancer) ... guess we are more connected than I ever imagined.

The surgery yesterday was to remove this new lump. All went well yesterday and my surgeon said that I could possibly have the results of the pathology report on Wednesday, but definitely by the end of the week. She asked me to followup with her office Wednesday afternoon if I haven't heard from her and she will track it down. She's off on Friday but said she would have them fax it to her house on Friday if it's not ready till then so that I don't have to go through the weekend wondering ... i just love my surgeon. I also recently discovered her shared passion for dogs!! Right before surgery she's showing photos of her new puppy ... and her face is beaming .. a new mom. She said she took 2 weeks off from work when she first got him ... she called it 'maternity leave." :)

For some reason I wasn't nervous at all about this surgery ... maybe because I've gone through this particular surgery so many times and have never had a problem with it. Somehow, the surgical biopsies are much easier for me and I don't have complications like I did with the 2 MRI-guided breast biopsies and my recent heart ablation. So far (knock on wood!) no bleeding episodes. I was given pain pills to take if I needed it but like previous surgeries have never had to take any. Last night what woke me up in the middle of the night wasn't the pain from the surgery but my heart doing the crazy flip-flopping again. I'm just hoping and praying that my electrical heart problems aren't going to become symptomatic already ... i know it's bound to happen but would like for at least a few more weeks of restful sleep!!

So this weekend was a busy weekend in animal rescue as I 'prepared' (actually, distracted myself) for surgery. In early May I became involved in helping the dogs up at Leech Lake reservation (an American Indian reservation about 3 hours north of the Twin Cities). To learn more about efforts to help a very dire situation check out the Leech Lake Legacy blog. On Saturday, I had the good fortune of meeting dogs transported down from Leech Lake reservation to be given a second chance ... a chance all of them so deserve. One of the pups, Hickory, reminded me of my boy Mister when he was a pup.... he was also just as vocal as Mister (who at 4 years of age is still pretty vocal). My boy Mister is such a wonderful reminder to me on a daily basis to live life to the fullest extent and to play hard!!!

Hickory

For photos of all the pups that arrived on Saturday from Leech Lake reservation check out my flickr site.

Then on Sunday I got to welcome Smiley and Brill who came in from Red Lake reservation (about 6 hours north of here). My sweet girl Ahnung was originally rescued by Karen Good up at Red Lake reservation. I had the good fortune of meeting Smiley when I went up to Red Lake in early July and just fell in love with this boy. Ahnung and Smiley got along really well ... there's a very sweet and gentle soul in Smiley. Smiley is being taken into Pet Haven's foster program so i will be able to keep very close tabs on this sweet boy!!! :) Smiley arrived with the pup Brill who has a serious case of mange (probably among other things). He was rescued at a dump in Ponemah (a part of Red Lake reservation) and he has ended up at another rescue, Act V Rescue and Rehabilitation, where my good friend Vicki is a vet and is a part of the rescue. Brill is in wonderful hands now ....

Brill giving Smiley
a kiss :)

Smiley -- will be up for adoption
soon through Pet Haven

Brill ... will be up for adoption through
Act V Rescue & Rehab.

For more photos of Smiley and Brill check out my flickr site.

So these beautiful, innocent creatures who need for us humans to be a voice and an advocate for them will continue to keep my heart full and my mind busy over the next few days .... which in turn, will hopefully take my mind off of waiting for that call back from my surgeon with the pathology report results. I will keep everyone posted ... I have received so much love, support and prayers with all of my health issues (and Ahnung's) ... for that I am extremely grateful.

Have a beautiful Tuesday!!

with love and gratitude,

Marilou, Ahnung, Missy, Mister ... and all the animals rescued and needing rescue up at Leech Lake Reservation, Red Lake reservation, Pet Haven Inc of Minnesota, People for Pets and all other rescues and shelters ....

Needing my dog's perspective!

2011-07-25T14:10:00.001-05:00

So over lunch today I went to see my cardiologist/electrophysiologist. It was essentially a post-ablation appointment and a check up to see how i'm doing after my heart procedure on 5/31. At the end of the June they did a 48 hour holter monitor on me to see if I was having any irregular heart beats. I certainly wasn't feeling any heart palpitations and have been grateful for being able to sleep through the night ... if anything, I've been sleeping too much now as I find myself feeling fatigued by early evening. Well ... my cardiologist today tells me that the irregular heart beats are back! It's not as bad as it used to be and i'm also not having symptoms, which I guess is a good thing. Before my ablation I had 53,000 irregular heart beats in a 48 hour period. At the end of June the 48 hour holter shows that I have 16,000 irregular heart beats. Unfortunately they aren't able to tell at this point if it's coming from the same area (the right ventricle) or a new area (potentially the left ventricle). He wants me back in 3 months ... I'm scheduled to get another 48 hour holter done on October 10th. The not so good news is that if it gets worse (which is highly likely) it will lead to sleep problems again but hopefully it's the right ventricle again and not the left ventricle. If it's the left ventricle where the electrical problems are coming it could be an even more serious problem, and could be related to the heart disease I have of left ventricular non compaction. I guess for now, I'm just grateful that I can sleep and I don't feel the symptoms yet of my heart flip flopping.

My cardiologist gave me clearance for surgery next Monday. I go in for a lumpectomy. There's a fairly substantial sized lump in a new area of my left breast. My surgeon told me last Wednesday that it needs to be removed and sent to pathology.

Meanwhile the followup pathology report came back for my dog ahnung regarding her breast cancer. I spoke to Ahnung's oncologist and he says it would be reasonable to simply monitor her closely. The pathology report says the margins from the excision were anywhere from 3 mm to 8 mm (not ideal according to the oncologist but acceptable) and the cancer was graded based on two different scales ... one indicates it's a low grade (grade I) cancer, the other indicates it's a moderate grade cancer (grade II) ... "60% of dogs with grade I disease had local recurrence or metastasis within two years of initial excision." He recommends having her checked by a vet every 6 - 8 weeks for the next year to closely monitor another tumor/mass growing in one of her mammary glands. My sweet girl is amazing though ... she had this huge incision on her belly with staples in her for almost 2 weeks and it didn't even phase her. One would never even know that she has cancer ... she's a survivor and has the ability to defy all odds. I watch her live and cherish each moment.

As I sat in my cardiologist's office today and he tells me that i'm once again having irregular heart beats I feel this heaviness come over me. There's a part of me that's tired of all these health challenges. For the past two years it seems like it's been one thing after another with no reprieve. I go in on Monday for a lumpectomy and will then have a week of having to wait anxiously for the results of the pathology report. And now only 2 months after my heart procedure it appears the electrical problems in my heart are back again and there's a good chance I will have to go through another heart procedure. Part of me wishes I could trade my body in for a newer model :)

But then I remember how two weeks ago I was consumed with worry over my sweet Ahnung ... I received the greatest gift of a cancer diagnosis with her that at least gives me hope and gives me more time with her. She's not stressing ... if only I could be more like her :)

If only I could live and experience life through the eyes and spirit of my north star, Ahnung :)

The greatest gift!

2011-07-20T09:03:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I feel like I was given the greatest gift of all ... the gift of more time with my sweet girl Ahnung. For the past week I have struggled with uncertainty and the unknown ... not knowing how much time I had left with Ahnung, how aggressive the cancer was, and if the oncologist was going to tell me that I didn't have much time left with my girl. It's hard when fear consumes you and old memories and hurts resurface .... painful memories of losing my dog Shen in September 2006 to spleen cancer where she died one day after her diagnosis, and then in July, 2007 losing my other dog Shadow to an aggressive intestinal cancer. When I heard the words aggressive in conjunction with breast cancer I immediately went to that dark place in my memory bank ... and then came denial and tears .... and throughout this week I watched my girl Ahnung living in the moment. How I wish I could be more like my dogs in how they approach life and living. I found strength and hope again as I leaned on a community for support and prayers, and I spent time with Ahnung and also Missy and Mister.

Ahnung on her way to
see the oncologist

Yesterday I took Ahnung to meet with a vet oncologist. What an incredibly kind, knowledgeable and compassionate doctor. He reviewed the x-rays and the pathology report and he checked Ahnung out. He provided words of comfort as he said there were a lot of positive things in her favor: a) the mass was discovered very early and was immediately removed ... the pathologist feels like the excision was complete; b) there are no visible signs of any cancer in her lungs from the x-rays taken; c) the cancer has not spread to the vascular system; d) her lymph nodes feel good. He has requested for additional analysis to be done by the pathologist as he wants to know what the margins are and also the grade of the cancer. If the margins are greater than 5 mm (ideally he would like it to be at least 7 or 8 mm) and the grade is low then he says we don't need to do anything. He would want us to see a vet every 3 months for the next year to get her checked so that the vet can closely monitor to see if she is developing any new tumors in any of her other mammary glands. If the margins are < 5 mm or the cancer grade is moderate or high he recommends surgery to remove more of the tissue and to actually go into the muscle. Depending on the results he may also recommend radiation. He seemed optimistic, however, that there is a good chance that the cancer was removed with the lumpectomy. She is of course at high risk of developing another tumor and I would need to watch her closely. Acting quickly is critical. I'm so grateful that I was able to notice the tumor and that my friend Vicki was able to see her the very next day (Friday) and get her in for surgery on Monday. As quickly as the mass was growing waiting a week could've made a huge difference on the outcome and the prognosis.

Yesterday I feel like I was given the most incredible gift .... it reminds me of the photo I took in my front yard in the dead of winter (the photo at the top).... there is life, there is hope ... even in the dead of winter. I also believe in the power of prayer. I am blessed to have so many friends ... and Ahnung is blessed to have so many friends and fans. I can't thank you all enough for your words of encouragement through this very trying time. [Ahnung would love it if you would like to follow her on facebook: www.facebook.com/AhnungNorthStar]. So in a couple days we should hear from the pathologist and will know what the next steps are for Ahnung ... whatever we need to do I am okay with it because we have a fighting chance. Ahnung is a survivor and I am grateful beyond words that I (along with many others!) will continue to be blessed with her presence, her wisdom, and her loving, peaceful way.

This afternoon, it's my turn to get the lump in my breast checked out. I meet with my surgeon later this afternoon. I'm not so sure what's in store for me with regards to my own health, but in the scheme of things, as long as I have my nung-nung girl I feel like I can handle anything!!!

Hope

2011-07-16T17:44:00.001-05:00

This week has certainly been one filled with not so good news ... I always do my best to see the positive in things and do believe that yes, everything happens for a reason. I admit, when I learned that Ahnung has an aggressive form of breast cancer I felt somewhat lost. I felt like I simply couldn't take another blow ... for a couple years now, it has felt like I have been knocked down over and over again, but I remember my swimming coach telling me as a kid ... "it's not about winning ... it's not about the gold ... it's about getting back up, over and over again..." And so that's what I've done. I've had my own personal health issues to contend with over the past couple of years. Somehow, i'm able to take those in stride. The kicker and the real test is this latest blow ... aggressive cancer to my precious Ahnung. And along with this latest diagnosis, I find myself swarming again in a pool of uncertainty with a new palpable mass appearing in my left breast. But my health issues .... I can deal with those. Ahnung's health issues and the possibility that I may not have her around much longer ... now that's an entirely different story!

I am going to remain hopeful though about my sweet girl. Both Vicki (my friend and vet who did the surgery) and Ahnung's vet at Lake Harriet Veterinary have said that I caught this very early and acted very quickly. Most aren't this lucky. For many dogs (and cats) the cancer has metastasized before it is even caught. Vicki and Dr. Jim Sinning both have told me that I caught it extremely early. I check my girl every day. She loves to lay on her back and get her belly rubbed so not a day goes by where she doesn't get belly rubs from me. So last Thursday night at 9:30 pm when she chose to roll over on her back instead of joining her siblings Missy and Mister in going potty in the backyard I did the customary, get down on my knees next to her, whisper sweet things in her ears and rub her belly :) I noticed a couple large connected lumps. I immediately called my friend Vicki who texted me back and told me to bring her into her clinic the next day. By Monday she was in surgery and having the entire mass removed. The fact that her chest x-rays are clear indicates that there is no obvious spread of cancer to her lungs yet. The vets also can't feel her lymph nodes ... another positive sign that the cancer hasn't spread. The pathology report says that they see no indication of the cancer spreading into her blood system. So yes, there are a lot of unknowns yet .... we are walking on uncertain ground but we will make it through no matter what and we will hold onto hope .... we meet with the oncologist on Tuesday morning, and at that time we will be given more information ... with the support of friends we will walk through this together, and it will be okay. I have to believe that. When I look into the eyes of Ahnung who is so full of life, the only thing I can do is smile. She is pure love ... pure, unconditional love and she is a gift to me and to so many.

I want to thank all my friends for your continued support and words of encouragement and your prayers. It means so much to us.

Ahnung is having the time of her life right now ... she's getting lots of rest, lots of love, lots of treats and lots of snuggle time with mom, mom's friends and her siblings. Please continue to keep my sweet girl in your thoughts and prayers.

"Hope: Better to light the candle than to curse the darkness"

Ahnung hanging out at the entrance
of the Richfield Petco during the
Pet Haven dog adoption event!

Beyond Connected

2011-07-15T16:17:00.001-05:00

I got the call this morning ... the pathology report came in from Ahnung's lumpectomy. She has an aggressive form of breast cancer. Her left fourth mammary glad had a 2.0 cm nodule ... "atypia is moderate to marked. The mitotic rate is high, ranging up to seven per high power field. Infiltrative growth is noted. Extensive zones of tumor necrosis are present ..." I am referred to an oncologist. An appointment is scheduled for Tuesday morning.

Early this morning before I got the call from my vet I noticed a new lump in my left breast. I've been periodically checking since last Thursday when I noticed Ahnung's lumps ... we are so connected that I thought maybe she was trying to tell me something. I haven't noticed anything. This morning was different. I have a sizeable palpable mass in my left breast ... this time a different area than my previous 3 lumps and what was excised. This lump is closer to my lymph nodes. This growth came out of the blue like Ahnung's growth came out of the blue. I called my breast doctor/surgeon up and she wants me to see her next week. I have an appt Wednesday afternoon. I am bonded with my girl Ahnung in an incredibly deep and powerful way. I have always known that. I knew that from the moment I laid eyes on her in October, 2008 up at Red Lake reservation. Physically beaten and battered, she looked worn down. Yet her eyes spoke to me in a way I can't put words to. Abandoned with a litter of 8 puppies, heartworm disease, lymes, no front teeth (grinding her teeth down to the gums in search of food), and a gun shot wound (her recent chest x-rays confirm the bullet remains in one of her nipples) .... this girl is no stranger to a tough life. She's a survivor. And while she was under for her lumpectomy on Monday the vet took x-rays of her teeth. On top of all she's been through, she has 8 lower incisors and a lower canine that have been ground down below her gum line with roots exposed that should be extracted ... more evidence of the rough life she had surviving up north as a rez dog. Yet one would never know what she's been through. There's an incredibly deep connection that binds us ... she is my north star; she is the bright spot in my heart when I have had to go through very difficult times.

My heart aches and hurts from this latest news. I can deal with whatever health issues get tossed my way. When it comes to Ahnung though ... I am just not ready. I am not prepared. Please dear Lord ... not Ahnung, please don't take her away from me just yet. Her work isn't done yet. Not only has she touched my heart and soul so deeply ... she has touched the hearts and souls of so many.

I ask you to hold Ahnung in your thoughts and prayers. I ask you to give your furry friend an extra hug and a kiss. I ask you to cherish every moment you have with your loved ones because, the truth is, we don't know how long we have ....

In the midst of pain, I look at Ahnung, and Missy and Mister and I know that no matter what happens, no matter how many pieces my heart will shatter into when I have to say goodbye, no matter what the doctors tell me in the coming days/weeks ... what can never be taken away from me is the undying and unwaivering love I have for Ahnung ... and I will never regret loving with all my heart and giving ... and no matter what I will hold onto hope because that's all I have ...

Sweet girl, you are loved. You are cherished, and you are surrounded by love, not only from me but from an entire community of friends who love you.

and sweet girl ... this weekend I promise to take you back for more doggie burgers .... maybe even this time we'll let you have some ice cream for dessert!!! We are going to be attached at the hip again this weekend ... and your siblings Missy and Mister love you too :)

Ahnung's pre-surgery outing!

2011-07-11T10:20:00.000-05:00

Ahnung tries on a thundershirt
at Lulu & Luigi

So this weekend my sweet girl and I had a LOT of time together. We were attached at the hip and spent the entire weekend together.

On Saturday, she 'crashed' a Pet Haven new volunteer orientation and was quite the popular girl getting lots of belly rubs and capturing even more hearts ... then we went off to meet my friend Vicki to help her as her rescue (Act V Rescue & Rehabilitation) brought in Athena, a sweet black lab mix with an eye injury from Red Lake Rosie's Rescue [Ahnung got to meet Athena over the fourth of July weekend when she had the chance to visit Red Lake rez .... i'll post a video from photos I took from that weekend at the bottom of this post].

On Sunday, we went to the Richfield Petco to get her a comfy cone ... she said she did NOT want one of those hard plastic cones after surgery. Actually, she wasn't too thrilled with the comfy cone either!! We then went off to Lulu & Luigi to see about getting her a shirt that she could wear after surgery so that she can't lick her incision from her lumpectomy. She tried a thundershirt on and a blue tank top. She LOVED her shirts!! She also got a white tank top from her Uncle Dave ... she's going to be a styling girl after her surgery!!

Ahnung in our white tank top~!

Next stop on Sunday ... Galaxie Drive-in to get Ahnung a doggie burger!!! I promised Ahnung that I would bring her back from another doggie burger at least 10 more times so she needs to get healthy .... I pray the pathology report that will come in on Friday will tell me that it is either benign or if it is cancer as my vet suspects, that it is at least treatable.

Ahnung is truly a special being ... a wise spirit and an amazing soul. There is a powerful bond between us. I worry that she is taking on my health issues and I want her to know that she doesn't need to do that ... I am the one that's supposed to protect her and take care of her. I am waiting at home now for the call to tell me that everything went well and to let me know when I can pick up my sweet girl.

Please continue to keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

Sporting her blue tank top
at Lulu & Luigi

Give me that burger!!!

Enjoying the Galaxie Drive-In

Beautiful flowers for Ahnung
from my friend Carol ...
she specifically picked orange and green
which are Ahnung's colors :)

Riding out in the car with me
over the weekend ...
and both of us loving it!

and here's the video with photos taken up at Red Lake Rosie's Rescue where Ahnung was first rescued. Ahnung had a chance to go up to Red Lake reservation where she was first rescued in October, 2008 to visit her rescuer Karen Good. She stepped right back into rez dog mode and had the greatest time. I am so grateful she had a chance to go back and visit Karen and her roots ....

Prayers for my sweet girl Ahnung

2011-07-09T07:43:00.000-05:00

On Thursday night at around 9:30 pm as I was rubbing Ahnung's belly (as I often do) I noticed a couple lumps next to one of her nipples. One was the size of a thumbnail ... the other was attached to it and was about the size of my pinky nail. I panicked. I left a message for my friend Vicki (the vet) who texted me back shortly and said to bring her in to the clinic on Friday. I tried to tell myself it was some fatty lump ... it was nothing to worry about. I wanted Vicki to tell me on the phone it's nothing to worry about but I knew she couldn't tell me anything without seeing the lump.

Ahnung and I went to the clinic yesterday afternoon. It's not a fatty lump. Vicki suspects it's breast cancer. Ahnung had 3 chest x-rays done. If there were nodules and cancer had already spread to her lungs Vicki told me she would just send me to see the oncologist. There was no point in aspirating the lump ... she said it needed to be removed - a lumpectomy needed to be done. A lumpectomy is scheduled for early Monday morning. I was scheduled to go out of town for business on Sunday. I ask Vicki if this is something I should get done immediately. She says that if it were her dog she would. The lump is apparently growing fast. I cancel my business trip. This morning I checked her lumps ... they have grown since yesterday. I am terrified of how quickly these lumps are growing.

I can't imagine my life without my sweet girl. She has been my north star and she has helped me through some of my darkest moments. We are so connected. When looking at Ahnung's x-rays Vicki asks me if Ahnung has had heart worm. I say yes. From the shape of Ahnung's heart she is able to tell that. Ahnung and I share heart issues. Her x-rays also show the bullet from the gun shot wound she had when she was first rescued. I have been battling pre-cancer of my left breast. And now Ahnung has two lumps, also in her left breast. I have been telling her to stop trying to take away my health issues. I can deal with whatever health issues life tosses my way ... but dear God, please don't take my sweet girl away from me just yet. Please give me a little more time with her. Please let her continue to shine brightly in the lives of so many others.

I ask for your prayers and your positive and healing thoughts. For those of you that haven't seen the video of her story that I made shortly after I adopted her in in early 2009, check out her very first blog entry at http://ahnung-northstar.blogspot.com/2009/03/ahnung-shine-on.html.

Participating in the 2009 5K9
run/walk with my girl!

In memory of Cass

2011-07-04T18:38:00.002-05:00

My sweet angel boy Cass peacefully crossed over rainbow bridge at around noon on Friday, July 1st. It breaks my heart to think of all this boy endured during his 6-7 years of life. Despite the neglect he was subjected to, his undying loyalty resulted in Cass escaping from the impound and walking 7 miles from the animal impound to his so-called home ... only to be returned back to the impound ... unwanted, unloved and discarded like some disposable item.

Sweet boy ... you had a home with me and you will forever have a place in my heart. I'm sorry it could only be for 24 hours. I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm sorry I couldn't give you more. I'm sorry for the cancer.

What I'm not sorry for is the love and joy you brought to me in the last 24 hours; for touching a very deep part of my heart; for reminding me to keep fighting for and being a voice for abandoned, abused and neglected animals; for giving me the gift of sharing your final hours and cracking my heart so wide open; for letting me love you and hold you and whisper in your ears how much I love you.

And I want to thank so many others who played a large role in making it possible for me to give Cass the gift of the last 24 hours in my home and experiencing life as he deserves to be loved ...

Diane D for watching my dog Missy
Laura L for watching my dog Mister
For the kindness of the staff at the Animal Humane Society (members of the coalition, Minnesota Partnership for Animal Welfare) and for giving him a place to go and a possible second chance. Thank you for your compassion ... for releasing Cass to me so that he could spend his final hours being loved.
To my vet Lake Harriet Veterinary for allowing me to bring Cass in on Friday to be euthanized in the most loving environment possible. He loved all the treats and the hugs and kisses. Thank you also for your support and for shedding tears alongside of me.
To Bubbly Paws for the complimentary bath for Cass (and to my friend Paula V for joining me to help me bathe Cass)
To my tree trimmer John Stamos, who came to give me an estimate for tree trimming on the one day that Cass was with me. My estimate came to $350 and after John heard Cass' story, he said to me, please just write a check for $350 to help the dogs up at Leech Lake reservation. Thank you John for your kindness and your donation.
To all my friends who have sent me kind words of support and encouragement through this difficult time.
To Ahnung, for welcoming Cass into our home.
To Lisa M, John V., Nancy O, Tom O, Rory, Melissa, and Carolyn for all you do for the dogs up at Leech Lake reservation
To my friend Vicki for not only your friendship but your veterinary advice and input that is invaluable to me.
And to Jenny F for allowing me to walk by your side as we work to make it a better world for the dogs up at Leech Lake reservation.
Last by not least, to all my animal rescue/welfare friends who continue to do this work despite the heart break we must endure. May we continue to have the strength, the courage and resilience to be their advocate and their voice.

I made a video as a tribute to my sweet angel Cass. Your presence in my home for your last 24 hours will forever be etched in my heart. Your spirit fills my home and my heart. You are loved. You matter. And your legacy will continue.

To learn more about Leech Lake Reservation and how these efforts all began, check out the Leech Lake Legacy blog.

Cass ... final morning

2011-07-01T09:05:00.001-05:00

I'm sitting at my kitchen table this morning with Cass sleeping by my feet. This gentle boy has captured my heart. In many ways, he reminds me of Ahnung ... a male version of a calm, gentle, wise spirit. In the less than 24 hours he has been with me I have witnessed his spirit coming to life. When we first left AHS yesterday I couldn't get a tail wag out of the boy. Now his tail wags exuberantly and he's even broken into a trot when I call for him. When we were hanging outside Panera Bread in St. Louis Park after giving him a bath at Bubbly Paws (thanks Bubbly Paws for the complimentary bath!) his eyes would follow me around. When I went inside Panera Bread and had him wait for me outside with my friend Paula he wouldn't take his eyes off of me. He looked at me with his soulful eyes .... eyes that penetrate the very core of me. Is it even possible that he got attached to me so quickly? I guess so ... because I know he wiggled his way into my heart almost instantaneously.

There are many stories I have to share about this sweet boy in the short time he has been with me. But words right now are lost somewhere ... maybe in the overhanging cloud of tears. We were up quite a few times last night. In the middle of the night he woke me up ... we went outside and together (with Ahnung) we looked up into the night skies at the bright stars. My heart ached for Pepper ... another bright star in the night skies. My heart is breaking right now knowing that in less than 3 hours sweet Cass will be joining Pepper. He has been following me around everywhere I go. He loves to lay in the grass .... while we are hanging out together in the back yard or even in my writing studio he won't lay down and sleep. His eyes follow me around like a hawk. I can go inside the house for 15 minutes and he will sit patiently outside with his eyes on the backdoor waiting for me to come back out. Only when he knows that I am not going to leave him will he finally lay his head down and close his eyes ... or if he feels some part of my body touching his body.

I will forever be grateful for the gift of love that Cass has given to me. His spirit will continue to live on in me. Later today Jenny and I are heading up to Red Lake reservation (where my sweet girl Ahnung was originally rescued from). The night skies are gorgeous up there ... I will look up into the skies tonight and know that Pepper's bright star will be joined by a new bright star ... the star of Cass.

Cass ... know that you are loved ... know that you are cherished ... know that your spirit will continue to live on forever in my heart and in my unwaivering commitment to continue the work to help your friends up at Leech Lake reservation.

For more photos click here.

Hanging out at Panera Bread
in St. Louis Park

He finds a cool spot
in the backyard

Cooling off in the air-conditioned
writing studio with Ahnung

Restful sleep ...
only when he knows I'm by his side

Soulful eyes

Pepper - a bright new star in tonight's skies

2011-06-30T18:47:00.002-05:00

With Pepper on her last walk today

Jenny and I arrive at the Animal Humane Society (AHS) a little before noon today. We asked for Lynn the vet tech supervisor who was expecting us. When she came to greet us at the intake area I asked her, “Can we take Pepper for a walk outside?” “Of course” she replied. She took us to the back. As we are walking back there she tells us that several of the staff have fallen in love with Pepper. Pepper isn’t in her kennel. Lynn suspects one of the staff has taken her for a walk or is giving her another bath. We find Pepper in the ‘tub room’ with one of the AHS staff. Her eyes are watery. She hands us a pink collar and tell us that she has made Pepper a name tag. She goes back to Pepper’s kennel to get the tag … on the front it reads ‘Pepper’ and on the back it reads ‘I am loved’. As we get ready to go outside to take Pepper for her last walk the woman breaks down and cries. Lynn, the vet tech supervisor gives her a hug. Tears are streaming down both Jenny’s cheeks and mine. Lynn turns around and there are tears in her eyes too. It’s amazing, yet not surprising to me … how a living being like Pepper can touch the hearts and souls of so many and bring us to together.

Jenny and I go outside with Pepper for her last walk. More tears fall as we take turns getting down to Pepper’s level, hugging her, kissing her, and telling her how much we love her. We spend about 10 minutes outside as Pepper enjoys the sunshine and sniffing all the bushes.

The moment Pepper crosses over rainbow bridge she is surrounded by loving hands and hearts. There isn’t a dry eye in the room. The kindness and compassion shown by the staff at AHS was simply amazing … multiple times we heard ‘I am so sorry for your loss.” I think in my heart Pepper’s passing symbolizes something much greater than any individual loss. She represents to me the importance of the work we collectively are doing in animal rescue. Pepper will continue to live on in my heart, in Jenny’s heart and in the hearts of so many others.

AHS is graciously doing a private cremation for Pepper and will call me when I can pick up her ashes. I have her pink collar and her brass name tag that reads ‘Pepper’ on the front …. ‘I am loved’ on the back. Yes, Pepper … you are loved; you are cherished; you will forever be remembered. I will be creating a memorial garden in my backyard … the ashes of Pepper and Cass will be sprinkled there along with the ashes of my beloved pets who have crossed over rainbow bridge … Splat, Shen and Shadow.

A friend and mentor and someone who taught me so much about animal rescue when I first got involved 5 years ago, sent me an email this morning that touched me … thank you Mary Ann for your compassion and wisdom over the years:

“It is hard to see those animals who have had such a tough life go but I believe that is why they come to us. Their memories are of the kindness and love of the moment, not of what they have not had. Most carry no grudges and we give them a gift that relieves all pain and suffering and sadness for them.

No fun - but a part of rescue that should be recognized as one of the most important things we do.

Most folks have no idea what rescue entails - not even the people in it. “

Jenny and I left AHS --- our hearts hurting and carrying Pepper's spirit with us. Together we realize the importance of continuing to work to save the dogs of Leech Lake reservation. We also left AHS today with Cass. The kennel was too small for him so he got to ride on top of Ahnung’s blanket and as a ‘free’ dog in the back of my Honda Element which he thoroughly enjoyed. He was a perfect boy. We stopped at Bubbly Paws, then hung outside Panera Bread in St. Louis Park for a little while …. We are now at home and he and Ahnung and sleeping soundly in my writing studio. He follows me around everywhere and he has wiggled his way deep into my heart. I know my heart will once again be ripped into a million pieces when I will have to hold this sweet boy in my arms tomorrow as he goes on to heaven. I know I will always have a piece of Cass in my heart. Maybe Cass will take a piece of me and my heart when he moves on tomorrow. For now, I cherish every moment I have with him.

Cass - hanging out in
St. Louis Park after a bath
at Bubbly Paws

Pepper - you are loved and will be forever remembered

2011-06-30T09:27:00.000-05:00

The time is approaching for me to be with Pepper ... to hold her paw as she crosses over rainbow bridge. Tears have started falling. Jenny and I went to see her (and Cass) yesterday ... to check on them and to give them some loving. As always, we end up getting more love back from these precious creatures than one can even imagine.

Yes, this is the hardest part of animal rescue; it is the part that makes me feel like my heart is being shredded into pieces ... truth is, I don't ever want it to be easy for me. Every animal deserves to be loved, to be treated kindly and to be remembered ...

Pepper, you are loved by so many. You have touched the hearts of so many, and you will forever be etched in my heart.

I found the following poem on the internet. Pepper will be a bright star in the summer night skies tonight ... and tomorrow she will be joined by another bright star when Cass joins her up in heaven.

I'm Still Here

Friend, please don't mourn for me

I'm still here, though you don't see.

I'm right by your side each night and day

and within your heart I long to stay.

My body is gone but I'm always near.

I'm everything you feel, see or hear.

My spirit is free, but I'll never depart

as long as you keep me alive in your heart.

I'll never wander out of your sight-

I'm the brightest star on a summer night.

I'll never be beyond your reach-

I'm the warm moist sand when you're at the beach.

I'm the colorful leaves when fall comes around

and the pure white snow that blankets the ground.

I'm the beautiful flowers of which you're so fond,

The clear cool water in a quiet pond.

I'm the first bright blossom you'll see in the spring,

The first warm raindrop that April will bring.

I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine,

and you'll see that the face in the moon is mine.

When you start thinking there's no one to love you,

you can talk to me through the Lord above you.

I'll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees,

and you'll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.

I'm the hot salty tears that flow when you weep

and the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep.

I'm the smile you see on a baby's face.

Just look for me, friend, I'm everyplace!

Shadow side of animal rescue

2011-06-29T09:08:00.004-05:00

Cass

About two months ago I received an email from Karen Good, founder of Red Lake Rosie's Rescue (where my sweet girl Ahnung was originally rescued from) ... it was a plea to her fellow animal rescuers in the community to help with a situation:

"Dear Friends: Do we have any ideas how to help the poor dogs out of Cass Lake- Leech Lake Reservation? (Karen then references the email she receives from a woman named Lisa). She (Lisa) has been trying to do this on her own for past 6 months and could use our help. Ideas?

Could any one volunteer from the Cass Lake area to clean the impound kennels and walk dogs?

Thank you all- I know how she feels- it is exactly how we felt here at Red Lake before we got all your help. We just have to help these Cass Lake dogs- I heard about them from other people, and their dire need right now.

Thank you for any ideas or help for them.

Sincerely, Karen, RLRR"

In Lisa's email to Karen she shares the following ".... They are so poor up there they don't have access to computers and such. I bring up food and bones when I come. Anything to help them. This place is so disgusting it's cold, dark and they sleep in their own feces. I think they get out of this small kennel maybe 10 min a day if lucky.... I would appreciate any direction or guidance you could offer me. I can't turn my back on what I see up there, but I can't do all this myself anymore. Karen you are very well known and respected by the rescue organization for all you do and have done. So I'm asking the best of the best for some advice."

A couple days later Karen sends out an email that a volunteer Jenny F has agreed to organize an effort to assess the situation up at Leech Lake reservation. I have always had the utmost respect for Karen Good and will forever be indebted to her for saving and bringing my sweet girl Ahnung to me. A plea from Karen is all I need to drop whatever I'm doing and to respond (Karen was the recipient of the Kare11 Volunteer award ... click here to watch a video of the incredible work she does, and to see Ahnung's TV debut!). Jenny and I begin communication about the dogs up at Leech Lake reservation and a new partnership is formed to help these dogs suffering horribly up at the reservation. The impound only has 10 small kennels. They have no access to a veterinarian. When the impound is full the dog who has been there the longest is shot. The current animal control officer up at the reservation is an amazing and compassionate person. He has done so much for the dogs in the short time that he has been there .. desperately reaching out to rescues and shelters in hopes of finding homes for these dogs. He does not want to have to shoot another dog. He has also drastically improved the living conditions of the dogs in the impound.

Boots who had a broken pelvic bone
He had surgery at AHS and is recovering
in a foster home for 8 weeks

As a board member of the animal welfare coalition Minnesota Partnership for Animal Welfare (MnPAW) I suggest to Jenny that we work with the coalition to help save as many dogs as possible. Foster-based rescues are very limited in the number of dogs they are able to take. We need to work with the Animal Humane Society (AHS) here in the cities (last year 36,000 animals passed through their shelter doors). They are one of the founding members of MnPAW and will be the shelter that can help the most. I arrange for a meeting for myself, Jenny, Lisa (the woman who originally sent the email to Karen G) and AHS (we meet with the Director of Animal Services, Kathie, who is both an animal rescue/welfare colleague and a friend ... and Jen F, the Community Relations Manager). Open, honest dialogue and discussions begin and two hours later a foundation is being built.

Since the original email that came out from Karen in late April, 34 dogs have been transported down from the reservation: 19 were placed with five different rescues (one rescue took in a pregnant St. Bernard who had 11 surviving puppies) and 15 were taken in by AHS/MnPAW. My friend Vicki who is with Act V Rescue & Rehabilitation took in two dogs (Boots and Buddy) with injuries. Buddy had a gun shot wound to his shoulder and Boots had been hit by a car. Vicki took him and saved this sweet 6 month old border collie mix from having his leg amputated. AHS took in another dog (also named Boots by the impound up at Leech Lake) with a broken pelvic bone. He had surgery and is now in foster care with AHS for 8 weeks and then will be placed up for adoption.

Pepper

On June 18th, Jenny and I and another volunteer (John) drove up to Leech Lake reservation to transport 12 dogs back to the cities: 9 went to AHS/MnPAW and 3 went to a rescue [click here for pictures from that trip]. Of the 9 dogs, six have already been vetted (including being spayed/neutered) and adopted; one is in their behavior modification program and just yesterday we were informed that two of them (Cass and Pepper) have some serious health issues. Pepper has arthritis, incontinence and most likely some metabolic disease; Cass has a large firm mass under the tongue between the mandible bones along with a smaller mass in the upper lip. I consulted with my friend Vicki (who is a vet) about both Cass and Pepper and also talked to my vet at Lake Harriet Veterinary. Letting them go would be the most humane thing to do. I knew that in my gut, but needed to also hear that from people I respect deeply and who are also vets. Even though my head knows it's the right thing to do, my heart still breaks. Pepper struggles to even get around. They are both around 6-7 years old. All of yesterday I was haunted by both Cass and Pepper. All I could see were their faces, their soulful eyes. My head knows that we can't save them all ... my heart still wishes we could.

Pepper will go on to rainbow bridge on Thursday. Both Jenny and I will be with him when the time arrives and we will hold his paw. And I have asked for his ashes as I would like to create a memorial garden/space in my backyard for the dogs who touch my heart and bless me with their soulful presence.

With Cass, I have made arrangements for him to come stay with me for 24 hours. I have friends who will take care of two of my dogs (Missy and Mister) so that I can bring Cass home with me on Thursday. I want for Cass to experience the comfort of a loving home before he crosses over rainbow bridge. He and Ahnung will get to lounge in my big backyard and just bask in the sun. Then on Friday I will bring Cass with me to my vet (Lake Harriet Vet) where I will hold him as he gently crosses over the bridge [thank you Lake Harriet Vet for donating your services and for your kindness and compassion]. I have cleared my calendar for Thursday and made arrangements for Missy and Mister to be with friends (thank you Laura and Diane) so that I can give Cass all the love and attention he deserves. He was in a home up at the reservation where he was not wanted. They dropped him off at the impound and somehow he got out and walked 7 miles to find his way back home, only to be taken back to the impound. These incredible spirits and souls love humans, despite the abuse and neglect they endure. If I can just give Cass a glimpse into a world where he matters and he knows that he is loved and cherished, then maybe, just maybe it will make it easier for me to let him go. Or maybe not.

Thank you Cass and Pepper for blessing me with gift of your soulful, pure, innocent presence. Thank you for touching my heart. On Friday night when I look up in the night skies, I will know that the skies are a little brighter because of two new stars. Just know that you are loved and you are special and you matter.

Unconditional Love ...

2011-06-21T11:21:00.000-05:00

I've been spending time reflecting on what love is. There are many forms of love. In the English language we have one word for love. It doesn't suffice for the many kinds of love that one experiences. I love how Ancient Greek has four words for love: eros (passionate/romantic love), philea (friendship love), storge (family love), agape (unconditional love).

My spirit and my soul are drawn to the word agape -- unconditional love. With some serious health challenges over the past couple years I have found myself reflecting a lot on life, on what my purpose on life is, what matters to me ... ironically, I believe that my health challenges are a blessing. Yes, i'm only 46 years old and on top of other health issues I have recently been told I have a rare heart disease; a degenerative heart disease with a not so good prognosis. My therapist asked me 'So how am I dealing with it? How am I feeling about it? Where am I carrying or holding all the emotions?' I strive, on a daily basis, to find and experience peace. For me peace arrives when I can not only love myself, but love others, without condition, without expectation, without strings attached. Truth is, I find peace when I surrender to God, to my Higher Power, to the Divine Being and energy.

I pray that I can simply live my life in loving service. I am grateful for the many loving souls who have crossed my path and who walk this journey with me as I listen to the calling in my heart to make this world a better place for the animals. I cherish the many forms of love that I receive.

The following poem speaks deeply to me and is such a beautiful reminder to me of how I want to live my life.

Love without condition

by Sandy Stevenson

I love you as you are, as you seek to find your own special way to relate to the world. I honour your choices to learn in the way you feel is right for you.

I know it is important that you are the person you want to be and not someone that I or others think you 'should' be. I realise that I cannot know what is best for you, although perhaps sometimes I think I do. I have not been where you have been, viewing life from the angle you have. I do not know what you have chosen to learn, how you have chosen to learn it, with whom or in what time period. I have not walked life looking through your eyes, so how can I know what you need.

I allow you to be in the world without a thought or word of judgement from me about the deeds you undertake. I see no error in the things you say and do. In this place where I am, I see that there are many ways to perceive and experience the different facets of our world. I allow without reservation the choices you make in each moment. I make no judgement of this, for if I would deny your right to your evolution, then I would deny that right for myself and all others.

To those who would choose a way I cannot walk, whilst I may not choose to add my power and my energy to this way, I will never deny you the gift of love that God has bestowed within me, for all creation. As I love you, so I shall be loved. As I sow, so shall I reap.

I allow you the universal right of free will to walk your own path, creating steps or to sit awhile if that is what is right for you. I will make no judgement that these steps are large or small, nor light or heavy or that they lead up or down, for this is just my viewpoint. I may see you do nothing and judge it to be unworthy and yet it may be that you bring great healing as you stand blessed by the Light of God. I cannot always see the higher picture of Divine order.

For it is the inalienable right of all life to choose their own evolution and with great love I acknowledge your right to determine your future. In humility I bow to the realisation that the way I see as best for me does not have to mean it is also right for you. I know that you are led as I am, following the inner excitement to know your own path.

I know that the many races, religions, customs, nationalities and beliefs within our world, bring us great richness and allow us the benefit and teachings of such diverseness. I know we each learn in our own unique way in order to bring that love and wisdom back to the whole. I know that if there were only one way to do something, there would need only be one person.

I will not only love you if you behave in a way I think you should or believe in those things I believe in. I understand you are truly my brother and my sister, though you may have been born in a different place and believe in another God than I.

The love I feel is for all of God's world. I know that every living thing is a part of God and I feel a love deep within for every person, animal, tree and flower, every bird, insect, river and ocean and for all the creatures in all the world.

I live my life in loving service, being the best me I can, becoming wiser in the perfection of Divine truth, becoming happier in the joy of

Unconditional Love

Karen Good of Red Lake Rosie's Rescue -
this woman exemplifies what unconditional love is
as she continues to work tirelessly for
abandoned, abused and neglected animals.

The Rose

2011-06-12T09:19:00.000-05:00

A facebook friend posted on their wall the photo on the left with a Rumi poem:

"I am your moon and your moonlight too

I am your flower garden and your water too.

I have come all this way eager for you,

without shoes or shawl.

I want you to laugh, to kill all your worries, to love you, to nourish you.

Oh sweet bitterness, I will soothe you and heal you.

I will bring you roses. I too have been covered with thorns."

Many of us have deep wounds from childhood. This poem and the image of a rose was exactly what I needed this morning. Like a rose I learned to protect myself from predators with thorns. This coming Thursday I start a writing class at The Loft Literary Center. It's a class titled Healing Memoir:

"Addiction. Loss. Poverty. Trauma. Dysfunctional family. Heartbreak. Illness. Hunger. Betrayal. Secrets. Chaos. As writers we are called to create art out of the human tragedy by sharing our story and divulging the gritty details in order to impart wisdom and insight, and to inspire others toward their own healing path (to benefit others). As writers of creative nonfiction, we meet the challenge of revealing our pain and suffering in writing and facing ourselves on the written page, while simultaneously crafting that pathos into a compelling story. How do we know where to take the story once the confession is on the page? In this class we’ll discuss what distinguishes the successful healing memoir from those often referred to as "self-indulgent” or exposé. We’ll explore the differences between personal (private) healing writing and public (publishable, sharable) writing. We’ll look at the role of voice in memoir, distinguishing the voice of experience from the voice of innocence and how each fits into the memoir as a whole...."

In my last class at The Loft I wrote a piece titled 'The Rosary' ... I reflect more on the class and how I chose the word rosary in a blog posting. The somewhat finished piece touches on many of what is listed in the description above: addiction, loss, trauma/sexual abuse, heartbreak, betrayal, secrets ..... In my piece I also reference the rose:

"The rose is a perennial flower shrub of the genus Rosa. The sharp objects along a rose stem are commonly called “thorns” – they are in fact, “prickles”, outgrowths of the epidermis. Thorns, on the other hand, are modified branches and deeply embedded in the woody structure of the plant. Both prickles and thorns protect the plant from predators. Historically, the rose has been a symbol of love, beauty, war and politics. According to fossil evidence they are 35 million years old. Red roses hold the ideal of love and also represent courage. Red and white roses combined are a symbol of love and unity.

My father’s life was like a garden of roses. The cross of the rosary broke free leaving only the beads in the palm of his hand. The beads, a garden of roses. His death brought pain to those left behind. Like a rose protecting itself from predators, those of us left behind grew more prickles, more sharp objects and ways to protect our bleeding heart.

Leo was the cross that fell to the floor. Masked behind the garment and a rosary, he was supposed to be my protector. Decades later, I saw him for what he was - Judas Iscariot. I wonder if my father did too, the day he dropped the cross."

Writing for me has become an integral part of my healing. It's amazing to me how at 46 years old I continue to discover the level of pain and hurt buried deep within me from childhood hurts and trauma. I write for myself and for my own healing ... I have also learned that as I share my pieces in my writing classes that I am not alone, and that in my willingness to share my journey and my healing process that I open up the door for others in their journey. And as others share their journey with me they help me in my healing process.

Excerpts from The Courage to Heal: A Tribute (by Ellen Bass):

"... Deciding to heal was a choice. The first one

we ever clearly made. We didn't decide.

The alternatives just became too painful.

We cried every day. We only cried once

but it went on for a year. We never cried ...

... Our hearts aching in our hollowed-out chests

and down our empty arms.

We thought we would not survive.

Like stroke patients, we had to learn everything anew.

We saw how it had seeped into the corners of our lives likes smoke.

Nothing was untainted, except the tough kernel we were born with,

the seed of who we could have been, could still be.

We reclaimed our bodies, inch by precious inch.

Feeling our own skin, astonished, like touching a newborn.

We tried our trust, like experimenting with drugs.

We went back to school. We took a vacation.

We spoke the truth. We did what we wanted.

We learned to sleep. We ate when we were hungry.

We woke in the morning, willing. We wanted

to be alive. We were hungry for all we'd missed.

We took it with eager, patient, or tentative hands

but we took it. We made a cup of tea

in our own kitchen and drank it at a blue table

on which we'd set a small bouquet of daffodils."

A reason to smile today ...

2011-06-06T16:17:00.002-05:00

Two days before I went to the hospital for my heart surgery I received the following email on my Pet Haven email account from some kind stranger who stopped to help a dog:

"Hi Marilou, a couple folks suggested I contact you about a dog I found May 12.

This was during one of our big rainstorms. My husband and I were heading up to Cambridge when we saw a dog laying in the dirt on the side of the road about 1/2 mile from my house. I made my husband stop to see if she was OK. She got to her feet but wasn't bearing weight on one of her hind feet. She was soaked. She wouldn't fit in our truck and my husband had an appt. to keep, so he continued on his way and left me standing there in the rain with the dog. The poor thing followed me home in the pouring rain, on a sore foot, 1/2 mile with just encouragement - no leash, no collar. Once I got her home I dried her off as well as possible with some towels, gave her a bowl of water and a piece of cheese. Then I called my vet.

I put an email out regarding this dog's plight to some folks I know involved in various types of animal welfare/rescue and 2 of them referred me to you.

If this poor dog needs help, can you help her? Can you take her in? Thank you for your time and attention."

I really liked "B". She seems like a person that takes pet ownership seriously and forever.

My sister and I both felt she could offer Smiley a terrific home. Thank you so much Marilou for making this happen. And thank you so much for letting me be a part of the happy ending.

I am touched by the animals we rescue (who in turn rescue us) ... and I am also touched by the incredible human beings like "V" who cross my path and who advocate on behalf of these beloved beings.

Thank you Smiley for giving me a reason to smile today.

Update from Smiley's new mom:
"She is doing really good. She follows me everywhere. The other dogs are fine with her. She is so sweet. I even brought her in the shower and bathed her. I feel very lucky to have her."

Happy to be Home!

2011-06-02T12:03:00.000-05:00

I am so happy to be home! I am also so grateful for the love and support I had as I went through my heart procedure this past Tuesday. What an incredible team of friends who helped me in caring for my 3 furkids and also supporting me while I was in the hospital ... my friend Vicki picked me up at 5:15 Tuesday morning to take me to the hospital and to be there while I was undergoing the procedure and to keep my family and friends up-to-date. The procedure itself only took 2 hours as my heart was cooperative and started firing off irregular heart beats right away, making it easy for them to locate the source of the problem. There was an area in the right ventricle of my heart that was causing the problem so my doctor burned that area in my heart. I remember getting loopy as they wheeled me out of the prep room and into surgery. I remember seeing all this fancy equipment and voices ... and then the lights went out for me. When I awoke I was being wheeled back to recovery. Everything seemed foggy to me. I remember someone saying that the procedure went well. It was hard for me to form sentences or to talk. I remember seeing my friend Vicki waiting for me in recovery as my bed was wheeled into the room. My chest was hurting and my heart felt like it was on fire. The nurse asked me how I was doing ... i mumbled that I felt a lot of pain in my chest. I remember seeing my doctor and he said to give me some pain meds for my heart which they injected into my IV. Shortly after they injected the meds the right side of my body started to tingle and get numb. I asked the nurse "am I supposed to feel tingly sensations?" She asks, "where are you feeling it?" I replied, "in my right arm." She calls my doctor back who then asks me to squeeze his hand first with my left hand then with my right hand. I squeeze hard with my left hand. I can't feel my right hand - it feels numb and weak. "Squeeze as hard as you can" my doctor says. In my head i'm saying "i'm squeezing as hard as I can." He asks me to lift my right arm, my right leg. I can't lift them. I am overwhelmed with emotions. I am just coming out of the anesthesia, my heart is still burning with pain and I can no longer feel the right side of my body. Vicki is holding my hand and rubbing my head. The nurse is lovingly asking me how i'm doing. Tears start to fall. What's happening? Did I have a stroke? I can't stop my tears. I am grateful for my friend Vicki and the nurse who gently wipe the tears from my eyes and continue to comfort me.

My doctor says he is going to have a neurologist come in to see me. In 5 minutes a neurologist shows up. He asks me to do a bunch of things. My left side is strong but I can barely feel my right side. I want to just cry. I can answer his questions. My brain seems like it's working fine so why can't I move the right side of my body? Why do I feel so weak? He tells me that he's going to send me down for an MRI of the brain/neck. In less than 10 minutes I am being wheeled down and within minutes have been transferred over to the MRI machine and am laying face up, motionless, for 45 minutes as I hear loud noises, feel my body vibrating and feel contrast being shot through my veins.

I am wheeled back to recovery where I remain for about an hour before I am taken up to my room. The pain in my chest has dissipated -- the drugs must be working. My doctor reminds me that they burned my heart so it's not surprising that I feel pain. I start noticing sensation in the right side of my body slowly coming back. The neurologist comes to tell me that the MRI comes back negative for hemorraghing and stroke. I am so relieved. He is able to tell the sensations are starting to come back and tells me that it could be my body reacting to the drugs. He tells me, with a smile, your brain is normal and I can give you a certified copy of that so that you can show that to your friends! :) It takes a little while but eventually the strength and sensation return to the right side of my body.

When I am up in my room the nurse tells me that I can get up to go to the bathroom. I have been laying still for several hours and the entry site on my leg that they use to get to my heart should now be clotted. I slowly stand up from my bed and shortly after I am up my nurse looks at me with concern and says 'you're bleeding. I need for you to sit back down on the bed'. I look down at my right leg and my gown is drenched with blood, there is blood on the hospital floor and my leg has blood dripping down. I didn't feel anything because there is still some numbness in my right leg. The nurse has me lay flat on my back. I'm feeling lightheaded and somewhat nauseated and like i'm going to pass out. The nurse applies pressure on the incision to stop the bleeding and they start fluids on me again. After that little bleeding episode I am back to bed rest and am told it will be another hour or so before they will let me try to stand up again. It doesn't surprise me that I had bleeding problems again ... they tell me it's uncommon to have bleeding problems but unfortunately I seem to fall into the category of the minority .... fortunately they only went through a vein (and not an artery) so stopping the bleeding wasn't too much of an issue.

As the day went on I started feeling much better. I regained full sensation of my right side, the chest pain completely went away and I had no more bleeding episodes. I was also told that my heart was beating in sinus rhythm, meaning normal rhythm. There were only occasional PVCs, which is 'normal.' I was able to sleep for 5 hours straight.

My cardiologist came to see me the next morning to check on me. He's such a great doctor and I feel so blessed to have him on my healthcare team. He said I gave him a scare with the numbness on my right side and he was concerned that I had had a mini-stroke. I thanked him profusely for everything and for helping me get back to my normal heart rhythm so that I can now sleep through the night! For me this is the greatest gift after not having uninterrupted sleep for 2 and a half months! I will go back to see him at the end of July for a 2 month followup. We hopefully have one of my heart issues resolved for now and he said he will just need to keep monitoring me closely for my other heart issue (left ventricular noncompaction - LVNC). I ask him more about what we can do for the LVNC and if it is progressive. He says it is progressive. Eventually the structural weakening in my left ventricle will lead to weakening of my heart. There are also other things he said he needs to watch for such as arrthymia in the top chambers of my heart which could lead to strokes; he also needs to closely watch for electrical problems in the left ventricle of my heart which is more concerning that electrical problems in my right ventricle. I ask him how long will it take for my heart to weaken? He tells me it won't happen overnight ... "a year, two years, maybe ten, maybe more ..." The key is to stay on top of it. In my head, I say to myself ... this all sounds so familiar with the journey i've been taking to deal with the cancer/pre-cancer in my breast.

For now, I am simply grateful that the electrical problems have been resolved. I am grateful for the incredible people I have in my life ... and of course, my beloved animals (Ahnung, Missy and Mister) ... I am grateful to be able to put my head down on my pillow and fall asleep.

The Lord is my Shepherd

2011-05-30T10:07:00.000-05:00

I am now less than 24 hours away from my heart procedure. It's been a long journey for me. It's hard for me to believe sometimes that it was March 14th when my sleep problems first started, and then 5 days later my heart problems were discovered by 'accident' as I was getting prepped for my MRI guided breast biopsy. Since fall of 2008 it just seems like I have had one health issue after another. Feeling strong and healthy on a consistent basis feels like a distant memory ... maybe it feels so distant now because of continued sleep deprivation. Last night was a rough night for me ... crazy dreams and waking up every hour to hour and fifteen minutes. My heart feels like it's ready to pop out of my chest. I know my anxiety is up today as my procedure is tomorrow and the logical/analytical side of me processes what has happened to me over the past couple of years with health procedures. I've had 3 lumpectomies (May 2009, Dec 2009, Oct 2010) and none of them really scared me. What was more anxiety-provoking was waiting for the pathology reports. I've also had two MRI guided breast biopsies (Aug 2010, Apr 2011) ... and both times I was told by my doctors (once down at Mayo and most recently here in the cities) that there was a less than 1% chance of complications, primarily bleeding problems. And both times I had bleeding problems and a hematoma. Then in April I'm told by my cardiologist that I have ventricular bigeminy and that 25% of my heart beats are coming from the ventricle and not the sinus node ... and in a 'routine' cardiac test done prior to meeting with a electrophysiologist (a cardiologist who specializes in electrical rhythms of the heart) they discover an 'incidental' finding ... abnormality in my left ventricle leading to the diagnosis of left ventricular noncompaction, a disease only .1% of the population gets ... and a disease with a lot of unknowns and uncertainties and not the best prognosis. So here I am the night before my heart procedure and the logical part of my brain tells me that I haven't been on the 'right' side of the odds. I've fallen into the less than 1% with complications and being diagnosed with a rare heart disease. My doctors at Mayo and in the cities have also called me an anomaly with how pre-cancer/cancer cells are developing in my breast. My doctors at Mayo tell me it's a question of when I will get breast cancer and not if I will get breast cancer. They're not even sure if I don't already have it but they can't confirm it. All they can say with certainty is that the cells in my breasts are changing and they believe that something in my immune system has lost its ability to identify abnormal cells. But my health journey took a detour when heart problems popped up ... breast cancer is now secondary to my heart problems.

So here I am working hard to counter the fear and anxiety that at times consume me .... and I ask myself, why am I so afraid? What am I afraid of? and the conversation with myself continues ... "it must be death ... but why?" I've always imagined a time when I would be reunited with my father, and yes my beloved pets (Splat, Shen and Shadow). I believe in God and yes, I do believe in heaven or some type of existence that is beyond our earthly forms. I imagine being held again by my father. It's what has kept me going during many of my darkest moments. I have all my affairs in order ... will, healthcare directive, and financial documents ... that feels good. I've had conversations with friends and family about what I want to have happen ... but I think what scares me and what causes me anxiety is my unwillingness to simply surrender to what is meant to be. This morning as I was meditating I meditated on the 23rd psalm which has often given me comfort .... I repeated the psalm over and over in my head, and then read it out loud ....

The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:

He leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul:

He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name' sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;

Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;

Thou annointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever.

Only when I am able to completely surrender my will over to God am I able to feel peace in my heart. I struggled for many, many years to come to terms with a religion and a faith that violated a very sacred boundary of mine and ripped me of my innocence and trust. After decades of soul searching I came to the realization that God is in each and every one of us ... in all living beings. It wasn't God that violated that trust ... it was a human being. I can either choose to believe in a God or not. I can either choose to let past hurts close my heart to fully experiencing life and love, or I can open myself up to living, to loving and risking And there are also many paths to the Divine, and we touch the Divine and experience the Divine in so many ways. For me, it's in moments when I open my heart completely and fully to love and be loved; it's in the eyes of my beloved animals (Ahnung, Missy and Mister); it's in the pleading eyes of animals needing to be rescued; it's when i'm touched by a wild dolphin; it's in a hug or an embrace; it's when I'm sitting quietly in a chapel, or in my meditation room; it's when I close my eyes, tilt my head back and feel rain drops on my face; it's when I look up in the night skies and see the stars and the moon ....

So today I choose to place all my fears and anxiety in a small container and place them in the hands of God. I will step forward into the coming days (and tomorrow's heart procedure) with love in my heart and I will surrender my will over to God ... to the Divine ... I will trust that whatever is meant to be will be. I will welcome and embrace the love and prayers of friends of family.

"The light will always return to chase away the darkness, the sun will always come out again after the rain, and the human spirit will always rise above failure."

~ Harold Kushner

"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. "

~ Buddha

Letting Go

2011-05-26T09:18:00.001-05:00

Photo from Flickr

This is the longest i've gone without writing on my blog. So much has been going on, physically and emotionally. For the first time I simply felt the need to recoil, to be with myself and my feelings and to not share so much. But this morning I feel the desire to emerge. I have begun tapering off of my heart meds as I prepare for my heart procedure on Tuesday. The symptoms have been bad but they are getting worse now. I have been having trouble sleeping; my heart wakes me up in the middle of the night every hour or two; my body goes through spurts of feeling physically desperate for rest and relief. The last time I had a good night's sleep was March 14th. I have been waiting for this procedure for 6 weeks and the time is finally arriving. I am normally not phased by surgery or any medical procedure. This time around I realize I am scared and I have anxiety ... maybe it's because I am exhausted physically, maybe it's because this procedure entails going into my heart, maybe it's because i've had bleeding problems, or maybe it's because I just haven't been so lucky in the health arena lately and I fear falling into the less than 1% of patients who end up with complications in this procedure. When I close my eyes and fall asleep Tuesday morning as they inject the anesthesia into my veins there will be a part of me that will feel relief because I will get to rest and sleep deeply.. something I haven't had the chance to experience for so long; there will also be a part of me that will be scared .. wondering and hoping that I won't fall again into the less than 1% of folks who have issues. I will imagine Papa holding me and protecting me. I will imagine Ahnung by my side. I will imagine the love and support of so many friends and family holding me up.

So early Tuesday morning a good friend of mine will take me to the hospital and she will wait for me as I'm undergoing my heart procedure. I've been told the procedure will take anywhere from 2 to 6 hours. That if the electrical problems are coming from the right ventricle (as they suspect) that they will be able to identify the source soon after they enter my heart with the wire and they will burn that area of my heart. If they discover I have electrical problems in my left ventricle they will then have to go through my heart and it will take much longer, and it may also mean that there is some relation to the left ventricular noncompaction heart disease I have. My doctor also says on rare occasions the source of the problem is outside the heart and in that case he said they won't be able to fix the problem as they will be inside my heart, and that a follow-up procedure/surgery will have to take place.

I am hopeful that this procedure will take away the symptoms I've had for the past 2.5 months and that I will finally be able to sleep through the night. I am having to practice letting go .... really, truly letting go. It seems as if i'm having to practice letting go on multiple levels and the irony of it all, is that when I am able to let go and loosen my grip on wanting to try to control some outcome or some part of myself, that I am able to find myself, find peace and to feel more alive than ever.

"To be fully human, fully myself,

To accept all that I am, all that you envision,

This is my prayer.

Walk with me out to the rim of life,

Beyond security.

Take me to the exquisite edge of courage

And release me to become."

~Sue Monk Kidd

Let Life Happen to You

2011-05-07T08:51:00.000-05:00

"What should I say about your tendency to doubt your struggle or to harmonize your inner and outer life? My wish is ever strong that you find enough patience within you and enough simplicity to have faith. May you gain more and more trust in what is challenging, and confidence in the solitude you bear. Let life happen to you. Believe me: life is in the right in any case."

~ Rainer Maria Rilke, from Letters to a Young Poet

Love this! Let life happen to you, and for me it's also about being grateful for all that life offers. I took yesterday off from work. My day began with an early morning meeting with my estate planning attorney. I have spent the past week reflecting and having conversations with friends about the legacy I want to leave behind, and making arrangements to ensure that my furkids (Ahnung, Missy and Mister) are well cared for should anything happen to me, and picking the charities that have touched me in some way ... it's ironic that as I'm putting all my matters in order and reflecting on death that I feel the most alive. It can be difficult to have conversations about death yet it is something I believe is essential, and for me personally, something that will give me comfort to know that I have my matters in order before my heart procedure at the end of the month. My life is full of purpose, meaning, connection and love. How could I possibly ask for anything more than what I have in this moment?

Living on the edge

2011-05-04T08:50:00.000-05:00

Photo from Flickr

I woke up this morning at 5 am to my heart doing what felt like major cartwheels and to my heart feeling like it was going to pop out of my chest as I struggled to get a full breath. "Is this it? Am I about to go into sudden cardiac arrest? Am I just overreacting? This will just pass. I don't want to make a big deal out of nothing. If this goes on i'll call 911" .... and on and on and on, my mind goes as I wait to see if I get chest pains, even though intellectually I know that women often don't get chest pain like men do. I don't know what a heart attack feels like, or the moments leading up to it? If I make the wrong decision, the consequences could be fatal ... I know that now. But my heart has been doing bizarre stuff lately and most of the time it's just gone away and I've been fine, so how do I know when I need to take action and really do something, i.e. get medical attention?

So I'm realizing this morning that it sometimes feels like i'm living on the edge, or walking on a ledge ... a ledge that's been created from the various bits of pieces of information fed to me along with symptoms my body has: I have an electrical problem in my heart (a pretty significant electrical problem) -- the doctors don't know what causes it; they don't think (but they're not sure) that it's related to the left ventricular noncompaction (LVNC) disease I have that's the cause for the weakening of the left ventricle in my heart. They don't know much about this disease so prognosis is uncertain. It's a serious disease that has been known to lead to sudden cardiac arrest. Electrical problems of the heart and arrhythmias are associated with LVNC. Yet my heart right now is functioning normal even though structurally there is weakening. The heart procedure at the end of the month will hopefully take care of the electrical problem in my heart. If it returns, however, it is most likely related to the LVNC. Physically, even though the beta blockers have helped and i'm at least getting some sleep (for which I am extremely grateful for) I can still feel the erratic beating of my heart ... the extra heart beats coming from my ventricle, where heat beats aren't suppose to start from.

I don't want to make a big deal about all of this. I want to keep living my life as normally as I possible. But how do I know ... how do I know when it's serious enough to call for medical help? Most of the time the symptoms just pass, and I'm okay. But what if I make the wrong decision? If only I could have a magic sign that flashes in front of me that says 'Marilou ... NOW you need to call for help! NOW you pick up that phone!'

This morning I took a gamble, and it worked out okay. My prayer for today, "God give me the wisdom and the insight to know when I need to act ... give me peace and comfort to not worry about every step I take and to trust in my life's journey wherever it leads me ... and fill my being with an acceptance and a true sense of gratitude for every moment I have."

Namaste

2011-04-30T09:33:00.000-05:00

Through my volunteer work with Pet Haven I've been blessed to meet so many wonderful people. One of them is a very talented artist Cindy whom I have commissioned to create personalized leash holders for my pups. Shortly after I moved into my new home and as I worked to create a space and a feeling of me, I found myself wanting to fill my home with art and photography .... the word 'Namaste' has meant so much to me for quite some time. Yoga Journal does a beautiful job describing the meaning of Namaste:

"The gesture Namaste represents the belief that there is a Divine spark within each of us that is located in the heart chakra. The gesture is an acknowledgment of the soul in one by the soul in another. "Nama" means bow, "as" means I, and "te" means you. Therefore, Namaste literally means "bow me you" or "I bow to you."

To perform Namaste, we place the hands together at the heart charka, close the eyes, and bow the head. It can also be done by placing the hands together in front of the third eye, bowing the head, and then bringing the hands down to the heart. This is an especially deep form of respect. Although in the West the word "Namaste" is usually spoken in conjunction with the gesture, in India, it is understood that the gesture itself signifies Namaste, and therefore, it is unnecessary to say the word while bowing.

We bring the hands together at the heart chakra to increase the flow of Divine love. Bowing the head and closing the eyes helps the mind surrender to the Divine in the heart. One can do Namaste to oneself as a meditation technique to go deeper inside the heart chakra; when done with someone else, it is also a beautiful, albeit quick, meditation."

So I asked Cindy if she could create a mosaic for me with the word 'Namaste.' I wanted it to hang above a doorway that is located in the middle of the main floor of my house. It is also the doorway that leads downstairs to my den and to the master bedroom. It is the doorway that connects all spaces in my home and for me also connects me to spirits in physical and non-physical form. It is a word that reminds me of the sacredness of life and our connectedness. It is a word that reminds me to come from a space of love, understanding and compassion. It is a word that reminds me of the Divine, present in each and every one of us.

And in my downstairs bathroom I asked Cindy if she could create a mosaic with the word 'Breathe'. My bathroom is blue and I have filled the space with dolphin energy. Dolphins have played a very significant and healing role in my life's journey. Karyn Kedar in her book 'Dance of the Dolphins' does a beautiful job articulating what I feel in my heart about these precious creatures ... "the dance of the dolphin, as it gracefully navigates water and air, tells me to find balance because life is a mystery of contradictions, worlds I know and those I don't, realities I can see and those I can only sense. We live with paradox and ambiguity. We live in our minds and in our souls. We live in our own world and in the world of all. And all the while we dance, sometimes with grace, and sometimes not...."

And when I was blessed last July to swim and be touched by wild dolphins in Bimini, Bahamas I watched them swim and breathe with such grace. It was mesmerizing. Often, I forget to take deep breaths ... to breathe from my belly. Breath is the source of life.

Thank you Cindy for creating these very personal art pieces for me .... If you'd like to check out a few other pieces of work that Cindy has created check out her blog. You can also reach her at ccaverin68@gmail.com.

Here are photos of the personalized dog leash holders she created for my "kids" ....

To know, or not to know ... that is the question

2011-04-29T08:22:00.000-05:00

On Wednesday I got a call from my doctor (the electrophysiologist). He wanted to give me the results of my latest heart test (echocardiogram). He also consulted with his colleagues to review my cardiac MRI and to confirm if they really believed I had 'left ventricular non compaction' (LVNC), a rare heart disease that apparently is found in only .1% of the population. The diagnosis of LVNC was confirmed. The echo revealed that my heart is functioning normally ... that's the great news! He indicated that structurally there is thickening of my heart muscle in the left tip of my left ventricle. That's the not so good news as it means there is some damage to my heart. At some time, it will begin to impact the functioning of my heart. The goal is to slow the damaging of my heart. For now, he wants me to begin aspirin therapy (once i get clearance from my hematologist that I don't have any bleeding disorders) and he says they will need to monitor me closely seeing me every 3 - 6 months and running tests to check the functioning of my heart and the progression of structural damage. He reminds me that exercise is good, but no competitive sports or races. The PVCs (preventricular contractions)/extra heart beats which have caused my sleep problems will be addressed at the end of May when I go in for an ablation. The beta blockers i'm taking have been helping for which I am extremely grateful. My doctor does not thinking that the PVCs which appear to be coming from my right ventricle have anything to do with the LVNC in my left ventricle. If they discover during the ablation, however, that there are PVCs coming from my left ventricle that could possibly indicate further deterioration of my heart and increased risk.

So how is all of this affecting me? I'm often asked that, and I often ponder that myself. Surprisingly, I am actually okay with it. This rare LVNC disease is something I have probably had all my life. Somehow, it's 'manifesting' now .... so now I simply know and am aware of this disease. I am also aware that this is a disease where there is so much the medical community doesn't know, and from what they do know, it's a disease with poor prognosis. The reality though is that it doesn't change anything because all I have is today ... all any of us have, is today and this moment. I have a choice on how I choose to accept this latest news. I am also very much alive today and in this moment. I feel very alive and nobody can tell me anything that will change how I feel on the inside. It doesn't mean i'm not cognizant that my heart, structurally, is weakening. But functionally, it's strong and I can keep doing things that will continue to strengthen my heart and my soul.

I admit that I have a new perspective on life ... I am putting everything 'in order' (it's something I should've already one!) ... I met with my estate planning attorney and before I have my heart procedure at the end of May everything will be in order. What an interesting exercise to actively plan for my death and to really think through what is important to me and the legacy I want to leave behind. I know it will give me comfort to know that I have all my matters in order. I also know that every morning when I wake up I am truly grateful .... and I thank God for another day. Today, I am even more grateful because it is an absolutely beautiful spring-like day here in Minnesota and I have the day off from work to simply enjoy this gorgeous weather ...

"Go within yourself and probe the depths from which your life springs .... " ~ Rilke

Never Give Up!

2011-04-24T09:36:00.001-05:00

Taken after completing the San Francisco Half Marathon
thanks to my friend Michele for taking the photo :)

With all the curve balls that life has thrown at me over the past couple of years I find myself this morning slowing down to pause and reflect. The latest diagnosis of a serious heart condition (left ventricular non-compaction) was one, I must confess, that took me by complete surprise! Because of this heart condition I am being told I can no longer participate in competitive sports, and that signing up for races (marathons, half marathons, even shorter races) is something I need to give up. Competitive sports has been a part of my life, especially when I was younger and growing up. I grew up in Thailand and at the age of 6 I remember winning my first gold medal in swimming. At the age of 9 I began representing Thailand in international swim meets. I was known as the 'water baby' .... 50 meter and 100 meter breaststroke were my events and I held the Thai national records for those events. Swimming and competitive sports had become a part of life, a part of my being. My mom would take us (me and my siblings) for swimming training before school, then right after school we would head back for more swimming training. I remember eating my breakfast in the car ride from swimming training to school ... i remember hard boiled eggs, although i'm sure we probably had more than just hard boiled eggs!! :) For a while I trained under an Australian coach. I remember the intensity of that training ... how during the interval training I felt like my lungs were going to burst and how I wanted to just quit. My coach pushed me, and pushed me, and pushed me .... I learned how to use my mind to push my body beyond what it thought it was capable of, and when I could not take it any more and I had reached my limit I remember wanting to break down, cry and just give up. I remember my coach looking me straight in the eyes and saying to me at these times, and at times when I didn't win the gold, "a winner is someone who gets back up; a winner is someone who doesn't quit." Yes, I won many gold medals in my competitive swimming days, but I have to say my biggest learnings where when I didn't win the gold medals, it's when I ended up with a silver, or a bronze medal or even nothing .. and I learned that I have to get back up and keep trying.

Competitive sports taught me discipline and it taught me to never give up. In many ways, I think it taught me that I am capable of so much more than I think I'm capable of. These past couple years with all the various health challenges, I find myself thinking of the Energizer bunny, and I smile as I imagine myself being knocked down over and over again .... and somehow, some way, something inside of me keeps telling me, to get back up and try again.

Even though I can no longer compete in sports or sign up for races, I have taken with me the most valuable learnings from these experiences and they are a part of who I am and the way I view life and all that gets tossed my way ... last November I completed the San Francisco Half Marathon which was a huge accomplishment for me on so many levels (physically, emotionally and spiritually) with all of my health challenges. And that morning in San Francisco the weather took a turn and I found myself having to face running 13.1 miles in pouring rain, with some incredibly hard downfalls ... up until then I imagined running in beautiful sunny weather. Early that morning I had to shift my thinking to welcome the rain and downpour ... it then became a spiritual cleansing experience for me and as I ran across the Golden Gate bridge, not once but twice, and my body drenched ... I looked up into the heavens and smiled as I could feel the raindrops on my face. I remember just feeling so grateful for life. So today, I am challenged to approach running from a new perspective ... one of moderation. I am also going to incorporate more play into my life .... my pup Mister is a constant reminder to me of living in the moment ... after all, this moment is truly all we have ... the moments string together, and it's up to us how we choose to handle all that life tosses our way. I don't know what's in store for me health wise; I don't know what my EP (electrophysiologist) is going to tell me next week after he reviews the results of the echocardiogram and consults with his colleagues about my heart condition ... what I do know, is that on many levels, it doesn't matter because I am alive today, and no matter what he tells me I really only have THIS moment ... and if it's meant to be, then I will have many more of these moments, and if not, then I will make the most of what I have.

Today is Easter Sunday ... a day for Christians to celebrate the rising from the dead of Jesus. No matter what you believe ... I think we all have the ability to rise again; to have new beginnings; and for us to have new hope.

A good friend of mine shared the following video on her facebook page this morning ... how appropriate as I was reflecting on 'never giving up' ... it's a very moving and inspiring video.

My weary heart ... not just emotionally but physically

2011-04-20T14:16:00.000-05:00

Photo from Flickr

So I meet with my EP (electrophysiologist) at Abbott Northwestern Hospital early this morning. Good news and not so good news. The good news is that the PVCs are coming from one area in my right ventricle. They are very frequent but my doctor says are most likely benign. The treatment plan: start on beta blockers and get scheduled for PVC ablation where he will go in to my heart and identify and isolate the exact location of where the PVCs are originating and ablate (or burn) that site. Because of bleeding complications i've had in the past and concern of my doctor of a potential bleeding disorder I have an appointment to see a hematologist tomorrow. My EP would like to know more about what the hematologist thinks and if I do have a bleeding disorder as that will change how the ablation is done. So for now, my ablation is scheduled for 5/31.

And the not so good news. The cardiac MRI done on Monday morning came back showing abnormality in my left ventricle. My EP does not think it's related to the PVCs in my right ventricle. In the medical world, it's considered an 'incidental finding.' I look at him and say, I guess you could say it was a blessing .. kind of like how my heart PVCs were discovered as I was getting prepped for my MRI guided breast biopsy, and now how this abnormality in my left ventricle has been discovered because of my PVCs. He smiles ... "I guess that's one way to look at it -- a positive way." Then he goes on to tell me more about this 'abnormality' ... my report reads "Abnormal cardiac MRI: prominent trabeculation is seen in the apical third of the L ventricle, meeting criteria for noncompaction of the left ventricle." He goes on to tell me that this is a rare heart disorder, and affects only 1% of the population. He tells me though that he wants to consult with a few more of his colleagues to confirm the LVNC (left ventricle non-compaction) diagnosis and also wants me to have another test (an echocardiogram). Either way my LVNC diagnosis will be confirmed or I will be borderline and will need to be monitored closely. It's a serious disorder and prognosis is often fatal (severe heart failure, systemic embolism, arrhythmia or sudden death). They believe it's a genetic disorder. There's no specific therapy for LVNC but one that seems to help is aspirin therapy as those with LVNC are at greater risk of developing blood clots due to blood being retained in the heart. Interestingly, it appears that i've had problems with my blood clotting after past MRI guided biopsies.

So I sit here at home and the reality of all my EP has said is starting to sink in ... I am at risk of sudden cardiac failure. I guess, if i'm going to have to go at least it will be quick. I'm going back to the hospital for an echocardiogram on Friday. My EP wants another view of the abnormal area in my left ventricle. He also wants to see if and how much of my heart muscle has been damaged or weakened.

My EP was absolutely wonderful, thorough, compassionate and spent over an hour with me explaining everything to me and listening to me. He did his best to not scare me with the LVNC diagnosis but he also needed me to know the seriousness of this disorder. I wanted to ask him, "so how much time do I have?" But I decided not to, because the truth, none of us really know how much time we have left on this beautiful planet. Maybe it's a blessing that i've been made aware of how short and precious life is, and that my weary heart could go out on me any time now and I need to live life as fully as possible.

With this being such a rare disorder there unfortunately isn't a specific therapy .. there are drug therapies (beta blockers) and aspirin therapy ... the drug therapy is an attempt to strengthen and regenerate the heart muscle; the aspirin therapy to prevent risk of blood clotting. In the end, if the heart muscles are severely weakened then a transplant is an option. So on Friday i'll take a test to see just how damaged my heart muscles are ... for now my EP says no competitive sports, no marathons or even half-marathons. Yes, I can exercise but need to do so in moderation.

Today ... I am working from home and spending time with my precious Ahnung, Missy and Mister. My heart is weary ... emotionally and physically. But I am grateful for all that I have in my life ... for my friends, family, community ... and for knowing that each day I live my life with purpose and meaning.

There was a quote being passed around on facebook yesterday ... i posted it on my wall as it resonated with me on a deep level ... I need to remind myself again today, of this beautiful quote:

"Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation. You cannot control what happens to you in life, but you can always control what you will feel and do about what happens to you."

Victor Frankl, Auschwitz Survivor"

Weary heart

2011-04-18T11:12:00.000-05:00

I just got home from the hospital and am taking the day off from work. I went in early this morning for my cardiac MRI. I slept last night but it was not a restful sleep. I've been taking 50 mg of Benadryl early enough in the day as I've learned that my body reacts within the first 3 - 4 hours of taking the benadryl (rapid heart beat, feeling a little faint and like i'm having an out of body/floating type sensation), but since i've been able to sleep through the night I figured it must be helping. I took the 50 mg around 4 pm yesterday as I had plans to go to bed early in anticipation of waking up early for my cardiac MRI. My heart started fluttering and racing. I've learned to just situate myself comfortably on the couch in the den and just lay there for a few hours with the pups till the crazy symptoms dissipate. A friend calls to check on me last night. She happens to be in the medical field and when i mention, in passing, my symptoms from the benadryl she immediately tells me that I have to stop taking benadryl. My heart is obviously having some kind of a reaction to it and i need to call my cardiologist and let her know what my symptoms are and if it's okay to keep taking the benadryl. So i have a call into my doctor right now. I don't know what's worse ... being sleep deprived I find myself feeling desperate ... desperate for rest and sleep, almost at any cost.

This morning as they got me ready for the cardiac MRI they did the usual insert a needle in my vein to get an IV started ... it's to push contrast in my body half way through the procedure. They also attach an EKG to my chest. The nurse tells me i'm having a lot of PVC (preventricular contractions). They continue to monitor my heart for a little bit. I go in and out of PVCs with some major clusters of PVCs. The nurse asks if I can feel the PVCs? I tell her I can now. A few weeks ago I couldn't but I notice them throughout the day now and at night when i'm unable to sleep. Because i'm having so many PVCs they administer a drug to override the PVCs for the MRI. I lay face up and they put headphones on me and they ask if i'm ready ... "you'll be more comfortable if you close your eyes" the nurse says to me as I start sliding into the tube. I close my eyes and as I move further into the tube I can feel the air tighten around me. I take a deep breath to calm myself and to call the dolphins into my heart and my head. For 40 minutes I am in the tube, laying completely still and following instructions of when to breathe and when to hold my breath. And when the contrast is inserted into my veins I feel a cold fluid rush through my body and in minutes my body starts to shiver. I tell myself 'one last round of images Marilou and you'll be done ... think dolphins, think warm water in the Bahamas.'

My cardiologist has pushed for the MRI to be done more than a month in advance and for me to meet with an electrophysiologist on Wednesday because I have become very symptomatic. I feel the irregular heart beats, pretty much all day. I've been unable to sleep at night until just a few days ago when I started taking benadryl (but now am not sure if I can continue to take benadryl). The PVCs are uncomfortable but they're tolerable in my waking hours. Part of me wonders if it's just in my head and i'm just noticing it more .... this morning confirmed for me it's not in my head. I'm having frequent and significant clusters of PVCs.

I'm glad I have the day off from work today ... my heart feels tired today, emotionally and physically. My body feels tired.

Accepting all gifts as if it were one I had chosen ...

2011-04-15T10:20:00.001-05:00

Photo from Flickr.

Last night I finally got a decent night's sleep ... I only woke up once (at 4 am) and fell right back to sleep. It's been 30 days since I've slept soundly through the night. For the past month i've only been able to imagine (yes, even fantasize) what it would feel like once again to lay my head down on my pillow, and fall right to sleep like I used to, have sweet dreams (or lucid, meaningful dreams) and to wake up feeling rested. I don't feel completely rested as I know it will take time for my body to catch up, but I am grateful and relieved for the gift of a decent night's sleep. Maybe it was the 50 mg of benadryl I took early last night in combination with my body reaching its limit and saying to my heart .... "you can palpitate and you can thump and you can scream, but tonight I am going to ignore you and I am going to sleep right through the irregular pounding thumps!" Or maybe my heart, simply conceded ... regardless, it doesn't matter how or why I was finally able to sleep through the night. I am simply grateful.

So today I am able to reflect more on this past month, on what my heart has been doing and the new twists and turns in my health journey. I am grateful to my cardiologist who pushed to get my appointments moved up ... early Monday morning I go in for a cardiac MRI and early Wednesday morning I meet with one of the few electrophysiologists in the state of Minnesota. My cardiologist called him up directly to discuss my case and he agreed to meet with me on a non-clinic day. I had to reschedule my appointment with the hematologist for next Thursday. Finding relief and figuring out what is going on with my heart and why the electrical patterns and rhythms in my heart have gone awry has taken priority.

This morning I came across a beautiful poem by Jane Hirschfield, "Each moment a white bull steps shining in the world." It reminds me of how important it is for me to welcome and accept all gifts that come into my life ... even the frightening ones ... and to embrace them and accept them as if I had chosen the gift myself. I don't know why I've been having so many health challenges over the past couple years. What I do know is that it has made me a better, stronger person. And what I do know is that in the end, no matter what, I will be okay.

So I felt compelled to share with you Jane Hirschfield's poem ... inevitably we will encounter something, someone, an experience, an event that will scare us and make us want to run the other way or put our defenses up. Today ... my gut reminds me that behind anything that scares or frightens us, there is peace, love, light and joy. Today, I remind myself to be rooted and grounded.

Each Moment a White Bull Steps Shining into the World

~ Jane Hirschfield

If the gods bring to you

a strange and frightening creature,

accept the gift

as if it were one you had chosen.

Say the accustomed prayers,

oil the hooves well,

caress the small ears with praise.

Have the new halter of woven silver

embedded with jewels.

Spare no expense, pay what is asked,

when a gift arrives from the sea.

Treat it as if you yourself

would be treated, brought speechless and naked

into the court of a king.

And when the request finally comes,

do not hesitate even an instant -

stroke the white throat,

the heavy, trembling, dewlaps

you'd come to believe were yours,

and plunge in the knife.

Not once

did you enter the pasture

without pause,

without yourself trembling,

that you came to love it, that was the gift.

Let the envious gods take back what they can.

Reaching deep into my roots ...

2011-04-13T13:21:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I blogged ... i am fortunate to have friends and even kind strangers from across the globe follow my blog, so I decided I needed to post an update even though I am tired and my mind and brain feel like they are barely functioning. I am always appreciative of the kinds words, thoughts and prayers and deep down believe that we are all connected, somehow, some way ...

First the good news! The two lesions in my breast were biopsied (or at least samples of the lesions) and were BENIGN!! There were early signs of cell proliferation but not enough for my surgeon and doctor to recommend a surgical biopsy so for now I get a 6 month reprieve till I have to return for a follow-up MRI. If the lesions are still there they will need to be removed. The bleeding issue that resulted after the MRI guided biopsy is of concern to my primary doctor so I have an appointment scheduled with a hematologist for next week.

My biggest issue right now continues to be my heart and not being able to sleep at night. It's now 29 days since I first had sleep problems. I've gone back in my journals and health diary. It was the Monday after I returned from a weekend workshop in Virginia (3/14) and 4 days before the first attempt to do the MRI guided biopsy. I wasn't even aware at that time that I had heart problems. I just remember waking up every hour or hour and a half. I brushed it off to 'worry' or anxiety or who knows what. But it persisted every night, and has persisted every night since then. Some nights i'm fortunate and only wake up about 4 times and am able to fall back to sleep fairly quickly. A month ago I would say I was minimally symptomatic; even two weeks ago, it wasn't bad. I noticed the palpitations but they weren't bad and I could live with them. Mid May for the cardiac MRI and appointment with the electrophysiologist seemed a way off but based on my symptoms I was okay with it. This past week or so the symptoms have gotten worse - not only do I feel these strong heart palpitations at night (which often wake me up) but I feel them during the day. My strategy of cat naps during the day no longer are working and as the days and weeks string together where I am unable to sleep without interruption I feel my body weakening. Desperate for sleep this past Saturday I broke down and took some OTC Nyquil cold medicine. My body does not do well with drugs and although I got some sleep I woke up many, many times and in the end did not feel rested as I slipped into what felt like an out of body experience, and the irregular and increasingly strong heart palpitations would jolt me awake.

I asked my cardiologist to reconsider the heart meds. Sleep deprivation is making me feel desperate ... desperate for sleep; desperate to try anything to get rest. My cardiologist tells me I'm not a candidate for the heart medication as my resting heart rate and my blood pressure are already too low and the meds will lower them even more. I don't care, I say. I know i'm not thinking clearly. I need to get in to see the electrophysiologist sooner. She is working to get me in to see him next week. My cardiac MRI has been re-scheduled for early Monday morning. How long can I go on without sleep, without uninterrupted sleep?

Last night I just wanted to cry. I was so tired. I tried to take a nap in the late afternoon. I normally don't sleep with my pups ... I broke down and let my dog Missy on the bed with me thinking it may help me fall asleep. The only one who fell asleep was Missy (and Mister too!) ... nonetheless, it was nice to snuggle up with Missy who thinks she's a person as she loves to lay her head on a pillow.

I am grateful for the incredible friends I have and all the support I continue to get from such a loving community. And today, I am especially grateful for a new love in my life ... a message early this morning on my cell phone "hi sweetie, just wanting to see how your night was" ... and the daily calls (actually several check-in calls a day) to see how i'm doing and if i need anything, and then an hour ago he stops by on his way back to work to drop off some hot food and OTC meds that the cardiologist recommends to help me sleep ... a hug, a kiss an embrace. I tell him that the best medicine for me right now and what is helping me through all of this are the unconditional love of my dogs, his love and support and the love and support of so many of my friends and family.

I have reached deep into my core and done so much work and healing emotionally ... it's ironic that as I have opened up my heart to love and to allow myself to be loved, I am now here having to deal with heart issues. I wrote a letter to my heart the other morning while i journaled asking her what she needs from me ... "dear Heart: I hear your cries. I hear you. I feel you. I notice you. No longer will I push you away or build walls around you. Please tell me what you need or want from me....." I have spent decades trying to keep my heart safe. Now, even with these heart issues, I know that I have never felt so alive ... so full of life, so full of love.

I reach deep into my roots for strength, for courage, for hope. And I reach outward to accept the help, love, support and encouragement of so many who bless me with their presence in my life.

Hope .. Strength ... Courage

2011-04-05T02:57:00.000-05:00

Photo from Flickr

For several weeks now I've had interrupted sleep. It began a week before the first attempt of the MRI guided breast biopsy that was cancelled because they discovered I had a heart problem. I couldn't figure out why I kept waking up in the middle of the night. For a while it was every hour or hour and a half. Now it's often midnight, 3 and 5. Tonight i woke up again at midnight. This time I couldn't go back to sleep and decided to get up and write. At least now I know that waking up is because of my heart problem ... ventricular bigeminy is the fancy word. I'm scheduled for a cardiac MRI and to meet with an electrophysiologist but not till mid-May. I met with a cardiologist last week and at least got clearance to move forward with the MRI guided breast biopsy ... so yesterday I was back at the hospital. The last time I had an MRI guided breast biopsy was August 2010 down at Mayo. I fell in the less than 1% that had complications and a hematoma and they had trouble stopping the bleeding. In August 2010 I only had one site that had to be biopsied and it was small 4mm site. Yesterday two new lesions have appeared since my MRI 6 months ago. Both are in my left breast and both are around 1.5 cm. I told the doctor I hope that this go around I wouldn't get a hematoma.

I have learned to calm myself down in the MRI tube. As I was moved in and out of the tube I kept telling myself to just breathe. As contrast rushed through my veins and my body shook from the vibrations I took my mind to the ocean, to the dolphins, to moments of joy and peace. They locate the two lesions and tell me that they are going to clean the area, numb the area ... the doctor asks 'do you feel something sharp?' I know two large needles are going to be inserted into the outer side of my left breast. Unfortunately i say 'yes it feels sharp'. She adds more solution to numb me a little more. She says 'you'll feel a little pressure.' I actually feel more than just pressure but tell myself I can just breathe through it. As the needle goes deeper inside of me I feel it making stops .. each stop stings and I take a deep breath. I have to lay extremely still for the entire time. After putting me back in the tube and running more images they confirm the needles are in the right place and they are now going to remove tissue from the two sites. "You'll feel more pressure and hear some loud noises" the doctor tells me as the needles pierce their way through my tissues and my cells. I hear this drilling sound and I say to myself 'Marilou ... it's okay' and I return to the ocean and I return to that place in my mind that carry moments of joy. I feel a hand on my arm .. the nurse is stroking my forearm 'are you okay?' I let out a muffled yes. The pain was greater this time than last August. Maybe because it was two sites. Regardless, I was relieved when it was finally told it was over.

Unfortunately, like last August, they had trouble getting the bleeding to stop. As a result I ended up not have the post MRI mammogram done (which is done to confirm the location of clips inserted at the lesion sites). I was told to come back in a week and a half for the 'gentle' mammogram. I was happy to be out of there even though I was feeling extremely sore and a little light headed. I stopped at Lunds to get an ice pack. As I was leaving Lund's I got a phone call from a new friend who was checking on me because she new I was going in for the MRI biopsy (a veterinarian whom I met for the first time over the weekend as we came together in a collaborative animal rescue effort to help a very battered and beaten dog). As I'm talking to her I suddenly feel what feels like blood on my belly. "ummm, Vicki .. I just came from the hospital and I think I have a problem. I think i'm bleeding." I could feel blood rushing down my stomach and my chest feeling drenched. "I'm going to pull over." "Yes, pull over right now. I pull into a parking lot and open up my black jacket. My pink Life is Good long-sleeve shirt is drenched in blood, the inner lining of my coat is covered with blood and I feel blood dripping down and the top of my jeans are getting soaked in blood. "Vicki, i'm going to have to call you back." I smell the blood and I momentarily panic. Okay, do I turn around and drive myself back to the hospital emergency room? No, I can't. I have to go let the dogs out ... they've been on their own for 5 hours. I'm almost home. I'll go home, let them out and put pressure and stop the bleeding and assess what I need to do then. So I quickly drive home -- fortunately i'm only 5 minutes away. I feel the blood dripping down my stomach. I rush into the house and let the dogs out then quickly run to the bathroom to grab some towels. Blood is dripping on my kitchen floor. I take my coat and shirt off and immediately apply pressure. The towel gets drenched with blood. I call my friend Laura up. I'm not sure what to do. I'm worried about the dogs. What if I can't get the bleeding to stop? Why is my blood having trouble clotting? It seems like over the past year I bruise easily and my wounds don't heal easily. Breathe Marilou Breathe ... i keep saying to myself over and over. I call my friend Vicki back who happens to work at the vet clinic around the corner from my house. She's a saint and comes over and helps me assess the situation, ensure the bleeding has stopped, puts new bandage on and helps take care of my dogs (not to mention a bunch of other stuff she did to care for me). She's insistent that I rest and that if I start to bleed again that I need to get myself to an emergency room (and no I can't drive myself! .. it's like she can read my mind!) and if I need to I should call 911. I am beyond grateful. It's hard for me to ask for help. I admit it was a welcome relief when I saw her car pull up into my driveway. I am blessed to have such wonderful people in my life ... friends who would come over and help me in a heart beat if i would simply ask or let them.

Today (Tuesday) I am going to be on edge waiting for my phone to ring in hopes that the pathology report will come in. Yes, i'm worried about the results of the pathology report. Will these lesions be benign? more of the atypical ductal hyperplasia? or is it cancer? I am tired, both emotionally and physically. The heart palpitations I have are causing me to not get restful sleep and lack of sleep is taking its toll on me. Yet at the same there's a part of me that feels so alive and so grateful for my life today. I have met a very special person in my life. He makes me feel so alive and so loved. I hadn't planned on falling in love. Truth is though ... I have fallen in love with my life which of course includes my beloved 3 furkids (and especially the animal rescue work I do) .. i have fallen in love with the connections and closeness I have with so many precious, loving friends (both new and old)... and now I am falling in love with a man who has touched my soul and is helping me heal some of my deepest, oldest wounds.

And so ... in the middle of the night and as so much goes through my heart I am hopeful that my health diagnosis, whatever it may be, will be something very treatable and manageable ... i pray also for strength and courage to continue to live my life with passion, purpose and love ... lots of unconditional love.

TV debut for my therapy dog Ahnung!

2011-04-01T09:19:00.000-05:00

Many of you know how blessed I feel to have Ahnung in my life .. my beautiful dog who is now a therapy dog and came to me via Karen Good of Red Lake Rosie's Rescue ... her story is shared on Ahnung's first blog posting.

Ahnung (pronounced ah-NUNG and means 'star' in ojibway) is truly a gift to me. She came with a multiplicity of diseases and injuries ... like so many other dogs rescued from abusive situations she demonstrated just how resilient animals are, and how loving they are despite all they have been through.

We were honored to be asked by Karen Good (who is one of the Eleven Who Care volunteer winners here in Minneapolis) to join her at the Kare11 station and for Ahnung to be an ambassador for the Red Lake rez dogs. What an honor.

Karen continues to be such a huge inspiration to me for her tireless efforts, her unconditional love and compassion, and her devotion to these battered innocent creatures up at the reservation.

Courageous heart ...

2011-03-30T10:30:00.000-05:00

Photo from Flickr

I was recently told that I have a "courageous heart." I must confess, that these past 24 hours that I haven't felt like I have a very courageous heart, yet I know that often courage comes when we can acknowledge and embrace our fear. I met with my cardiologist at the Minneapolis Heart Institute yesterday. Another EKG was done and confirmed the premature ventricular heart beats I have been having. My doctor tells me that in a 48 hour period while I was wearing a holter monitor I had approximately 200,000 heart beats, and of those heart beats 53,670 were irregular. It's essentially an extra heart beat that starts in the lower chamber of my heart (ventricle). It's apparently not supposed to start there and it throws out this erratic heart beat which appears on an EKG as a major spike. She goes on to say that means that close to 25% of my beats are premature and irregular. Occasional irregular heart beats is common and nothing to be concerned about. Anything less than 10% they may just monitor and try to manage symptoms if there are symptoms. In my case, she says, we have to find out what's causing it as i'm over the threshold of 10%. Although my heart appears to be strong and sound structurally right now, these frequent irregular beats will damage my heart. Electrolyte levels can be a cause. That was ruled out as they tested my magnesium and potassium levels. I don't drink coffee (i have one cup of caffeinated green tea in the mornings), don't smoke, or consume any alcoholic beverages ... I have a very healthy diet, "slender" (the doctor's words) and exercise ... these all work in my favor she says.

So next step is a cardiac MRI and a meeting with an electrophysiologist. She tells me that sometimes what causes electrical problems in the heart is scar tissue or damage to heart muscle tissue. They will be able to see that with the cardiac MRI. If they find an area that is damaged that may be interfering with the electrical current and flow in my heart they will do what's called an ablation and remove the damaged/abnormal tissue. She mentions a medication that is sometimes used but in my case it won't work as I have a low resting heart rate and this medication often lowers one's heart rate. She did give me the go ahead to proceed with with the breast MRI guided biopsy so I have that re-scheduled for Monday afternoon. By next Wednesday i'm hoping i'll have the results from the pathology report and will know what the next steps are concerning the lesions in my breast.

My precious Ahnung

For the most part I think i've been handling the stress of all these health issues pretty well ... yesterday while meeting with my therapist I broke down though and cried. I guess it's more scary that i've been willing to admit. Even before I knew I had heart problems I started having sleep problems -- waking up every hour or hour and a half throughout the night. I didn't know what was causing it and brushed it off to worry or "something." In some ways it helps to know it's the palpitations in my heart that are waking me up. It's been about 2 and a half weeks now since i've had sleep problems. The symptoms get worse at night. Often times I feel like my heart is going to pop out of my chest. I lay in bed at night and I wonder how i will know if it's time to call 911 or take myself to the emergency room. Can I just sleep it off? I've learned to live with the symptoms ... they're tolerable and don't stop me from functioning and going about my day. My cardiologist has a stethoscope next to my chest. She asks "do you feel it?" I say "yes." She nods to affirm that she can hear the irregular heart beat. It's persistent and constant now. I wake up every morning now with an immense sense of gratitude for the gift of another day. As nights of restless and interrupted sleep string together I do find myself getting even more tired and fatigued. I find myself not feeling as brave and able to take on all that life has thrown my way ... but in my darkest moments, I always look to my precious dogs and I smile. I will continue to fight and I will continue to trust in God.

As I continue to prepare for more medical tests and procedures and waiting, I found myself reading one of my favorite quotes over and over this morning:

"I want to ask you, as clearly as I can, to bear with patience, all that is unresolved in your heart, and to try to love the questions themselves, as if they were rooms yet to enter, or books written in a foreign language. Don't dig for answers that can't be given you yet: you cannot live them now. For everything must be lived. Live the questions now, perhaps then, someday, you will gradually without noticing, live into the answer."

~ Rilke

I carry your heart

2011-03-26T12:08:00.000-05:00

Photo by Angie McKaig from Flickr.

As I was perusing through Flickr photos in search of a heart photo, I came across the photo on the left. And along with the photo was the posting of a poem 'i carry your heart' by ee cummings. I immediately thought of my dogs Ahnung, Missy and Mister. I imagined my heart being wrapped by their paws, by their unconditional love, by their belief that everything would be okay.

I met with my primary physician yesterday to discuss the results of my heart tests. On Tuesday I took a stress/echo cardio test and was told that it was 'normal.' The abnormal rhythms (ventricular bigeminy) were only happening while I was at rest. Once on the treadmill and exercising it went away. And no blockages found in my heart and that structurally it appeared that my heart was normal. So that was the good news. Somehow I knew though that what was of more concern would be the results of the holter monitor that I wore for 48 hours last weekend - it would capture every heart beat of mine in a 48 hour window and would be able to tell doctors just how often my heart was going into these abnormal rhythms. So yesterday morning I met with my doctor. I've been seeing her for 10 years now and we have a great rapport ... as she comes into the office and sits down she looks at me and says, "I got a copy of your holter monitor report from the heart center. You have a zillion irregular beats! ... okay, thousands!" She knows I always joke around with her. I ask for a copy of the report. She returns with the summary page and says, "I knew it was a lot and was thinking it was 5,000 irregular beats, but I was off by a zero. You had 53,670 irregular beats in a 48 hour period and a majority of them were ventricular bigeminy (meaning every other beat ) ... and you also have some couplets and triplets where these irregular beats are in succession." She goes on to tell me that I need to followup with a cardiologist and most likely an electro physiologist (a cardiologist who specializes in the electrical portion of the heart). Occasional irregular heart beats is common and nothing to worry about, she says. Mine, however, is pretty severe. Essentially, my heart is beating from the 'wrong' place (starting at the ventricle) almost every other beat. She said it is what's causing why I some times feel light headed and need to sit down. It's also what's causing the palpitations and probably waking me up in the middle of the night. It's also why my hands and feet are cold as the blood isn't being pushed through my body efficiently; it's probably also what's causing my fatigue. She says that she would want to know that with this level of severity of ventricular bigeminy does that put me at higher risk of ventricular tachycardia (which could then lead to cardiac arrest and sudden death)? I confess to her that I've learned to adjust to the symptoms of palpitations, fast heart beat and light headedness and have simply brushed it off in the past. Until I know more about what's causing the electrical problem in my heart I know I need to be more diligent about not only noticing my symptoms but not disregarding them. I assured her that if I felt chest pain, shortness of breath or even if something just didn't feel right, that I would call 911 or get myself to an emergency room.

So for whatever reason my heart is not functioning 'normally'. The two suspicious lesions found on an MRI remain in my left breast and the MRI biopsy is on hold now until my heart issues have been resolved or at least understood and I get clearance from a cardiologist. In many ways i've mentally and emotionally prepared myself for the big 'C' word ... Cancer .... I hadn't really thought about the possibility that my heart would simply give out. I guess the reality is, we never know when it will be our time, but I admit that I am much more aware of it right now as I feel the palpitations in my heart. I hear my doctor's words at Mayo as we were talking about cancer ... "we don't really know what sets of cancer." I hear the words of the doctor in ER last Friday, "we don't really know what triggers someone's electrical heart patterns to shift."

For now I am simply grateful for every new day I have. I meet with a cardiologist at the Minneapolis Heart Institute on Tuesday morning and will know more about what is going on with my heart and what are the next steps/tests I need to take.

I can feel the unconditional love of Ahnung, Missy and Mister as they wrap their paws around my heart. I feel the support and love of friends, family, health care practitioners and community.

I choose to live life fully and to risk loving, falling in love and having my heart broken. Because if today, or tomorrow were to be my last day I want to know that I gave it my all and that I loved with reckless abandon and that I lived a life of passion and purpose.

and to my sweet Ahnung, Missy and Mister ... thank you for carrying me in your heart :)

i carry your heart

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-- ee cummings

Detour

2011-03-20T15:33:00.001-05:00

Photo from Flickr

I've decided to simply surrender to this health journey i'm on as it appears it will go in whatever direction it wants :) So last Friday I was scheduled to have my MRI guided biopsy for the two new lesions in my breast. As I was getting prepped for the biopsy the nurse took my vitals and not long after an alarm goes off. The nurse looks at me and says, "is your heart rate normally low?" And I say "yes." She asks, "are you a runner?" I respond with another yes, but tell her that I haven't been running in a few months and am actually taking a short break from working out. In the past year it hasn't been unusual for my heart rate to be in the 40s when i've gone to see doctors or prior to my previous surgical biopsies. I don't think it's quite gotten down to 36 bpm which is what the nurse told me was my pulse! My blood pressure was low (which is normal for me). "Are you feeling okay?" she asked. "I feel fine!" She asked me that a couple times and she got the same response :) Turns out she's a cardiac nurse so she said, "it's probably nothing but just to be on the safe side I want to run a mini EKG on you." As the print out came out and she looked at the print out of my heart rhythm, turned to me and slowly said, "I need to run this by a colleague. I'll be right back." Hmmmm, not a really good sign I said to myself. She returns to tell me that the doctor who was going to do my biopsy isn't comfortable doing my biopsy as there are abnormalities in my heart. I don't remember her exact words but it has to do with not just irregular heart beats but the frequency of these irregular heart beats and that somehow my heart isn't getting the electrical signal or something is blocking it ... fancy words of "preventricular complexities in a bigeminy pattern." As they sat and monitored me for a little while the nurse said that my heart was mostly beating in these abnormal patterns and would occasionally shift to a normal pattern. She kept asking me if I felt fine, and I kept saying yes! More than anything I was disappointed that the biopsy couldn't be done. My doctor said, "it's too risky. We don't know what's going on with your heart. I spoke to your surgeon (who ordered the biopsy and has done all my previous surgical biopsies) and she agrees that this must be a new condition because she had surgery as recently as last October and we would've caught it at that time. It's not good to have a medical emergency at any time but having one in an MRI room is a really bad place to have one. You are going to be face down in a tube, and i'm going to be sticking two large needles in you and there's a possibility you may bleed and with unexplained abnormalities in your heart, if anything happens, we wouldn't be able to get to you quickly enough with all of the equipment." She told me that as soon as I got clearance from a cardiologist she would get me in for the biopsy.

They continued to monitor my heart for a little while then I was told that I had to go to the emergency room to get a more indepth checkup and a full EKG and other tests. I continued to have a very low pulse and these weird heart patterns .... but I kept telling them I feel fine!! :) So after 7 hours in the hospital I was finally released but with a holter monitor attached to my body to capture every heart beat for the next 48 hours. On Tuesday I go into the Minnesota Heart Center for a stress test and whatever other test they need to do to try to figure out what is causing my heart to not get the proper electrical signals. I am hoping to get clearance from a cardiologist some time next week so that I can schedule my MRI biopsy.

I guess I wasn't meant to have my biopsy on Friday. Hopefully this new heart problem is just a minor bump in this health journey i'm on .... i'm coming to accept that this journey I'm on will have many twists and turns and that fighting it or resisting it isn't going to do any good. When I finally got home on Friday night and was lounging on the couch with my pups, I smiled. In some ways, it was almost comical as I thought to myself ... okay, what body organ is going to act up next??!! :)

A special thanks to my friends Laura and Paula for taking care of my furkids and for assuring me that I did not have to worry about them.

If there's one thing I have learned through all of this ... life is precious and life is short. I am grateful for every new day I have and for the many gifts of love, friendship, purpose, passion and creativity that surround me constantly.

Health journey continues ....

2011-03-17T18:27:00.002-05:00

Abnormalities in my latest breast MRI have taken me back into the rollercoaster of more tests and procedures. And with this next round I bring with me the calm, healing energy of the wild dolphins I was honored to swim with last July in Bimini.

I met with my surgeon yesterday then drove down to Mayo today to meet with my doctors there to get a second opinion. My doctors in the cities are recommending an MRI guided biopsy. Originally the radiologist here said only the new lesion at the 12 o'clock position needed to be biopsied. My surgeon yesterday said she's concerned about the new lesion in my left breast at the 6 o'clock position and would recommend that lesion also being biopsied. It's larger than the written report says. Mayo confirmed that it is as large as the lesion at the 12 o'clock position (1.5 cm) which is concerning since it indicates new growth since my surgical biopsy last October. Mayo also confirmed that both lesions appear to be very similar and they would definitely recommend that both lesions be biopsied. Everyone is in agreement that the area in my right breast that lit up in the MRI is of no concern. It's very small and looks like my lymph node lighting up which simply means it's working. So ... tomorrow I go in for what will be my 5th biopsy in less than 2 years .... 3 surgical biopsies and now my second MRI guided biopsy.

I spent the entire day down at Mayo meeting with my doctors and waiting for them to review all my recent scans. What an incredible group of doctors. I am amazed at how knowledgeable, compassionate and willing to spend whatever time is necessary to ensure that I have all my questions answered and that I am given as much information I need to help me in my decision making process. They shared with me that I am an unusual case and that it's apparent with my history that there is something going on with the cells in my breasts. It's persistent and progressively getting worse ... with abnormal cells proliferating. My doctor went into this discussion on cells, DNA and my immune system. She also shared with me that as much research as Mayo is doing they do not know what triggers cancer and why one person can fight off cancer while another's genes somehow have some kind of mutation that prevents them from fighting off the cancer cells. She said that in my case, it's most likely a case of "when" and not "if" I get cancer based on all the pathology reports and surgeries I've had and the findings thus far. So I went on to ask, " so if it is a 'when' ... will the first case of cancer being found be DCIS or non-invasive cancer?" She said unfortunately not. In my case my cells appear to be taking on a life of it's own, and that's what happens with cancer. She said what's also concerning is that it's persistent. And not only is it persistent but it's progressively becoming more aggressive as she (and my surgeon did as well) shared with me how drastically different my MRI from a week ago is from the one taken 6 months ago. Where there was nothing 6 months ago there are now large lesions. She went on to say, she's seen cases where women have had nothing showing up on any tests and then something triggers the cancer to just explode and they are diagnosed with an aggressive invasive cancer. She's also seen cancer that has progressed slowly. She went on to say that whatever path I choose must be a very personal choice and be something that feels right to me -- there is no right or wrong she says. My case is a very hard one because i'm in a gray area. Essentially my body is screaming out to me that something is going on, but to this point I haven't been able to get all pathologists to consistently agree. I'm still on that borderline of atypical ductal hyperplasia and cancer but with every 6 months showing progression to more chaos in my cell structure and increased proliferation. All I know is that all of my doctors are very concerned and stumped by my case. I asked my surgeon in the cities and my doctor at Mayo if they have other cases like me. Both said no, that my case is definitely unusual. So I posed to her, even if I had a double mastectomy that doesn't mean that I won't get cancer (assuming I don't already have it) since we don't really know yet what we are 'fighting' against and what kind of cancer is just waiting to erupt inside of my body. She nodded. She did suggest that after my biopsy that I consider genetic testing which will test me for whether I have the gene mutation in my DNA that shows that I am unable to fight off certain kinds of cancer (breast, ovarian, pancreatic and melanoma).

So for now, I move forward with the biopsy tomorrow. The pathology reports will hopefully come back early next week and if atypia or cancer is found then I will need to have a surgical biopsy to remove the entire lesions and surrounding tissue to get a clean margin.

I head to Fairview Southdale tomorrow at 8 am and have been told to plan to be there the entire day. They are going to attempt to locate the lesions with an ultrasound in the morning then get me prepped for the MRI guided biopsy for the afternoon if they are unable to locate it with the ultrasound. As I go back into the tube for the MRI guided biopsy I will bring with me the dolphins ... the combination of being in a tube and the vibrations from drilling through my body to the lesions are body memories from last August that sends chills through my body. With two sites to go after I know it will be much longer. Hopefully this go around at least I won't have a hematoma :)

I believe in the healing power of prayer. I ask for my friends and family to send loving and healing energy not only my way but out into the universe for anyone who needs it.

Namaste.

Self Portrait without a Face

2011-03-10T07:17:00.000-06:00

I'm taking a photography class at MCAD which I have really been enjoying. I love how our teacher is so passionate about photography; how he asks lots of questions and makes us think, ponder, reflect on why we make (not take) photos; how he considers photography a spiritual practice; how he challenges us to be creative. Why do we choose to capture a particular image? What draws us to freeze ... to frame ... a particular moment? How do we draw out the personality, the essence and the spirit of the image, the person, the animal we are capturing. When we frame a photo what are we trying to communicate? What does it mean to us?

This latest go around of MRI results has thrown a curve ball in my life's journey. I once again am stepping into upcoming weeks of more tests/procedures, doctor appointments here in the cities and drives down to Mayo to meet with my medical team. As I reflect on my photography assignment for this week "Self Portrait without a Face" I realize that all of my life experiences make up who I am. I will be okay no matter what the doctors tell me or what the results of these upcoming tests and procedures reveal. Nothing can rip me of my essence, my soul, my spirit, my passions -- not even Cancer. So this morning I reflect on my self portrait ... who am I? What makes me feel alive? What burns the fire inside of me? What melts my heart? What matters to me, and in the end what do I believe is my purpose in this precious life I have?

So for my fellow friends and photographers, I invite you to join me in reflecting on this week's photography assignment:

"So for this week I want you to make a Self Portrait. As always though, there is a caveat...you can't show your face. I want it to still be you, I want it to still illustrate you.....just not your face! To start nailing perfect exposures, I want you to shoot in Manual mode (M), and put those Law of Reciprocity skills to the test!

Think of the many many different ways you can accomplish this, using shadow, movement, objects, costume, shroud, framing, gesture, paint, etc. etc. etc.

Be creative..think through the problem. Don't take the easy route out. Consider your options. Could you take on a foreign role? Be the character you wish you were? Use the amazingness of the medium to alter perception? How can you tell me your story and emote a feeling uniquely, and without your face? Who are you?"

Let go ... needing to trust and surrender

2011-03-08T18:39:00.000-06:00

Today began with some great news from work ... profit sharing, merit increase and bonus distribution ... and my new work iPhone had arrived to replace my blackberry. I was off to a great start and was hoping it would continue in that vein. I was of course anxious to hear about the results of the MRI from yesterday. Now in some ways I wish I hadn't gotten the call. As I was driving into the office I got a call from the hospital. The nurse called to tell me that there were two lesions in my MRI that were of concern. I asked if they were in the same area as the lesion I had last summer. She said, "no, these are new lesions" and the radiologist wanted me to come in for an ultrasound as soon as I was able. She said my surgeon would be calling me to discuss more of the specifics.

So late this afternoon my surgeon calls. She tells me that she was very discouraged when she read and saw the report. I've been seeing this same surgeon for almost 10 years now and just love her. I've had 4 surgeries with her. The first was to remove half my thyroid back in 2001 and in the past year and a half i've had 3 separate lumpectomies where she removed lumps in my breast. She's walked this journey with me for 18+ months. This was the first time I noticed some real concern in her voice and in her tone. She tells me that there are actually more than 2 areas of concern. The area that was of concern last summer has resolved. That was also the same area where Mayo did an MRI-guided biopsy and the lesion turned out to be benign. Then in October I had a couple areas removed from my left breast where there was significant abnormality in every pathology slide. She removed a large chunk from what she calls the 12 o'clock position. It's the same area where she's removed lumps for my past 3 surgeries. The MRI from yesterday shows a 1.5 cm lesion in the 12 o'clock position which indicates to her that this is new growth from last October. This is a fairly large lesion. There is also a lesion she says in the 6 o'clock position on my left breast and now a new lesion in my right breast around the lymph node. She says, the results of my MRI are 'busy'. There's a lot of activity going on. She repeats again that she's very concerned.

I go in for an ultrasound early Thursday morning. If they're able to see the lesion/tumor with the ultrasound they will go ahead and biopsy the areas. In the past, ultrasounds have normally never revealed anything for me. Same goes for mammograms. I see my surgeon next Wednesday to go over in more detail the results of the MRI and to discuss options and next steps as I will have more test results by then. There's a part of me that just feels like i'm in a daze. One moment I feel strong and positive and feel like I can handle whatever is thrown my way. Other times I simply just want to break down and cry. I am tired of these health issues. In the end I know I will be okay, no matter what. I have enjoyed the time i've had of feeling good and feeling healthy. If the ultrasound isn't able to detect the lesions i'm back to the gray area i've been in for such a long time .. on the other hand the ultrasound and possible biopsy could reveal a definitive case of cancer, and if it is what kind is it and what stage?

So at this moment I find myself praying for courage and for the strength to simply trust, surrender and let go. I'm heading out of town on Friday to attend a workshop "Transforming your Life" in Virginia. How timely for me to be going to this workshop. My hope is that I will be in a safe place to do some deep healing ... and while doing so I will be surrounded by a loving community where it will be safe to cry and to feel and to create space for whatever emotions surface without passing judgment.

When I get scared I always imagine myself being carried and protected by my Papa. I return to the photo of him carrying me when I was a little girl, and not long before he died. I imagine him holding me when I'm scared and I imagine him whispering to me, "it will be okay. I am right here with you." And I know he sent me angels ... when I hold onto Ahnung I can feel his energy and presence so strongly. She is truly my north star and I will hold on tightly to her as I step into what will be weeks of uncertainty around my health.

Holding onto my northstar

2011-03-07T08:30:00.000-06:00

This morning I head to Fairview Ridges for my breast MRI. It's been 5 months since my last surgery and when they removed what my surgeon says were 'random samples' where every slide examined by the pathologist showed abnormality; and in the end where pathologists couldn't agree on whether I was still in the pre-cancer stage with atypical ductal hyperplasia or whether I had crossed over the line into non-invasive cancer. What there was agreement over was that there was definitely something going on with the cells in my breast and it was progressively getting worse. They couldn't definitively tell me that it was cancer; doctors at Mayo were concerned about surrounding tissue and that there may already be cancer (and even the possibility of invasive cancer); there's concern with the 'close surveillance' option I've chosen for now. With so many other major changes going on in my life these past 5 months I opted to go with close surveillance. Yes, I knew it was a risk, but it was as they say in the business world I am a part of ... a 'calculated risk.' I wouldn't change my decision. I have basked in the joy of feeling so alive these past months and also feeling like a brand new person physically as well. The doctors couldn't tell me for sure it was cancer so after weighing all that was going on in my life and what I had to face and deal with I opted to wait a few months. The doctors felt like it would be okay to do and understood where I was coming from. Truth is ... I needed a break from seeing doctors and going through medical procedure after medical procedure.

So today is another Marilou day .... going in for the breast MRI, seeing my therapist, spending time with my pups who are my angels and best healers, and going to my photography class tonight. Today I hold onto the unconditional love of my dogs, and I will carry their image with me into the 'tube' and I will carry their love, and the love of so many friends, with me over the next 48 hours as I wait for the results of the scan to come back. My sweet dog Ahnung (and yes, she is my north star) is a constant reminder to me that I will be okay no matter the doctor says.

Joy

2011-03-06T08:16:00.000-06:00

This morning as I was looking out my window into my backyard, after some quiet time, meditation and reflecting, it dawned on me ... I am happy; i am truly happy. I have emerged on the other side and when my friends kept telling me that the pain wouldn't last forever I found it hard to imagine. I knew in my gut I had to simply move through the pain. I can't run from the pain. I can't sweep it under the rug anymore. Well, I guess I could but i'm choosing not to anymore; i'm choosing to live my life differently now. I never knew it was possible to feel so much joy and happiness in my heart and to feel so alive. I know now that this has become possible because I finally listened to my own voice.

Doors are opening up. My life is full of possibilities. Incredible new relationships are forming. Existing relationships are deepening. I am discovering and re-discovering myself and it's a wonderful feeling to feel so alive, so full of joy and so full of hope.

The Call

~ Oriah Mountain Dreamer

I have heard it all my life,

A voice calling a name I recognized as my own.

Sometimes it comes as a soft-bellied whisper.

Sometimes it holds an edge of urgency.

But always it says: Wake up my love. You are walking asleep.

There's no safety in that!!

Remember what you are, and let this knowing

take you home to the Beloved with every breath.

Hold tenderly who you are, and let a deeper knowing

color the shape of your humanness....

Trust our sadness

2011-02-27T08:11:00.000-06:00

A little over 3 months ago (actually much longer than that) I would never have imagined that my life would be what it is today. There were many moments where I felt like I was walking through the shadow of death; many moments where I didn't believe that my heart would stop aching; many moments where I thought I would never ever see or feel or smell or sense the light. And yet this time, and for the past couple years as my life started taking a turn, the universe was telling me it was time to face some painful truths and memories of my past ... it was time to stop running and it was time to move through the pain, the sadness, the grief. There's that saying, "the only way to the other side is to move through it." I look back on my life and I smile at all the wonderful (and not so wonderful) ways I have mastered how to avoid, diffuse and redirect the pain and hurt I was feeling inside. As I got older at least I picked healthier outlets like exercise :) I admit, even volunteerism can be a diversion, but at least I'm helping abused, abandoned and neglected animals in my work in animal welfare :) So as I get older, I am learning that I must find and embrace balance. To fuel the fire that burns inside of me with my passions, yet slow down and allow myself the quiet and stillness to feel and experience all that life offers to me ... and yes, the sadness and the grief and pain I have experienced are the landscapes where my greatest transformations have taken place ... and so I share with you a piece of Rilke writing that I just love ...

"Consider whether great changes have not happened deep inside your being in times when you were sad. The only sadnesses that are unhealthy and dangerous are those we carry around in public in order to drown them out. Like illnesses that are treated superficially, they only recede for a while and then break out more severely. Untreated they gather strength inside us and become the rejected, lost, and unlived life that we may die of. If only we could see a little farther than our knowledge reaches and a little beyond the borders of our intuition, we might perhaps bear our sorrow more trustingly than we do our joys. For they are the moments when something new enters us, something unknown. Our feelings grow mute in shy embarrassment, they take a step back, a stillness arises, and the new thing, which no one knows, stands in the midst of it all and says nothing."

as I captured the image above, I was reminded of how even in the midst of winter there is life. I am grateful for my life today and for all that I have experienced up to this point in my life.

Namaste.

Boundaries

2011-02-26T09:46:00.001-06:00

Photo from Flickr

The other morning while journaling and looking out my back window into the backyard I found myself thinking about my assignment from my photography class ... we are to capture 7 images playing around with aperture and it was to be a 'Collection' ... "be creative with your definition of collection" my teacher says. "It can be a concept, an idea, something physical, emotional. It could be the color blue. It could be love ...." So the other morning I noticed the chain-linked fence in my backyard. All week i've been pondering boundaries, my own boundaries, others' boundaries, and that morning the boundaries for my dogs. The fence is up supposedly to keep my dogs in my yard, and to keep other critters from coming into my yard. But I know that at any point any one of my 3 dogs could jump over the 4 ft fence very easily. In fact, my sweet Ahnung could not even be held back from an 8 ft fence when she was first rescued up at the Red Lake. So there are physical and there are internal boundaries. We put up boundaries for a reason.

As I went through some major changes this past year I put boundaries up. All the while I was asking myself "what feels right? why am I putting this boundary up?" I have also had those I love and care for put boundaries up. Some of these boundaries have been hard and even hurtful, yet in my heart, I know I need to respect and honor whatever boundary a person puts up, because there is a reason. One of my biggest learnings this past year for me is understanding that I have the right to put up, and also knock down whatever boundaries I have created. I've also learned that when a boundary is put up for me, by someone else, that I have a choice on whether or not to honor and respect that boundary. I love what a friend posted on my facebook wall when I posed the question on what are boundaries. Here is what she said "Boundaries can hold things in or keep them out. Boundaries can be fluid or rigid. They can feel restrictive or freeing. They can provide safety or a sense of being boxed in. They can be the right thing but the wrong fit. Boundaries can shelter or protect but they can also blind us to possibility. Timing in the life of boundaries makes all the difference ..." [thanks Merry!]. What I have learned is that I have a choice. I have lost people in my life as the result of the ending of my last relationship. Some of them have been hard. Some continue to still hurt as I struggle to understand why one must have to choose 'sides' when a relationship ends. Yet I know that it happens. Can we not still love, care for, and remain connected to both individuals who were once in a partnership?

I am moving on and I am discovering and re-discovering myself in this newfound freedom. But yes, I still grieve and I still hurt for the many losses. And I am learning that it's possible for me to safely hold in the palm of my hands both the grief and the hurt along with the joy and excitement of new possibilities. And as I move forward in my life's journey I know that there will be boundaries around me ... and the boundary can be physical, spiritual, emotional, intellectual; it can be rigid or fluid; it can be made of concrete or of mesh; it can be one i've created or one created or put up by someone I love or care about. When will I choose to dance and swim around these boundaries and when will I choose to stand behind the boundary? How will I know when it's okay to raise, lower or even remove a boundary i've created? How do I find peace in a boundary created by someone I care about and had hoped to remained connected to?

For me I embrace a Rumi quote shared by a new friend "everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself." I feel more alive today than I have ever felt. I feel more joy, more hope, and more peace. I also feel more grief, more sadness, and more turmoil. How invigorating to feel so many emotions and not feel like I need to sweep them under a rug anymore. I wonder ... is this what it feels like to really be alive and to live in the moment? Is this how my beautiful dogs live each day?

As I work on my photography assignment this weekend it will be interesting what 7 images I choose to capture to represent the ever evolving role that boundaries have played, and continue to play, in my life.

With that Moon Language

2011-02-17T18:48:00.000-06:00

One of my favorite Hafiz poems was calling to me today ... I have previously posted it on my blog but feel compelled to post it again ... I love the ending of the poem, and I want to be able to live a full moon in each eye and the courage to speak with sweet moon language ....

With that Moon Language

by Hafiz

Admit something:

Everyone you see, you say to them, "Love me."

Of course you do not do this out loud, otherwise,

someone would call the cops.

Still, though, think about this, this great pull in us

to connect.

Why not become the one who lives with a full moon

in each eye that is always saying,

with that sweet moon language,

what every other eye in this world is dying to hear?

So often we go through life afraid to tell people we love them. We want to be loved and we also want to love. We want to feel the connection with others. We want to to feel the pull ... like how the moon pulls at the oceans causing water to rise and fall in such a rhythmic, beautiful way ... high tides and low tides.

Today, take a risk. Tell someone you love them. Maybe he or she will then turn around and take a risk too, and speak that sweet moon language to someone in return.

We must first learn to love ourselves

2011-02-14T09:08:00.000-06:00

Today is Valentine's Day ... a day focused on romantic relationships. For me this year it has an entirely new meaning. Last year was a very difficult year for me on so many levels. It was also a year of tremendous pain, but in that pain came growth. I learned that in a relationship, love isn't enough. I also learned that in relationships (and friendships for that matter) we bring in old deep wounds, often covered with scabs that have solidified over the years. And I've learned how we must peel back the scab, layer by layer, and sit with all that emerges so we can keep move forward and deeper towards our true selves. Most importantly, I learned that we must first learn to love ourselves and we must above all, listen to that whisper inside of us that is often crying out to be heard.

"Recognize that your spiritual self is a crucial voice in the whole of your life. Recognize what you believe and begin to comprehend why you believe it. Your spirituality is intrinsic to growth, the process of change, creative expression -- all essential processes of living."

"there is synthesis.

there is silence.

then there are spaces

in between the two.

those spaces require the greatest courage.

for in them we

must learn to listen

to ourselves."

There will come a day when I will again dare to step into a relationship. That day won't come until I feel secure enough to know that I am rooted strongly in the earth and in my sense of self to no longer lose myself in the merging of two people in a relationship. I love what one of my healers recently said to me "how do we merge in a relationship without submerging?"

For now, I am grateful for the time I have with myself, my dogs, my friends and with all that lights a fire in my spirit and my soul --- writing, meditation, photography, animal rescue ... and to have a place and a home that has become such a sacred sanctuary for me. I am grateful for the time I have to explore, to discover, to define and re-define, to mold, to create and to step into unknown territory. I am basking in this wide open space around me ... a universe filled with possibilities.

I am learning to listen to a voice that has been stuffed down for decades. "it's a familiar voice." I say. It's been vibrating inside of me, aching to come out. Slowly I learn ... it's my voice and it wants to be heard. Somewhere I was given the gift of courage last year ... by God, maybe my father ... probably both. And as my voice started to emerge I discovered it was no longer okay to remain where I was at. I realized the path I needed to choose was one that would be very difficult and very painful, yet one I needed to do. As one of my healers told me, "You fell in love with you. And you chose You." I smiled, with a tinge of discomfort because I have never felt comfortable choosing me. I have always felt more comfortable giving and choosing others before myself.

"You lean forward not because you know, but because you

want to find out.

You lean forward into your life not because it is safe to do so,

but because

You have found it intolerable to remain still, unmoving from

the same place."

"breathe in the winds of courage

that each day you may discover

in fresh ways what it is to

soar above this sacred earth

and sweetly land in her

arms at dusk."

[quotes from Maryanne Radmacher].

God lives in the Post Office too ...

2011-02-10T20:04:00.000-06:00

I was going through old emails and stumbled across an email that was forwarded to me a while ago ... I have no idea the source or the origin but it's a story that bears repeating and sharing .. it's a reminder to me that God is everywhere ... even in post offices. God appears to us in the places we least expect it ... and God is wherever there is love ...

Our 14-year-old dog, Abbey, died last month. The day after she died, my 4-year-old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. I told her that I thought we could so she dictated these words:

Dear God,

Will you please take care of my dog? She died yesterday and is with you in heaven. I miss her very much. I am happy that you let me have her as my dog even though she got sick.

I hope you will play with her. She likes to play with balls and to swim. I am sending a picture of her so when you see her, you will know that she is my dog. I really miss her.

Love,

Meredith

We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbey and Meredith and addressed it to God/Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven. That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office. A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had.

Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch addressed, 'To Meredith,' in an unfamiliar hand. Meredith opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, When a Pet Dies. Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope. On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey and Meredith and this note:

Dear Meredith,

Abbey arrived safely in heaven.

Having the picture was a big help. I recognized Abbey right away.

Abbey isn't sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart. Abbey loved being your dog. Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets to keep your picture in, so I am sending it back to you in this little book for you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by.

Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you write it and sending it to me. What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for you.

I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much.

By the way, I'm easy to find. I am wherever there is love.

Love,

God

The Dance of the Dolphin

2011-02-05T09:41:00.000-06:00

As I was going through my last few boxes I came across a book I had purchased many years ago. A book that has been sitting on my bookshelf unopened, untouched for probably 10 years. Yet something a decade ago drew me to the book ... "The Dance of the Dolphins: Finding prayer, perspective and meaning in the stories of our lives" by Karyn Kedar. Swimming with wild dolphins last July changed my life. Without a doubt my astrologer Pat was right when she said that 2010 was going to be the biggest wake-up call I was going to have. As I opened up the book to the first few pages, they touched my soul:

"The dolphins dances because to survive she must live simultaneously in two elements that are seemingly incompatible. She must live in both water and air, and she must dance between the two. She dances because she is commanded to from the moment of her creation. She dances because her instincts are pure genius and they are the source of her survival ... she dances, and we learn ... we must learn the dance because life at its best is the seamless integration of all aspects of self: worlds seen and worlds experienced, the world of doing and the world of being ....."

"The dance of the dolphin, as it gracefully navigates water and air, tells me to find a balance because life is a mystery of contradictions, worlds I know and those I don't, realities I can see and those I can only sense. We live with paradox and ambiguity. We live in our minds and in our souls. We live in our world and the in the world of all. And all the while we dance, sometimes with grace, and sometimes not."

and then in one of the latter chapters titled "Shema: Listening is the language of the Soul." [Shema means "hear" and is an important Jewish prayer] .... she writes about the importance of listening. How many of us really, really listen? How many of us fill our lives with noise, distractions, and the hustle and bustle? How many of us are afraid to stop, to slow down? What will happen if we do? What will happen if we remove all the ways we escape from simply being with ourselves?

She writes ... "Words are the language of the mind; silence is the language of the spirit. Sometimes to hear the language of the spirit, we must silence the language of the mind .... goodness, beauty and love are not experienced by reason. Divine stirrings do not reside in the realm of the logic. We have forgotten to listen because listening has lost its value in our world. To be busy is to be productive. To be active is to be healthy."

I have been loving my new home. It has become my safe haven - a place to be wholly me. A place to witness and learn from angels sent to me through the bodies of my 3 beautiful furkids. I am discovering how much I simply love to be at home and how I don't have to fill up all my time with activities. Doing nothing. I am learning how much I enjoy it. And in that space of nothing I am learning to listen more ... to my true voice, to God, to the Universe.

May we all be filled with the spirit, love and healing energy of the dolphins and other angels that come to us in so many different forms. May we learn to find balance in a life often filled with mystery and contradictions. And may we welcome silence, if only for a moment, to allow our spirit to be heard.

Immortalized ...

2011-02-04T07:57:00.000-06:00

This year my crazy dog Mister will be turning 4 years old. After years of super high energy and pretty serious separation anxiety, he is finally starting to settle down. Good boy Mister :)

He's been a little upset though because his sisters Missy and Ahnung have their own pet portrait and it's been hanging up on the walls of our new home. He wants to know, where's my original artwork?? So .... now he can stop complaining!! :) A local artist, Layl Dill of Clay Squared to Infinity, was inspired by a photo I took of him making himself quite comfortable on my new coffee table that she immortalized my sweet boy in clay .... Mister is now a content, happy boy. Thanks Layl!!

Mister ... immortalized in clay!!

But don't let this sweet, calm boy fool you ... most of the time this is what he's doing ....

Mister tearing through the backyard!
Bliss and heaven for this energetic boy!!

Step into the Unknown

2011-02-02T08:32:00.000-06:00

Bliss ... swimming with wild, free dolphins!

I listened in its entirety to my taped session with Pat Kaluza from March of 2010. Pat is an astrologer i've been seeing every year for several years now. She told me last year that there was a major Pluto transit ... and in one's lifetime it makes 2 big hits. The first big hit for me was when I was 9 years old. The other major hit was happening in 2010. These Pluto transits symbolize death and rebirth. She asked if anything significant happened to me when I was 9 years old. I replied "the sexual abuse began." She said it marked the death and loss of my courage, of my innocence and of safety. Last year I had 2 death planets showing up in my chart. With all of my health issues my concern was more around the possibility of a physical death. She told me that in astrology, death can be symbolic ... it could mean the death of a way of life or even the old Marilou. When I left her house last March I already knew something major was happening in my life. There were shifts occurring. I simply had no idea what was yet to come. So 2010, the second major hit of a Pluto transit, was for me a rebirth. 2010 was also one of my most difficult years. Last year I decided I had to choose me. I had to take care of me and allow myself to heal on all levels -- physically, emotionally and spiritually. I had to give voice, space and room for the little girl inside of me who has been stuffed back for decades. I had to walk into Pandora's box and face the demons, re-wire old ways of surviving and coping and let the tears flow for all the losses I have never wanted to acknowledge or feel. I chose the door marked 'Marilou' because for all of my life I have chosen other's needs ahead of mine.

Pat said to me last year "Pluto is called evolutionary journal of the soul. The soul is here for experience. It will take you into very painful experiences so that you can rework what needs to be healed ... you need all this physical suffering for this evolution to happen." She goes on to say "2010 is going to be the biggest wake up call you're going to have ... you are going to learn to say 'No'. Your old life is dying. 'Saying no' is a piece of your healing ... Pluto is in the house of play. Play will save your life." After my session with Pat last March I booked the trip to swim with wild dolphins. I had no idea how that trip was going to change my life. She then tells me back in March that this year (2011) I will be on a brink of a new community. She goes on to tell me that in January 2011 your heart will be very open ... "it's all about learning to receive. ... there's a lot of Venus in your chart and I believe it's about falling in love with you so that someone else can."

I had a wonderful session with Pat yesterday. There's more work for me to do in 2011 but she says I have the courage to go inward and do the work. The death planets are gone in 2011 :) I am on the brink of something new, a lot of creativity and a whole new community. It sounds like each year gets better and she says watch out for 2014 ... it's going to be one hell of a year!! :)

Entering

~ Rilke from Book of Images

Whoever you may be: step into the evening.

Step out of the room where everything is known.

Whoever you are,

your house is the last before the far-off.

With your eyes, which are almost too tired

to free themselves from the familiar,

you slowly take one black tree

and set it against the sky: slender, alone.

Ad you have made a world.

It is big

and like a word, still ripening in silence.

And though your mind would fabricate its meaning,

your eyes tenderly let go of what they see.

To love ... and not lose myself

2011-01-31T08:47:00.001-06:00

Part of my lesson for the next stage of my life's journey is to learn to love, and not lose myself. It begins with simply really finding out, discovering and creating who I am ... and once I am able to do that to be solid and centered enough to truly trust that my own voice matters. We learn from every experience, every friend, and every relationship.

There's a beautiful quote by Rilke I love:

"To love does not mean to surrender, dissolve, and merge with another person. It is the noble opportunity for an individual to ripen to become something in and of himself. To become a world in response to another is a great immodest challenge that has sought him out and called him forth."

I learned so much from my trip this past summer swimming with wild dolphins in Bimini, Bahamas. I had no idea how life changing and transformative it was going to be for me. Early in 2010 I had also met with my astrologer ... she said something that has remained with me ... she saw death (and surgery) in my chart and thought that my relationship had ended. I said no, everything was great. I was more concerned with my ongoing health issues. She was relieved to know that my relationship was doing well. My session with her was the impetus for my booking the wild dolphin trip. She told me "you better learn to play to save your life." She asked what I have always wanted to do ... I said "swim with dolphins ... wild, free dolphins." The dolphins gave me the courage to find my voice, and then to speak my truth.

As I reflect back on the year, she was right about both things ... the ending of my relationship and surgery. I am going back to see her tomorrow. When I called to schedule my session with her about 6 weeks ago I shared with her that she was right after all, and in tears I shared with her that my relationship had ended. Compassionately, she said "i'm so sorry. Marilou ... walk the earth." It was exactly what I needed to hear at moment ... walk the earth Marilou ... stay grounded. And so for the past 6 weeks I have walked the earth and I have placed one foot in front of the other, doing the best I can to keep moving forward.

I have walked through grief, loss, fear ... and some major health scares. I have reached the edge and in the end I have learned that I am much stronger than I thought I was, but most importantly I have learned that I do not have to go through the difficult times alone. I have God, my faith, my furkids (Ahnung, Missy and Mister) my family, my friends and an extremely supportive and loving community. Thank you all for loving and supporting me through some very difficult times.